Hello everyone,

Way back in my early years of blogging, I wrote a little bit about my life with chronic illness. As a brief catch up, for anyone who wasn’t here then and those who have perhaps forgotten, I’ll say a little about the past and move on. I’ve been dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, and a whole other wide array of symptoms for decades. I almost died of pneumonia at 2 and as a result my immune system was damaged, was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, mono and mild scoliosis at around age 13, chronic fatigue syndrome in my early twenties, fibromyalgia in my late twenties, and degenerative disc disease in my thirties. For the past six years, my family doctor has suspected an autoimmune disease but blood work never showed any markers.

Finally about three months ago, I was referred to a rheumatologist, at my request, because I was in the worst flare that I’ve had in at least ten years. This flare was relentless, lasting for almost two months with no sign of letting up. I’d been under great stress, which I’m sure is the catalyst for the flare. Earlier this month, I went back to the rheumatologist for a follow up. I was diagnosed with connective tissue disease, with some features of lupus and concern for developing psoriatic arthritis. The hope is that the doctor can get this contained before it goes full beast mode, as well as to prevent any further damage to my joints and connective tissue.

With high hopes, three weeks ago, I began taking Plaquenil, which is supposed to be the mildest therapy with the least side effects (except for the rare potential for blindness, nothing to be concerned about there). As the past three weeks wore on, I’ve only gotten sicker. More fatigued, more pain, nausea from hell, but I was willing to go through that thinking that it would swing in the other direction eventually. This was until a few days ago, when out of the blue, my knees felt like they were on fire and turned as red as a well cooked lobster. Over the course of a few hours, the redness dissipated but the joint pain was excruciating. Then, other joints in my body began hurting too and other symptoms set in as well. So, I called his office and was told to stop taking it immediately and to drink as much water as I can stand to help get the medication flushed out of my body. Who knows how long this will take, but I’m hoping not too long because frankly, this sucks. A new treatment plan will be coming up at some point in the near future. This makes me a bit nervous as that was the mildest treatment, but then again, something more intense might not be as bad as the reaction I’ve had to Plaquenil. Time will tell.

All I know is that right now, I’m in about month three of increasingly severe illness and feeling more than a little disappointed that the treatment has only made things worse so far. In my typical fashion however, I will not give up, nor will I let this keep me from getting back to the things that I love as soon as I am able to. The pain, fatigue, and brain fog have kept me from engaging in all of my usual creative activities but I’m sure that this won’t last forever. Just wanted to come here and let all of you know why I haven’t been around…and that I will be back…hopefully soon.

I’m grateful for a few people in my life, who have helped me to feel less isolated and have been so compassionate and understanding with my current decreased capacity. This experience is helping me to further clarify what I desire in my life, especially when it comes to my relationships with others. My circle is narrowing, as I move toward creating relationships which are healthy, reciprocal, positive, and fulfilling. Being this ill has taught me the wisdom of loving others, but loving myself more. Gone are the days of one sided relationships, and consistent energy sucking conversations. Most importantly, I’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be a receptacle for the negativity of others. Over the years, these types of relationships have taken their toll both mentally and physically and it has to stop, effective immediately. My health comes first, and that means conserving my energy for healthy relationships and activities which bring joy to my life, and hopefully that of others. It’s past time to bring more positivity back into my life.

This has been a really long post. If you’ve made it this far, thank you! I’ll see you again, hopefully very soon, and hopefully with something creative to share.

Much love,

Tracy