Settling Into Just Being

Okay, so my best friend wrote a post yesterday that so inspired my post today that the very title was something that she said in what she wrote. She and I both have had a pretty difficult time of it in the last year or so. To say that there has been a lot of learning going on would be an understatement. Please do head on over and read her post if you wish. Now, I’ll get on with it.

So, the past year and a half for me was a breaking point. This is something which needed to happen because I’ve literally spent most of my life living old patterns and it became impossible to keep doing so and stay sane, and I mean that almost literally. It truly was a breaking point in my life. These are patterns which were created long, long ago. In childhood in fact. The hell of it has been that they were set so early that the real me has not really had much time to come out and play. The real me had been almost completely buried.

Sure, there have been glimpses of me here and there, but for the most part I’ve slid back into those ways of being and interacting in the world which were drilled into me as a means to stay safe. While that was never okay, it was at one time necessary for survival. After that necessary time had passed though, I was simply reacting to things which evoked those old responses and instead of standing tall in my own being, I would either put another person first to my own detriment, or I would have a fear trigger and simply squash myself into what I thought would keep the waters smooth. Well let me tell you, this never works.

Maybe for a while things felt calmer, but in the long run it wasn’t sustainable. Sometimes when we feel like we’re playing it safe, we are only prolonging the inevitable, and putting ourselves through unnecessary stress and pain. There is a lot of history which I could go into, but I won’t. Not because I’m not okay talking about it, but because this post is about the present and moving forward.

I have forgiven the past. I have forgiven the people who have caused me harm. I have made great progress in forgiving myself for the role which I played in letting some of those situations play out. Granted, my heart was always in the right place, but there have been many times in which it was very misguided. I’m at a place in which I no longer feel the need or desire to think or talk about the past, unless it’s necessary for some reason. I’ve come to terms with what the past was, and have reached the point of breaking the patterns.

This isn’t to say that my work is done. In some respects I’m only getting truly started, but it feels so good. This is where the words settling into just being come into play. I’ve realized that I truly like who I am at my core, and I really like who I am becoming. A large part of doing this work has been simply allowing myself to settle into being. Learning to live in the present, not in the past and not in the future, is strangely liberating.

Sure, I’ve read about being in the present and it sounded good but I had never really tried to put it into practice before. I had some mistaken ideas about what it meant exactly. It doesn’t mean that the past is erased, it is more of a reminding myself that when parts of the past rear their ugly heads that I am not longer in that place, and that those feelings and memories have no power over me. It doesn’t mean that I can’t make plans for the future. It is simply a loosening of the expectations of how things will work and not trying to plan all of the minute details.

The deeper I go into this space, the less I find myself wishing for anything else. This very moment is a pretty good place to be. More and more, I actually remember to stop and ask myself if there’s anything that I can do about any given thing in this moment, and if there isn’t, it becomes easier to release it and just be. If though, there is something that I can do about something, I find myself being able to break it down even further into what I can do about it right now and to be okay with leaving the rest for when it’s appropriate.

While the deep trauma work which I’ve chosen to undertake isn’t for the faint of heart, there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. To finally be saying goodbye to the triggers, fears, and anxiety is the most awesome feeling. Lots of things have fallen away, and some of those losses have been harder than others. I have to admit though, that every last one of them has needed to happen. I’m looking forward to what is to come, more so than ever. This feels a little bit odd to say because everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING in me has shifted, so my exact direction is not exactly clear. In the past, this would have scared the hell out of me. Now though it feels perfect, because I am starting with a clean slate and I’m not following someone else’s map…I’m drawing my own.

 

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Poetry ~ Rediscovery

Opening the door to a brand new me

Not that all has changed, but enough

Tossed and turned by truth, lies, and betrayal

In the wake, the question looms

Who am I now?

This place is exciting, freeing, and scary all at once

For there are parts of me which don’t seem to live here anymore

Not sure that this is a bad thing

Waiting for the dust to settle so that I can see clearly

I feel the need for some of the additions to my essentia

Yet, they worry me at the same time

New levels of distrust and caution have entered

These dangerous words have a dual edge which can free or cut

While needing to embrace more caution, for my own wellbeing

There’s resentment for the way in which I’ve been forced to let it in

Not sure if I truly want to absorb those feelings

For while they protect, they can steal precious life and joy

Yes, people, including myself are fucked up to infinity

Some though, storm the castle walls, tearing them to shreds

While wearing the guise of an ally

Intentional or not is irrelevant, for the destruction is all the same

They rip away sense of security, and the walls which were trained with blooms

The beautiful parts which when removed, strip away the verve

Things which make up the self

For a while, I’ll be sorting through the rubble

Tossing out the rubbish, repairing cracks in things I need to keep

And finding pieces to emerge stronger, both old and new

It’ll all be better than ever

Perhaps, someday I’ll be grateful for the lessons

For the beautiful phoenix who is rising from the ashes

Will be stronger, better, more joyful

For now though, I’m walking a fine line

Between the world of forgiveness

And hanging on to the reminders of what brought me here

So that the sword which felled the blow

Never has the chance to inflict another wound

Just going to let that one sit on the back burner

While I focus on rediscovering myself.

Word Of The Year For 2018

I would have normally had my word for the year chosen long before now. This year though has been so full of ups and downs that it had completely slipped my mind until my best friend mentioned it a few weeks ago. Ever since then, I’ve been digging deep to think of what I’d like to choose as my word for next year (which is rapidly approaching).

2017 has been a rough one, and I’m pretty glad to see it going. To be fair, I’ve learned a lot about life and myself this year, but I have to say that it could have been a lot gentler.  I’ve had an ass kicking of epic proportions! Who am I to question though? The way that the past several months have gone has been so extreme that I’ll likely be picking up some of the pieces for a while to come. However, I’ve always been willing to roll my sleeves up and work on whatever needs to be done and this time is no different in that aspect. The good thing about times like these is that the comeback always sees me stronger, and better than before.

So, without further adieu, my word for 2018 is “Trust”. For a while, the word confidence was in the running, but for where I am at this moment, trust is the better choice. Not only that, but I have come to believe that confidence is a part of trust. For if there is no trust in ourselves, in the richness of life, in the goodness of people in general, in love, and in the knowledge that we can always grow and achieve, that there can be no confidence.

I’ve spent the past several weeks in a state of suspension, and have reminded myself on a daily basis to trust that everything would level out and that I’ll be up and creating again before I know it. For a little while, I tried to push myself to get back into the swing of things and found that I simply wasn’t ready. So, instead of making matters worse than they already were, I learned to be still…be with myself…even be depressed…all so that I could practice trust in the process of my own renewal.

There will be some changes coming in 2018, both here and in my life behind the scenes. My art will be making a comeback, only it will be more of a throwback as I’m finding myself inspired to revisit some art forms which have been dormant for a few years. As I cleaned out my art supply area about a week ago, I was flipping through old sketch books and art journals, to discover that there were a few areas in which I was gaining proficiency. Not to mention…I remembered how much flipping fun it was working on those pieces. There will be more poetry to come as well, not only haiku.

As for the other things I have in store…well, we’ll all just have to wait and see them as they unfurl, myself included. I’m in the middle of a major revamp, but due to recent events, things are moving in baby steps. I’m okay with that…it feels good to take my time and flesh things out…to study…to plan. I will say that it’s definitely exciting and unlike anything I’ve ever offered before. How is it all going to look? I can’t honestly say, but…

I have trust! ❤

Here’s to new beginnings

Mabon ~ Balance Between Light and Dark

It has been a while since I’ve written anything spiritual or to honor the cycles of life, so here I am. Mabon aka the Autumn equinox is a day in which there is a balance between light and dark. It is a day to look within and reflect on what we’ve accomplished over the previous months, and to examine whether there is anything in our lives which no longer fits. Before we turn inward over the Winter, it is the perfect time to give that last push toward what we wish to manifest.

I’ve always enjoyed this time of year a great deal, and this year things really kicked into high gear in my own life in terms of letting go and looking ahead. Just a few days ago, I was finally able to let go of a very toxic situation in my life after months of confusion and not honoring myself. The amount of relief that I felt, and the almost immediate shift toward embracing what makes me feel happy and fulfilled has been nothing short of drop dead gorgeous!

Over the past year, I entered into a situation which was in direct opposition to my deepest desires, what I stand for, and what I believe in. As the months wore on, I found that I was turning into someone barely recognizable to myself. Yet, I soldiered on and continued to wander through what rapidly turned into an emotional, mental, and spiritual wasteland. I pushed myself beyond my limits of acceptability in order to give someone the benefit of the doubt…and it cost me greatly (not gonna happen again). There’s no need to go into further detail because I’ve left all of that behind me.

Looking forward, not only can I see what I do not want, but I have more clarity about what I don’t. There will definitely be more caution about what I allow into my life, and I’m gaining a broader picture of the types of activities and things which suit who I am at my core. It feels so good to have the stress gone, and to be able to rebuild my life. To reclaim my life and power has been a feeling like no other. I’ll be working through the anger for some time, but that’s okay. Sometimes you just need to be pissed, sometimes anger is appropriate and can be used to bolster us as we learn how to thrive.

Throughout the day, I’ve spent a great deal of time envisioning my life as I wish it to be and in clearing out traces of the heavy energy which had gathered around me. Am I exhausted? You betcha! Is it worth it? Undoubtedly. Thankfully I have a month to heal and rest before seeing my best friend since the 5th grade in person for the first time in…well, a very long time. I’m diving more deeply into my art and working through more rounds of submission for my novel. I’ll be putting a lot more energy into my other work too…my writing, my coaching practice, my work in constructively helping others to embrace themselves…so many things.

Even though I’ve only been out of the situation for a few days, I’ve been very proactive…making contacts and gathering information. I am being a little tight lipped about some of my plans, because I have a lot to do over the upcoming months. As things continue to take shape, I’ll reveal more. For now though, I’ll say that things are about to get a lot more creative and busy around here. One other thing I’d like to share here today is that in November, I’ll possibly be adding a feline friend to my household. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but have held back on for various reasons. I may throw caution to the wind and allow myself the joy of having a cat again.

In closing, I’d like to encourage anyone reading this to reach for what you want in life. Don’t be afraid to truly live and actively seek your joy. In that process there may be some painful truths and releases which need to happen, but don’t we all owe it to ourselves to work toward the fullest realization of ourselves which we possibly can?

Happy Mabon everyone!

Love,

Tracy

 

 

 

Sometimes There Is No Point

The typical Monday here usually consists of a post in which I write about a particular issue with the aim of making a point or to attempt to induce a positive way of thought about whatever the topic is. Well, sometimes there simply is no point to make. Most of the time, when I force a point into existence it feels…well…forced.

So for today, I’m going to let the notion of making a point go and just talk about my life a little. Lately, much to my pleasure, I can honestly say that things have been really good. For the past few months, I’ve been experimenting with some lifestyle changes in order to get my health on a better track. While I’m still working some kinks out, I feel as though I’m getting closer to finding the right balance with nutrition and exercise.

The greatest pleasure I’ve had in recent weeks has been the amazing people that I’m fortunate enough to consider friends and family. Many of my close friends live too far away to visit in person, but I get so much joy out of my chats with them on the phone or on Skype. Some of us do not get many opportunities to talk real often because we’re all busy, but when the relationship is deep and true, I’ve found that two people can go for extended periods of time without speaking and just pick right up with no awkwardness at all.

Not long ago, I went through another round of releasing what (and who) no longer fits and it has felt amazing. To be able to just let go, with no resentment, and especially for me, no guilt, is such a great experience. I’ve noticed that since I’ve set myself free from feelings of obligation to others who do not resonate with me that the way has been cleared for much richer relationship experiences. It has been liberating to surround myself with the people who I can just be myself with…people who I can talk about all kinds of stuff with, no matter how off the wall or geeky.

I’ve been allowing my inner nerd to come out and play a lot more in recent weeks and as weird as it might sound, I had no idea how big a part of myself I had been suppressing until I had the opportunity to indulge in the kind of geekiness which I hadn’t fully indulged in for more years than I care to admit. It has been akin to releasing the kraken. It’s like stepping back in time to an era which makes me feel very much at ease, and honestly enthusiastic. I’ll invite you to step into my personal wayback machine to get an idea of the brand of dorky which I’m fondly recapturing.

I’m talking about stuff I used to do with friends back in the day, like discussing advances in science or about the natural world, seeing who could come up with the coolest program in BASIC to make the most elaborate moving images (told you it was way back), watching sci-fi, staying up late into the night theorizing ways of solving practical issues, or bouncing back and forth with plot lines for stories or stanzas of poetry. Yeah…that kind of nerdy. Honestly, I’m in heaven.

This part of me, which many hadn’t really known about before (with the exception of a few people who’ve known me for a long time) is one which I had pushed into the recesses of myself in order to fit in better with the people I’d been surrounded with for many years, with those few exceptions who were my saving grace. Silly I know, but something which most of us have done at some point or another. Now that the beast has been unleashed, she won’t be going back into her cage anytime in the near future.

For someone with nothing to say, I seem to have done a good job at rambling on. In closing, I just want to send out a big thank you to the people who make my world a better place. You definitely know who you are, because I’ve either talked to you on the phone, emailed you, Skype chatted with you, or hung out with you in person in the past week. I’m a lucky girl indeed to have such amazing people in my life.

 

 

Echoes

Looking in the rear view mirror, down those old dusty roads

There once was a place that I used to call home

When I think of it now, scores of specters fill my eyes

That desolate place has nary a blade of grass upon which I could stand

Dark corners have grown darker, the abyss even deeper

The future awaits, ne’er to be found where ancient ghosts moan

Ahead is the place where vision grows clearer, where hope resides

Those old dirt trails hold history, memories of what I once was

Tales of how I came to be the person who now roams free

Glimmers of love held long ago live eternal in my heart

Lifted high above the ashes left behind by the searing fire of creation

Like the mighty phoenix, soaring up and away from the detritus

Of a story which belongs to the past, the days of once upon a time

Looking ahead with a sense of purpose and a promise to myself

To never look back with anger or regret, to simply never look back

All of the goodness from those days has settled deep into my being

Like the fine particles of gold at the bottom of the prospectors pan

Nothing more is required, all of my treasures there have been unearthed

As the silt fell to the bottom of the stream, I picked up stakes

Moving into freedom, declaring the facades and whispers behind me

Riding the current to a new era, one in which dreams come true and joy runs deep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Together

There’s nothing in this world like coming together with loved ones- to share thoughts, ideas, laughter, and memories. Since Friday my daily life has been filled with long talks about spirituality, love, miracles, and mysteries. The walls have echoed with laughter. There have been grown-up tea parties during which we explored ideas about healing our bodies with nutrition and the help of our guides and the Angels.

This has been the kind of weekend that I’d like to have more often. Spent sharing everything from triumphs to tears with people who you know that you can trust and who are there for no reason other than that there is shared love. While the weekend is still going for me, I had to share a little about what’s going on here. Things will be winding down tomorrow, and I’ll share more about this magical time later this week.

My biggest hope is that I’ll remember all of the beautiful moments and the thoughts of late night brainstorming sessions. You can’t imagine how much ground we’ve covered in just a few days and how powerful this time has been. I find myself wishing that I’d been taking notes or something in order to get it all down. For now, I’m going to close and enjoy the rest of this experience.

Wishing you peace, love, and beautiful heart warming memories that you can store away to savor always.