Poetry ~ Rediscovery

Opening the door to a brand new me

Not that all has changed, but enough

Tossed and turned by truth, lies, and betrayal

In the wake, the question looms

Who am I now?

This place is exciting, freeing, and scary all at once

For there are parts of me which don’t seem to live here anymore

Not sure that this is a bad thing

Waiting for the dust to settle so that I can see clearly

I feel the need for some of the additions to my essentia

Yet, they worry me at the same time

New levels of distrust and caution have entered

These dangerous words have a dual edge which can free or cut

While needing to embrace more caution, for my own wellbeing

There’s resentment for the way in which I’ve been forced to let it in

Not sure if I truly want to absorb those feelings

For while they protect, they can steal precious life and joy

Yes, people, including myself are fucked up to infinity

Some though, storm the castle walls, tearing them to shreds

While wearing the guise of an ally

Intentional or not is irrelevant, for the destruction is all the same

They rip away sense of security, and the walls which were trained with blooms

The beautiful parts which when removed, strip away the verve

Things which make up the self

For a while, I’ll be sorting through the rubble

Tossing out the rubbish, repairing cracks in things I need to keep

And finding pieces to emerge stronger, both old and new

It’ll all be better than ever

Perhaps, someday I’ll be grateful for the lessons

For the beautiful phoenix who is rising from the ashes

Will be stronger, better, more joyful

For now though, I’m walking a fine line

Between the world of forgiveness

And hanging on to the reminders of what brought me here

So that the sword which felled the blow

Never has the chance to inflict another wound

Just going to let that one sit on the back burner

While I focus on rediscovering myself.

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Sharing What I’m Grateful For

Each day, I write down a minimum of five things which I’m thankful for. I have come here and shared some of these in the past, and I thought it would be fun to to it again. My lists run from the everyday to the major milestones. It has become a vital part of my daily routine to jot a few things down. Typically, I write these in the morning because I like to start my day out in a positive frame of mind, but there are times that I just do not make it to my journal until night has fallen. Sometimes the night lists add a different perspective, so changing it up can be nice.

The reason that I am sharing this with all of you is that while many of you probably already do something like this, perhaps some of you do not and might find it as valuable as I have in the years which I’ve been doing it…and maybe some of you used to do something like this and have let the practice lapse. Hey, no judgement here. I am the queen of fading in and out of practice…with many things. Please feel free to share some of the things which you are grateful for in the comments. I’d love to hear about some of the things in your lives which make your heart happy.

*Thankful for a good follow up with the specialist I’ve been seeing about a pre-cancerous condition-he’s giving me a break from the hormone therapy for a few months (maybe longer).

*  Thankful that I’m noticing a positive difference in my health, sleep patterns, and energy levels since adopting a vegan diet and daily exercise.

*  Thankful for the wonderful love and support which I receive from my friends and family.

*  Thankful that another piece of my writing was published.

*  Thankful for increasing clarity about my needs and wishes, as well as more clarity about the relationships in my life.

*  Thankful for a terrific group of friends, both old and new.

*  Thankful for all of the doors which have opened, making the way for me to follow my dreams.

*  Thankful to finally have a good enough relationship with myself that I truly know who I am and feel good about what I see.

*  Thankful for the miraculous things I’ve seen happening in the lives of others.

*  Thankful for the opportunity to make a positive impact with my work and in everyday life.

*  Thankful for devoting time each day for self care/soul care, no matter how small. It makes such a difference.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonus Post ~ Letter To My Younger Self

Yesterday, Miriam’s Well published a letter to my you younger self that I had sent in response to a call for submissions. Many of us have wished that our present day selves could go and have a chat with our younger selves about life. Sitting down to write this letter was a very healing experience. I highly recommend that some of you give it a try sometime.

To read the letter, please click here. Sure I could post it here, but I’d really like Miriam’s Well to get the traffic for being so kind as to publish my letter. Feel free to come back here to comment. ❤

Release Valves

As I’m sitting here watching fluffy white clouds drift slowly across the sky, I’m reflecting on what a good week last week was. Even though I had a summer cold which is still lingering a little, it was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a while. The past few months have been so busy that there was very little down time. For most of last week though, I just drifted between the couch and bed, with my phones turned off since my throat wasn’t up for much talking anyway.

It felt so good to disconnect from everything and spend time reading, meditating, sleeping, and crossing everything off my to do list, and not because I did any of them. Upon looking back at my calendar over the past few months, I realized just how little time for relaxation and recharging I had done. Friday found me feeling better than I had all week, and my sister came over for a cup of tea and a nice chat.Then, to my pleasant surprise, a new friend called and invited me out to play. It was definitely hot and muggy here in Asheville, but it was so good to get outside for a while and simply meander for a few hours, enjoying the ever present opportunities for people watching that my hometown presents along with the good company that I was in.

On Friday night, I had the opportunity to enjoy a nice long, deep conversation with another friend over the phone. On Saturday, my already way more than normally socialized self got a call from a good friend who I hadn’t seen in months. She was going to be in the neighborhood and called to see if I was up for a visit…to share some tea and to get caught up. Though admittedly very close to wiped out, I readily agreed as I had planned on calling her later in the afternoon on Saturday anyway because I hadn’t spoken with her in about a month. Between her schedule and mine, we just hadn’t had an opportunity to catch up with one another. Getting to see her was a very nice added bonus. My intellect was stimulated in such a good way over the weekend, and my normally fine on her own self thoroughly enjoyed it. Being overly social is not something which I’ve ever aspired to be. The nature of my work as a writer and artist require a good bit of solitude. Luckily for me, most of the time, I like that.

Now, it isn’t that I could ever be one of those people who buy a plot of land in the woods and live as a true hermit. I start to get a little weird(er), if I go more than a few days without any human contact at all, which typically happens on the phone or through Skype, and more than a week without getting out of the house. I’m also very fortunate in that my sister lives so close that we get to hang out a few evenings a week. Good company is something which I definitely enjoy, and this weekend I had a grand abundance of it. This week, I will be getting back into the swing of things as far as work goes…at some point.

The big difference is that I’m going to make sure to start taking time out for relaxation and fun. I’m looking forward to some cooler weather in the upcoming months, as I’m longing to get outside and enjoy some fresh air much more often. This week has taught me how good for my soul it is to commune over a cup or coffee or tea and wander aimlessly just for the sake of it. It has also taught me how good it is to put down the to do list and make time for meditating and giving myself a reiki treatment. Finding balance between work and play can be tough for all of us, even for those of us for whom work is a lot like play.

What are your favorite release valves?

5 Ways To Navigate As A Sensitive

When writing about this topic, I rewrote the title and first few lines many times in order to convey exactly what is on my mind. There are many of us who are very sensitive, and this makes navigating the waters of our society a little tricky at times. Below I will be making a list of what life is like for sensitives and how they can make it through life a little more comfortably. Maybe this post will even help those who have relationships with sensitives understand us better.

  1. Sensitives pick up on cues and feelings fairly easily. Once they know that something makes another person feel bad or stressed, they will do their best to avoid doing or saying what it is that causes the other person discomfort. This is one of the reasons why people like talking with us so much. It is okay to let go of guilt when you need to withdraw from some people who continue to engage in certain things despite repeated attempts at asking them to stop. In addition, it is okay to take a stand and/or to withdraw when someone tries to make you feel bad for asking for what you need or for voicing your feelings. It doesn’t make you less loving when you practice self-care and preservation.
  2. Sensitives care about those they love very deeply. They literally feel the pain of those that matter to them, making them feel terrible when there is nothing that they can do to help. When their friend suffers heartbreak, the sensitive feels it right along with them. When someone they care about is going through a rough spot, the sensitive feels the stress right along with them. Often, a sensitive person will not ask for help because they do not wish to cause stress for the people they care about. When a sensitive is asked for help by someone who they care about, it is painful for them to have to deny the request. Often, a sensitive will try to explain how much they hate it that they cannot help and ask for understanding. When this understanding isn’t given, the sensitive becomes stressed to the max and experiences pain that the person doesn’t seem to be respectful of them. This can sometimes lead to the sensitive needing to withdraw, because the amount of stress and heartache takes a physical toll.
  3. Sensitives can come across as indecisive due to the amount of time it takes to make a decision. When someone with a lesser degree of sensitivity is asked what they would like to do, they are often much quicker at answering. It isn’t that a sensitive is trying to be difficult by taking longer. It is that they are picking up on subtle cues and attempting to figure out which option would make everyone involved the happiest. When a less sensitive person gets annoyed with them for how long it is taking, the sensitive will often shut down because they feel badly that their attempt to make sure everyone was happy made someone upset. Sensitives will need to toy around with ways which will lessen the amount of time it takes to decide while still letting them feel good about their choices. In addition, they should understand that there is nothing wrong with the way that they are, and that they shouldn’t be subjected to mean-spirited ridicule or unkindness.
  4. Sensitives tend to be intuitive and compassionate. This often leads to others desiring to speak with their sensitive friends about their problems. At the same time, the sensitive can get burned out because of the depth and intensity of their feelings. Not only that, but people get so accustomed to speaking with the sensitive about their difficulties that relationships can slide into unhealthy patterns. There are people out there who will take advantage of the sensitive because they feel the need to have attention. This leads to the sensitive always being the listener or rescuer. Over time, the sensitive feels drained and realizes that things are imbalanced. They will often try to even out the scales and salvage the relationship. Sometimes this is successful, which is the desirable outcome. Oftentimes, it isn’t possible to balance things out. In these cases, the sensitive needs to understand that they aren’t doing anything wrong by pulling away. It is possible to still love and care for someone deeply, even when that person cannot be part of your life on a regular basis, or perhaps not at all.
  5. Sensitives need more time and space than many others do. Due to the intensity of their feelings and the impact of interacting with others (even when it’s good), the sensitive needs time to recharge their batteries a bit before joining the world again. For those less sensitive, this can feel like the sensitive is ignoring them or doesn’t care. The sensitive should to try to explain this at least once or twice. Many people, while they won’t be able to relate, will understand that you genuinely care about them. Some will not understand or care to try, which may lead to an end of the relationship. Sensitives should remember that they didn’t do anything wrong by simply being themselves, and that while they may spend less time with friends than many do, that their levels of compassion and caring make them desirable and worthy of friendship.

What Does Your Mental Diet Consist Of?

Many of us are fairly aware of and put some thought into what types of food we put into our bodies, whether we make changes or not. What about the material we feed our minds with though? We are exposed to a great deal of negative material on a daily basis. The thing about it which disturbs me the most is that so many have become desensitized to violence, negativity and hatred. Even further, many have adopted it as a normal part of their own interactions with the world at large.

I stopped watching the news for the most part years ago. I try to take a quick glimpse at headlines now and then to see what might be happening in the world so that I know where to send loving thoughts and energy, but otherwise I avoid the news. For a long time, I was in the habit of watching it daily and after a while, found it too disturbing/depressing. It was impacting the way that I viewed the world and the people in it-and I didn’t like it. Getting rid of the news habit was a good move for me mentally and spiritually. It eliminated a great deal of stress and feelings of fear/distrust when I stopped consuming a regular diet of “what is wrong” in the world. I’m not asking you to agree with this-just sharing something that was better for me personally.

Now, I find myself at another crossroads when it comes to my mental diet. Lately I’ve been increasingly avoiding one particular social media site due to the amount of negativity, violent attitudes, and hate speech that is becoming more and more common. Each time I sign in, I find myself cringing at the amount of hatred that I see being disseminated. It isn’t that I think that it’s wrong to dislike something or the way that a person conducts themselves. What is becoming too hard for me to swallow is the way that our society has seemingly confused voicing an opinion and being outright hateful and sometimes threatening.

The questions that all of this raises in my mind are these:

Have we become so accustomed to this type of speech and behavior that it has become the new norm?

If this is true, what can we do about it?

I realize that I cannot change anyone other than myself. So, the conclusion for me is to eliminate another source of disturbing material from my consumption. It is my belief that what we focus on becomes our reality, and what I’ve been seeing on an ever increasing basis in my feed is not acceptable for me as a reality. So, my quest is to find the best solution in making sure that I will be exposing myself to the material and people who feed the loving and joyous parts of me-that are catalysts for positive change as opposed to dissension.

I’ve been asking myself more and more lately about my intake, actions and thoughts to see what changes need to be made in order to create a more positive and compassionate world. I’ve found several things which I’m working with now, and am looking forward to the shift of my personal reality as I continue making these discoveries and changes.

The reason that I’m writing about this is to help create more awareness around what we are feeding our minds with on a regular basis. Simply ask yourself if the things which you are exposed to on a regular basis make you feel positive or negative. You will gain incredible insight as to whether your mental diet is a healthy one for you. This isn’t about finger pointing or judgement. It isn’t my job or desire to do that. One of the things which means a lot to me, and always has, is the importance of bringing people together. It is our thoughts and mental attitudes which have the greatest power to accomplish this, and that is what this post is about.

 

 

 

 

 

One of Those Days

Nope, not one of those days-I’m having one of the kind of days that could easily be spent doing little more than lying in the window watching it rain while sighing wistfully as “Big Jet Plane” plays softly. The pull to stay in bed in my pajamas clutching a mug of coffee so strong that I even jumped off the prompt train for NaPoWriMo today and mused about doing just what I’m (still) doing. It’s the perfect day for it-quiet, misty, and the xx Radio channel on Pandora. What more can a girl ask for on some days?

There are tasks waiting for me out in the living room/office/art studio, but for now I can’t be bothered to move. Only problem is that my mug is empty and my robot servant is in the shop. Confession time, the draw of the coffee aroma overpowered me. Fear not, I’m ensconced back in my lovely nest. Later this afternoon I’m allowing a friend to tempt me out of my pajamas to go to a salt cave-ahh-if you’ve never tried it and there’s one near you, I highly recommend it. Now, I think it’s time to get to the point of this post, lest you think I’ve slid down the slope of complete narcissism.

There are times when days like this are not only enjoyable, but necessary. When we’ve been pushing too hard for too long, in times of high stress, when the creative mind is asking for new inspiration, and countless other reasons including just because-the nicest thing that we can do for ourselves is to take a time out. It’s good for the body, mind, and spirit. For some, this is hard to do for various reasons ranging from kids to the drive to always be productive. Yet, carving out blocks of time dedicated to the fine art of doing jack shit is crucial to well being.

For those of you out there who are creative types like myself, I’m sure that you understand the necessity more than others. Plus, my friends with chronic illnesses will also understand. Those of us with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME and other conditions such as autoimmune issues or others, no matter what they are, have to have our me time or the well runs completely dry, and it isn’t pretty.

I decided to write about this today because I am taking a time out before I am forced to. After all these years, I’m learning to listen to what my body and spirit need before it gets to the point that I have no choice. While mastering this is not something that I can claim yet, I’m getting better at it and I wish to encourage others to allow themselves to take care of themselves without guilt.

This part is a note to those of you with conditions. Never, ever feel inferior, or like you are less than anyone else for tending to your needs, or sometimes having no choice but to stay on the couch all day because you are in a flare up or have overdone it. There’s no shame in this, no matter how hard the world works to convince us otherwise. You still have so much to offer to the world right from where you are. Even on days when you are back on the couch, you are still important to this world-you matter. When you feel like you aren’t offering anything to anyone (trust me I’ve been there), jump onto an online petition site and find some good causes to support. It takes seconds and doesn’t cost a thing. Take a moment to compliment a friend for something on social media. You never know, they could be having a complete crap day and your kindness could be the thing that pulls them back up from the dark places that we can go to sometimes. I know that there are days when even that is too much energy to muster. On those days, send a prayer or energy or good thoughts (whatever you call it) into the Universe for those who need it or for the planet-whatever you choose. It matters.

For my fellow creatives-don’t you feel guilty either. This world of ours needs more beauty and inspiration. For you to take the time that you need to have a conversation with your muse is to benefit more than just yourself. No matter your form of creativity-art, music, the written word-understand that there is power in it. Power to touch lives, lift hearts, to help people know that others relate to their feelings through your own expressions-how can you not see the value in that? Helping someone else to feel that they aren’t alone or a misfit or perhaps bringing a smile to their lips is a real gift. Since the beginning of time humanity has connected through the arts, even when they were nothing more than cave drawings (which are awesome by the way).

My friends, won’t you join me soon in having one of those days? Trust me, you’ll like it here.