As just about anyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows, today was the eclipse. Many of you who come here regularly have likely noticed that this has been one wild ride of a few weeks in my personal life. Things are still in a state of limbo, which happens to be one of my least favorite states of being that is. However, I was fortunate enough to be in the 99% path of totality for the solar eclipse.
While things were a lot different than they were supposed to be today, it wound up being a really nice day. My sister and I went out and headed down to the park to witness the eclipse which was visible from here in downtown Asheville, NC. It was spectacular and it was lovely to be able to experience it with her. After the eclipse itself was over, we roamed around and talked about a lot of things. More like, I talked and she mainly listened. This seems to be the usual state of things between the two of us…and I’m hoping to hear more about her aspirations and dreams this evening.
The actual eclipse is over, yet my own emotional state is eclipsed by whatever may be coming my way this week. Yes, I’m super nervous because all of the uncertainty…and knowing what I’d like the outcome to be. At the same time, I am fully aware that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about anything in this situation other than do my best to control what my own reaction will be. I’ve been attempting to make contingency plans and keeping myself in a state of beyond distraction while I await an undetermined day this week to sit down and have a conversation which is both anticipated and dreaded at the same time.
Instead of beating around the bush, I’ll just come out and say it…I fooled around and fell in love this year. Things have been unsure for a few months now, and the last few weeks have been nothing short of hellish. Yet, I’m forcing myself to allow a bit of hope until we sit down and talk later this week. This may or may not be a mistake, but until I know for sure I refuse to fully raise the white flag and wave it.
Until I am able to sit down and have this conversation this week, I am going to be taking a short break from things here on the blog. Last week, I poured myself into writing poetry and painting…because I may have gone completely bonkers otherwise. For now though, I need to stop and be with all that it going on. Unless something happens to postpone this chat, at least I’ll know one way or another…for sure…where I stand.
Coming here and sharing like this…in a way that isn’t fictionalized…isn’t the way I typically do things. Right now though, I find myself out of creative juice. Knowing that in just a few more days I’ll have more clarity has left me feeling a little like a deer in the headlights. It has to be okay now, and it has to be okay later. But for now, I just need to step back from writing and art.
In addition to hanging in the balance when it comes to my love life, I am in a state of major shifting otherwise too. I feel as though I’d be doing myself a disservice by continuing to run myself into the ground in an attempt to avoid even the tiniest bit of pain. It’s time to face the music and figure out which path I want to take next, with or without him. The paths will be a bit different depending on how things go…but I still feel like I’m in need of making something of a road map to go by because I am at one of those pivotal points….one in which there has to be a major restructuring. It feels scary but long overdue. I’ll be back soon…maybe in a few days…maybe in a week or so…but I will be back. I truly appreciate all of you!
Love,
Tracy
