Settling Into Just Being

Okay, so my best friend wrote a post yesterday that so inspired my post today that the very title was something that she said in what she wrote. She and I both have had a pretty difficult time of it in the last year or so. To say that there has been a lot of learning going on would be an understatement. Please do head on over and read her post if you wish. Now, I’ll get on with it.

So, the past year and a half for me was a breaking point. This is something which needed to happen because I’ve literally spent most of my life living old patterns and it became impossible to keep doing so and stay sane, and I mean that almost literally. It truly was a breaking point in my life. These are patterns which were created long, long ago. In childhood in fact. The hell of it has been that they were set so early that the real me has not really had much time to come out and play. The real me had been almost completely buried.

Sure, there have been glimpses of me here and there, but for the most part I’ve slid back into those ways of being and interacting in the world which were drilled into me as a means to stay safe. While that was never okay, it was at one time necessary for survival. After that necessary time had passed though, I was simply reacting to things which evoked those old responses and instead of standing tall in my own being, I would either put another person first to my own detriment, or I would have a fear trigger and simply squash myself into what I thought would keep the waters smooth. Well let me tell you, this never works.

Maybe for a while things felt calmer, but in the long run it wasn’t sustainable. Sometimes when we feel like we’re playing it safe, we are only prolonging the inevitable, and putting ourselves through unnecessary stress and pain. There is a lot of history which I could go into, but I won’t. Not because I’m not okay talking about it, but because this post is about the present and moving forward.

I have forgiven the past. I have forgiven the people who have caused me harm. I have made great progress in forgiving myself for the role which I played in letting some of those situations play out. Granted, my heart was always in the right place, but there have been many times in which it was very misguided. I’m at a place in which I no longer feel the need or desire to think or talk about the past, unless it’s necessary for some reason. I’ve come to terms with what the past was, and have reached the point of breaking the patterns.

This isn’t to say that my work is done. In some respects I’m only getting truly started, but it feels so good. This is where the words settling into just being come into play. I’ve realized that I truly like who I am at my core, and I really like who I am becoming. A large part of doing this work has been simply allowing myself to settle into being. Learning to live in the present, not in the past and not in the future, is strangely liberating.

Sure, I’ve read about being in the present and it sounded good but I had never really tried to put it into practice before. I had some mistaken ideas about what it meant exactly. It doesn’t mean that the past is erased, it is more of a reminding myself that when parts of the past rear their ugly heads that I am not longer in that place, and that those feelings and memories have no power over me. It doesn’t mean that I can’t make plans for the future. It is simply a loosening of the expectations of how things will work and not trying to plan all of the minute details.

The deeper I go into this space, the less I find myself wishing for anything else. This very moment is a pretty good place to be. More and more, I actually remember to stop and ask myself if there’s anything that I can do about any given thing in this moment, and if there isn’t, it becomes easier to release it and just be. If though, there is something that I can do about something, I find myself being able to break it down even further into what I can do about it right now and to be okay with leaving the rest for when it’s appropriate.

While the deep trauma work which I’ve chosen to undertake isn’t for the faint of heart, there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. To finally be saying goodbye to the triggers, fears, and anxiety is the most awesome feeling. Lots of things have fallen away, and some of those losses have been harder than others. I have to admit though, that every last one of them has needed to happen. I’m looking forward to what is to come, more so than ever. This feels a little bit odd to say because everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING in me has shifted, so my exact direction is not exactly clear. In the past, this would have scared the hell out of me. Now though it feels perfect, because I am starting with a clean slate and I’m not following someone else’s map…I’m drawing my own.

 

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Word Of The Year For 2018

I would have normally had my word for the year chosen long before now. This year though has been so full of ups and downs that it had completely slipped my mind until my best friend mentioned it a few weeks ago. Ever since then, I’ve been digging deep to think of what I’d like to choose as my word for next year (which is rapidly approaching).

2017 has been a rough one, and I’m pretty glad to see it going. To be fair, I’ve learned a lot about life and myself this year, but I have to say that it could have been a lot gentler.  I’ve had an ass kicking of epic proportions! Who am I to question though? The way that the past several months have gone has been so extreme that I’ll likely be picking up some of the pieces for a while to come. However, I’ve always been willing to roll my sleeves up and work on whatever needs to be done and this time is no different in that aspect. The good thing about times like these is that the comeback always sees me stronger, and better than before.

So, without further adieu, my word for 2018 is “Trust”. For a while, the word confidence was in the running, but for where I am at this moment, trust is the better choice. Not only that, but I have come to believe that confidence is a part of trust. For if there is no trust in ourselves, in the richness of life, in the goodness of people in general, in love, and in the knowledge that we can always grow and achieve, that there can be no confidence.

I’ve spent the past several weeks in a state of suspension, and have reminded myself on a daily basis to trust that everything would level out and that I’ll be up and creating again before I know it. For a little while, I tried to push myself to get back into the swing of things and found that I simply wasn’t ready. So, instead of making matters worse than they already were, I learned to be still…be with myself…even be depressed…all so that I could practice trust in the process of my own renewal.

There will be some changes coming in 2018, both here and in my life behind the scenes. My art will be making a comeback, only it will be more of a throwback as I’m finding myself inspired to revisit some art forms which have been dormant for a few years. As I cleaned out my art supply area about a week ago, I was flipping through old sketch books and art journals, to discover that there were a few areas in which I was gaining proficiency. Not to mention…I remembered how much flipping fun it was working on those pieces. There will be more poetry to come as well, not only haiku.

As for the other things I have in store…well, we’ll all just have to wait and see them as they unfurl, myself included. I’m in the middle of a major revamp, but due to recent events, things are moving in baby steps. I’m okay with that…it feels good to take my time and flesh things out…to study…to plan. I will say that it’s definitely exciting and unlike anything I’ve ever offered before. How is it all going to look? I can’t honestly say, but…

I have trust! ❤

Here’s to new beginnings

Inside Out

There has been a lot going on in the world, and with people. To say that there has been a lot of disturbance would be an understatement. This is not an easy time that we are living in. It is a time of great change. The shifts that are going on are epic. Not only are we seeing and feeling it as people, but the planet itself is shifting. We have reached a time in our history which many would describe as a crossroads.

Think that I’m going to go all gloom and doom here? While it might seem like it, by the time you reach the end, you’ll see that I’m not. Yes, this time is difficult. Yes, there are a lot of things happening which at times feel crushing and scary. Trust me, I feel all of that too. The more that I think about it though, I keep reaching the same conclusion…and it keeps getting affirmed and fortified. We have finally reached the time in which business as usual no longer works. What does this mean?

It means that our ways of thinking…our ways of doing…our ways of reacting have to change. As a matter of fact, they are changing with or without our permission. We can choose to be a part of the process, rather than letting it happen to us. The things which we’ve been conditioned for so long to see as priorities no longer have a place at the top of the list right now, because the very foundations that these priorities were built around are crumbling. We see it in our economic systems…in our ecological systems…in the ways that desperation and fear seem to be more and more dominant. Change is here.

As human beings, the changes need to happen from the inside out by reframing priorities, being more conscious and present, shifting to a space inside in which we begin to understand that all of these things which we simply feel we must have are mere things, that love and compassion are the keys. How in the world are we going to know more joy, more health, more quality of life if we remain enslaved to our material stuff and get swept away in the waves of fear  which are washing through our societies? When you look at the increases in violence, hate, indifference…this is all fear. Fear of the uncertainty we are all feeling as we watch things grind to a halt…as we realize how little control we have.

With everything going on around us it is becoming more apparent that our outer selves…our outer lives…are a reflection of what is happening inside. Now more than ever, the focus on the external which we’ve all become so comfortable with…well, it is no longer comfortable. The choice, as far as I see it, is to get swept up in the fear and discord…or to turn our focus inward…to work on looking beyond our differences and difficulties…and to finally get to the heart of what matters. And what matters is so simple.

What matters is love, the interconnectedness of all life, compassion, caring about the big picture and the consequences of our actions on others. I am not advocating a life of monastic selflessness…not digging out my hair shirt, or asking you to grab your own. The first step begins within each of us. When we turn our lives around from the inside out…this is when the magic happens. When things are right from the inside…how can the outside do anything but react to reflect the inside? To put all of this simply, we each have it within our capability to decide what we are going to reflect outward into the world.

While this time presents a lot of challenges, it is also presenting a tremendous gift…and that gift is the opportunity to rise to the occasion by hearing the call for acceptance. To stop fighting and bucking, and make the shift toward love and unity.