Chronic Worth

Note: This is a re-post. The only thing changed is the title, which I did because the original title didn’t convey the sentiment the heart of what was being said. Many thanks to Julie from Mountain Made Crochet for helping me out with that.

When I first came back to the blog, I wrote about my awful experiences with various  medications for autoimmune disease. On some levels I feel a lot better without them, but my pain is getting a lot worse, and my energy never did make a full comeback. Back when I wrote that post, my mindset was leaning toward telling the rheumatologist that I didn’t want to try anything else after three different ones being so awful. Now that some time has passed, I am going to ask to try again, because the pain is not conducive to much.

It’s not a fun thing to have to choose between severe pain all the time, or the possibility of medication that makes things so much worse. However, I have things that I want to do, and there are a lot of other things that can be tried, so when I have my appointment in late June, I’ve decided to be brave and give it another go. Surely one of the many medications available will be tolerable by my supremely picky body.

What finally made me decide to continue with treatment is noticing that yet another of my fingers is starting to turn sideways. The incessant body-wide pain was already making me lean in that direction, but seeing yet another joint becoming disfigured is concrete proof to me that there is damage being done that needs to be stopped. In the meantime, I’ll be here as much as I can, and I’m hoping that it’s fairly often. Now that I’ve gotten this all out in the open, the next post will be about something other than my health. It isn’t something that I really like to talk about, but it is part of my life that will be popping up.

For several reasons, I’ve felt almost ashamed to talk about my struggles here. While I do not wish for health issues to make up a large part of this blog, I have decided to be a bit more open about it. There isn’t any shame in it, and that is part of my inner narrative that I am choosing to tell to shut the hell up. All the old voices of the past, and even in our society which cause us to place our value in what we produce, what we can do, how perfect we can make ourselves look can hush. It may be a little later in life, but it’s finally coming clear to me just how wrong those voices are and how to see myself differently.

Of course we should always be doing our best to have a life which is meaningful, but it can’t always be about how much money we make, what possessions we have, and all around being a poster child of materialistic success. Not saying that having nice things is bad, it’s just that as a society we all too often make those things the measure of worthiness in a person. Coming to a realization that I will not be rejoining the rat race has really helped me to see the intrinsic value of people, and it isn’t tied to what they do and what they own. While I’ve never viewed the world in that way, this is a whole new level, because those values had been embedded in me when it came to my own worth. So glad to finally have this fading, as I had a hard time fully loving myself and feeling worthy of acceptance. Here’s to all of us finding our sense of worth.

Do any of you go through this?

Happy Samhain, My Witches!

Another Samhain is upon us. In Celtic pagan tradition, Samhain, known to many today as Halloween, marks the new year. When I discovered this many years ago, it made a lot of sense to me, because with many things in life, there is darkness before there is light again. It certainly stands true when it comes to the growing of crops, as harvested  seeds need time in darkness before they are ready to produce new life in the Spring. In ancient traditions, everyday life was very steeped in the turning of the natural wheel which I’ve always found to be beautiful in its simplicity.

This year, the concept of darkness before light is especially poignant for me. Much of the past twelve months have held a great deal of darkness, and I’ve even felt that it’s highly likely I’ve been going through what many would call a dark night of the soul. There have been huge changes in my health, relationships, and at times my convictions. There have been great losses, which have led to big gains when it comes to strength of both my character and in my abilities. This has been a major period of growth and transformation. There’s something about the absolute inertia which comes with autoimmune diseases which shook me to the core of my being. This, coupled with all of the other major changes had me wondering for a while if I had it in me to be able to bend enough so as not to break.

Here I am though, on this all hallows eve, finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. After being on a new medication for a little over a month, I was able to get out this past weekend and enjoy the company of a visiting family member. We hit several of the local watering holes, and even made our way up onto the Blue Ridge Parkway, where I not only made it up to the top of one of the mountains there, I even put my hiking boots on a trail and made it all the way to the end of it. Yes, I was hurting like hell and began to question my sanity for suggesting it about halfway through, but I pushed through and enjoyed every step of the way. I still have a long way to go, but to have hope again is a beautiful thing.

With all that has transpired this year, I am finding myself in a place of greater clarity about not only my direction, but my very identity. I’ve had a lot of down time to think about things, and come up with plans for new endeavors and twists in old ones. In the coming months, I’m going to be a lot more present online and there are exciting things in the works. While I’m not ready quite yet, as I’m still getting the medication into my system and working, I’m super excited to be rolling some things out in the not too distant future.

There is going to be a lot happening, and I’ll be bringing a lot of what I’ve learned over my years on my path to all of you. This time around, I’ll not only be writing about spirituality and witchy things, I’ll be putting together some products which will run the gamut from helpful and powerful, to just plain fun. Not to worry, I’ll be sharing a lot of knowledge which will be entirely free, and most of the items I’ll be offering will be very reasonable because I’ve always been of the belief that things of this nature should be easily accessible. There are other fun surprises in store, but I am going to keep them under wraps until I’m closer to rolling them out.

If any of you are struggling as I have been to get your feet back on your path, I’d like to suggest that you spend some time in stillness. Examine not only where you’d like to go, but where you’ve already been. Mercury went into retrograde today, where it will stay until November 20th, making this a good time to do a thorough review before proceeding. This particular retrograde is taking place in the sign of Scorpio which means that it will be important to carefully consider how to go forward. Even though it might be harsh at times, this planning process will be helped by the fact that this will be a time in which many truths will come to light. This will help all of us to have a clearer picture about ourselves, those around us, and what is behind the scenes in any endeavors we may be considering undertaking.

The retrograde period itself is a time to tie up any loose ends, read the fine print, expect some elements of the past to resurface, reminisce, think before speaking when it matters, fulfill current obligations, and wrap up unresolved issues. Once the retrograde ends, we will all be ready to move on to new things if that’s what we desire. At the very least, if we take all of the steps above, we will be ready to proceed on a smoother course with so many things clarified and cleared up. Last but not least, as with any mercury retrograde, be sure to keep electronic media backed up just in case.

For those of you who enjoy working with tarot or oracle cards, it’s always nice to take the time to do a reading for yourself for the upcoming year to help gain clarity and create a little road map for the months ahead. If you do not personally use cards or other forms of divination, it might be a good time to connect with a good practitioner to give you a reading and a bit of coaching.

It has been nice to come back to this space to write about spiritual matters, as it feels like it’s been forever. Be on the lookout for some shorter, more specific posts soon. If there’s anything spiritual or witchy you’d like me to write articles about, drop a comment and I’ll do my best. Wishing all of you the brightest of blessings!

Tracy

 

 

Suspended

Time is standing still, yet I cannot settle down

Everything hangs in the balance, and I wait

Until an indefinite time to know for sure what the future holds

I am paralyzed in a state between hope and grief

What a place to be

My emotions are spinning, therefore so is the earth under my feet

I’ve ridden the top of the wave, crashed, and shattered on the rocks

Resigned myself to be broken for a while, awaiting the lull in the storm

Had given in to the notion of empty spaces and a whirling vortex of disbelief

And now,  I’ve been caused to feel the up surge, feeling as though I’m being lifted up

Dare I to allow myself to hope, given that it could all come crashing down again

Before it even gets back off the ground?

For there have been no real promises made, though beautiful words were spoken

How can I stop it, when my heart seems to whisper the sound of your name

Each time it beats in my hollowed out chest?

Just for now I will dare to allow a glimmer of hope

As I sit in a state of trepidation, knowing that on the other side of this storm

Will either be the rushing return of love’s embrace or the cold, harshness in which

I’ve recently dwelt, and had begun to convince myself I’d have to live in until I learned to go on without you

Even though terror quakes in my chest,  just for now I embolden myself to anticipate the feel of your kiss once more.