Chronic Worth

Note: This is a re-post. The only thing changed is the title, which I did because the original title didn’t convey the sentiment the heart of what was being said. Many thanks to Julie from Mountain Made Crochet for helping me out with that.

When I first came back to the blog, I wrote about my awful experiences with variousĀ  medications for autoimmune disease. On some levels I feel a lot better without them, but my pain is getting a lot worse, and my energy never did make a full comeback. Back when I wrote that post, my mindset was leaning toward telling the rheumatologist that I didn’t want to try anything else after three different ones being so awful. Now that some time has passed, I am going to ask to try again, because the pain is not conducive to much.

It’s not a fun thing to have to choose between severe pain all the time, or the possibility of medication that makes things so much worse. However, I have things that I want to do, and there are a lot of other things that can be tried, so when I have my appointment in late June, I’ve decided to be brave and give it another go. Surely one of the many medications available will be tolerable by my supremely picky body.

What finally made me decide to continue with treatment is noticing that yet another of my fingers is starting to turn sideways. The incessant body-wide pain was already making me lean in that direction, but seeing yet another joint becoming disfigured is concrete proof to me that there is damage being done that needs to be stopped. In the meantime, I’ll be here as much as I can, and I’m hoping that it’s fairly often. Now that I’ve gotten this all out in the open, the next post will be about something other than my health. It isn’t something that I really like to talk about, but it is part of my life that will be popping up.

For several reasons, I’ve felt almost ashamed to talk about my struggles here. While I do not wish for health issues to make up a large part of this blog, I have decided to be a bit more open about it. There isn’t any shame in it, and that is part of my inner narrative that I am choosing to tell to shut the hell up. All the old voices of the past, and even in our society which cause us to place our value in what we produce, what we can do, how perfect we can make ourselves look can hush. It may be a little later in life, but it’s finally coming clear to me just how wrong those voices are and how to see myself differently.

Of course we should always be doing our best to have a life which is meaningful, but it can’t always be about how much money we make, what possessions we have, and all around being a poster child of materialistic success. Not saying that having nice things is bad, it’s just that as a society we all too often make those things the measure of worthiness in a person. Coming to a realization that I will not be rejoining the rat race has really helped me to see the intrinsic value of people, and it isn’t tied to what they do and what they own. While I’ve never viewed the world in that way, this is a whole new level, because those values had been embedded in me when it came to my own worth. So glad to finally have this fading, as I had a hard time fully loving myself and feeling worthy of acceptance. Here’s to all of us finding our sense of worth.

Do any of you go through this?

Love Letter…Trust

Dear beautiful souls,

In these uncertain times that we are living in, trust may seem like an odd topic to write to you about. It is at times like these however, that trust is more important than ever. Trust in the general goodness of most people, trust that the universe has abundant resources with which we can have our needs met, trust in those that we love, trust in the fact that we are never truly all alone, and most important of all…trust in ourselves. It can be easy during times of unrest to start allowing seeds of negative thought and self-doubt to creep in.

I cannot stress how important it is to look back over our lives to other difficult times, as a reminder that we made it through them. No, not with a critical eye of how well we think we managed to get through it…simply that we made it. Not only that, but it would also be wise to remind ourselves that we are powerful beings with the ability to take control of our lives. This doesn’t mean that we can micromanage every detail of our lives. We can though control each individual moment of our day, in that we get to decide how we react to that moment and how we are going to move ahead from that point forward.

It is absolutely normal to be upset when things which seem negative happen. Having trust in ourselves doesn’t mean that we should strive to trust ourselves to be perfect. Trust is knowing that even when things do not look as we would like them to look, that we know that ultimately we are going to be just fine. It is then, when we practice that level of trust in ourselves and the universe that not only freedom, but true magic can be found.

When we relinquish the situations over which we have no direct or immediate control, we free ourselves to focus on what we actually can do…if anything in that moment. Sometimes trust means allowing ourselves to ride the wave until we reach the other side of it and can make sense of what has happened, and where to go from there. This isn’t always the easiest thing to do. I know this from many years of past experience. What I know now though is that there is no amount of trying to control or predict (playing the what if game) everything and/or everyone that will force things to go in the way in which we wish them to.

What we can do is to keep ourselves as calm and positive as we can…learning little by little to have trust. To allow ourselves to visualize things in a more positive light without being attached to the small details of how it has to happen. No need to point the finger of blame at ourselves if we slide back for a little while. Having trust is seeing that slide and dusting ourselves off, knowing that we have what it takes to move forward.

Believe in yourselves, for you have a lot more power dwelling inside you than you may realize. Power to create and transform your reality…power to choose to be open to seeing the positive aspects of what enters your life, as well as what may leave it. This power is already yours. You only need to claim it.

Much love,

Tracy

Love Letter ~ Do Unto Yourself As You Would Do Unto Others

Dear beautiful souls,

How many times have you heard the old adage to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Probably more than you can shake a stick at, just as I have. I’ve come to realize that something important has been left out when it comes to this notion, which is the title of this post.

Have you ever thought about how much easier it would be to treat others kindly, if we were to begin with being kind to ourselves? Many of us are much more harsh with ourselves than we would ever dream of being with someone else. Now, before you go pointing the finger of blame at yourself for being guilty of that…stop. That’s what this post is all about.

The way that we think about and treat ourselves directly impacts how we treat and react to others. This is beside the point though, because this post is about us personally. Many of us were taught that it is selfish to think of ourselves and/or to live our lives through a lens of how our words and actions make other people feel. While it is important that we not go around with no regard to others at all, to imply that we are way less important than others is a recipe for a lot of heartache.

If only for a few weeks, please try something for me. Next time you find yourself downgrading yourself, reframe it somehow. If there’s something that you’re less than pleased with, instead of beating yourself up about it, ask how you can proactively begin changing it. Next time you judge yourself harshly for something that you have or haven’t said or done, instead of allowing those thoughts to snowball into excessive guilt and negativity, love yourself…imperfections and all…with an awareness of how it is that you can conduct yourself to maximize your happiness and satisfaction.

When we learn how to treat ourselves, so many other pieces of the puzzle automatically click into place. Remember to take things easy. It isn’t like any of us got the way that we are overnight. As time goes by, you may even realize that some of the things which you were taught were negatives about yourselves are anything but. Step by step, with patience and gentleness, you can find a balance in kindness which is for your highest good.

I’d love to hear a little about your own journeys on the road to treating yourselves with the same dignity and respect as you afford others.

Much love,

Tracy