Eclipse, Today And Beyond

As just about anyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows, today was the eclipse. Many of you who come here regularly have likely noticed that this has been one wild ride of a few weeks in my personal life. Things are still in a state of limbo, which happens to be one of my least favorite states of being that is. However, I was fortunate enough to be in the 99% path of totality for the solar eclipse.

While things were a lot different than they were supposed to be today, it wound up being a really nice day. My sister and I went out and headed down to the park to witness the eclipse which was visible from here in downtown Asheville, NC. It was spectacular and it was lovely to be able to experience it with her. After the eclipse itself was over, we roamed around and talked about a lot of things. More like, I talked and she mainly listened. This seems to be the usual state of things between the two of us…and I’m hoping to hear more about her aspirations and dreams this evening.

The actual eclipse is over, yet my own emotional state is eclipsed by whatever may be coming my way this week. Yes, I’m super nervous because all of the uncertainty…and knowing what I’d like the outcome to be. At the same time, I am fully aware that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about anything in this situation other than do my best to control what my own reaction will be. I’ve been attempting to make contingency plans and keeping myself in a state of beyond distraction while I await an undetermined day this week to sit down and have a conversation which is both anticipated and dreaded at the same time.

Instead of beating around the bush, I’ll just come out and say it…I fooled around and fell in love this year. Things have been unsure for a few months now, and the last few weeks have been nothing short of hellish. Yet, I’m forcing myself to allow a bit of hope until we sit down and talk later this week. This may or may not be a mistake, but until I know for sure I refuse to fully raise the white flag and wave it.

Until I am able to sit down and have this conversation this week, I am going to be taking a short break from things here on the blog. Last week, I poured myself into writing poetry and painting…because I may have gone completely bonkers otherwise. For now though, I need to stop and be with all that it going on. Unless something happens to postpone this chat, at least I’ll know one way or another…for sure…where I stand.

Coming here and sharing like this…in a way that isn’t fictionalized…isn’t the way I typically do things. Right now though, I find myself out of creative juice. Knowing that in just a few more days I’ll have more clarity has left me feeling a little like a deer in the headlights. It has to be okay now, and it has to be okay later. But for now, I just need to step back from writing and art.

In addition to hanging in the balance when it comes to my love life, I am in a state of major shifting otherwise too. I feel as though I’d be doing myself a disservice by continuing to run myself into the ground in an attempt to avoid even the tiniest bit of pain. It’s time to face the music and figure out which path I want to take next, with or without him.  The paths will be a bit different depending on how things go…but I still feel like I’m in need of making something of a road map to go by because I am at one of those pivotal points….one in which there has to be a major restructuring. It feels scary but long overdue.  I’ll be back soon…maybe in a few days…maybe in a week or so…but I will be back. I truly appreciate all of you!

Love,

Tracy

 

 

 

Suspended

Time is standing still, yet I cannot settle down

Everything hangs in the balance, and I wait

Until an indefinite time to know for sure what the future holds

I am paralyzed in a state between hope and grief

What a place to be

My emotions are spinning, therefore so is the earth under my feet

I’ve ridden the top of the wave, crashed, and shattered on the rocks

Resigned myself to be broken for a while, awaiting the lull in the storm

Had given in to the notion of empty spaces and a whirling vortex of disbelief

And now,  I’ve been caused to feel the up surge, feeling as though I’m being lifted up

Dare I to allow myself to hope, given that it could all come crashing down again

Before it even gets back off the ground?

For there have been no real promises made, though beautiful words were spoken

How can I stop it, when my heart seems to whisper the sound of your name

Each time it beats in my hollowed out chest?

Just for now I will dare to allow a glimmer of hope

As I sit in a state of trepidation, knowing that on the other side of this storm

Will either be the rushing return of love’s embrace or the cold, harshness in which

I’ve recently dwelt, and had begun to convince myself I’d have to live in until I learned to go on without you

Even though terror quakes in my chest,  just for now I embolden myself to anticipate the feel of your kiss once more.

 

 

The Page Is Where A Poet…

Hello everyone,

Over the past several days, I’ve been posting some very emotional poetry. Even though I do not feel that it is necessary to come here and explain a few things, I will…just because…just to make things clear.

Poets not only smile, dance, and explore the world on the page. We also cry, bleed, heal, and process on the page. So, when you see poetry of the nature I’ve been posting lately it isn’t that I am looking for pity, or feeling like the world has ended. It simply means that I am hurting, and that poetry is a good way for me to allow the pain to wash through me.  Notice that I am only speaking for myself here. There may be others who use poems like these to try to garner attention or as cries for help. Mine are simply me, expressing what is in my heart and sharing all of that with whoever may read it, for a few reasons.

First and foremost…umm…I’m a poet and I love to write and read all sorts of poetry. Secondly, I’ve always believed that words are powerful tools for healing and understanding. Not to mention that painting pictures with words is a fantastic alternative way to share our vision of the world and ourselves.

I truly appreciate and welcome all of the support which I’ve received from those of you who have reached out. Please do not take this post as me asking any of you to back off or leave me alone. I just want anyone who may be wondering to know that I am way more resilient than to allow a broken heart to make me wave the white flag on life.  I will get through this, and I want to thank the dear people who have been so lovely and supportive. It just takes time. While I cannot promise that there won’t be any more of this heart wrenching material appearing here in the coming days or weeks, just know that I will be fine, and if I’m not…those of you who love and care about me will be the first to know.

I’ve enjoyed sharing a little bit more about what beats in the heart of this poet. Hope that for those of you who do not wax poetic yourselves, that this post has given you some insight as to how deeply poetry pervades the lives of those of us who imbibe.

Lots of love,

Tracy

No Hope

At least when I was still allowing myself to believe that there was something to hope for, I felt that I had a little spark left in me

But now that hope has been removed from the menu, my entire being feels like an empty shell

A shell which has had all of its contents removed and been left to lie exposed in the full sun

Becoming ever more dried up and brittle, as though a light breeze could fracture it into a million tiny pieces

Yes, I’ve let go of the last vestiges of optimism which I was clinging to, when it comes to the two of us

The next step in this process is the cruelest bitch of all, for it’s the one in which my heart has to listen to my mind and give up on the notion of a relationship with you

Having this clarity is akin to rubbing my entire body with a rough grit sand paper, inside and out

But go through this I must, if I’m to heal and prepare myself to move on without you

Yes, I’m still stunned and feel massively betrayed for you have turned your back on me, despite all of the feelings you declared

When I think about all that I put myself through in order to be with you, all I can do is shake my head

For while the good times were beyond what I ever could have imagined, being left here, torn to shreds was a hefty price to pay.

Poetry ~ Not The Way I Dreamed

Waiting for the anger to kick in so that the pain can recede

Knowing the it will happen sooner or later, but it’s only been two days

Truly not wanting to feel this heartache, but not able to to drown it

No matter how hard I try or wish for it to be that easy

Simply won’t happen yet, and I know that it is as it must be

Begging for a mercy which simply doesn’t exist

There is no way to escape the pain of the loss of love

Of so many unspoken promises, no matter how strongly they were implied

Thinking of him with an entire different life, one which doesn’t include me

At least not in the way in which I had envisioned us being together….fuck, is this real?

Friends once more? I don’t know that I would have the strength for that

As much as I’d like to think that I could be capable of foregoing love

And falling back into friendship, no matter how small it may make me

My heart beats a staccato of hell no, of fuck that, of what the hell for

As much as I crave friendship in my relatively new city, desperation is not that deep.