Word of the Year ~ Mindfulness

In choosing my word for the year, I went back and forth a bit between the words love and mindfulness. For a few months, it was looking like the word love was going to be the word, because it is definitely something which I wish to foster more over the next 12 months. Last year could have easily been summed up into one word, and that word would have been – harsh.

2018 was filled with harsh lessons, health issues, and a good bit of general lack of direction for good measure. For the latter half of the year, I had found myself feeling quite lost. There were parts of myself which seemed to have all but disappeared, and I was on a mission to not only regain them, but to expand and improve them. So, when the time of year came to start choosing a word for this year I asked myself what word would encompass what I would need to foster the work that I was doing with all of the above.

The word love kept coming up, because one of the things which had seemed to change in me over the last year was my own feeling of love for the world at large…it had hardened a bit and there were a lot of feelings of mistrust for others and especially myself. Core parts of myself and my beliefs about things were rattled to their foundations. Then, I started to dig deeper and the word mindfulness just clicked into place as the word for 2019, because it encompasses not only a higher capacity for love, but many other things which will bring me closer to being the person I’ve always been at my deepest levels.

Definition of mindfulness 

1 : the quality or state of being mindful

2 : the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis also : such a state of awareness

I’ve been working with mindfulness for the past several months, and let me tell you, allowing myself to be more present with my state of being has been nothing short of amazing. The biggest thing I’ve noticed with this practice so far is that I’m becoming a lot less reactive. By being in the moment, acknowledging what is without judgement, or worse…overanalyzing things by diving into the past or trying to look to far ahead (which has always been hard for me), my life has begun to change in ways I’ve always wished for.

In just the last few months, I’ve seen a huge shift in my feelings about myself and the world. I am able to be much more of an observer of what is, and this has allowed me to be more appreciative and patient. The interesting thing about this is that at the same time, I am much more able to step back when needed, because my feelings of responsibility for and attachment to outcomes has done a complete turn around. This has been the most refreshing thing I’ve ever experienced, and that is not an exaggeration.

All of this has made it easier to transition back into a more creative state of being. This is something which I’m tremendously grateful for, because this was another one of the things that had taken a big hit over the past year or so, along with my sense of spirituality. Those two things are such an integral part of my core that it was literally painful to experience a prolonged period of time wondering if I’d find them again. Finding a mindfulness practice feels like it saved my life, perhaps literally.

Rather than staying stuck in the loop of trying to force myself to get back to “normal”, I learned to acknowledge and honor what was for a while. So, I spent a few months taking care of what absolutely needed to be done, checking in with how I was feeling, then sitting on my couch binge watching various shows on Netflix and Hulu. I learned to let go of my expectations of myself and others too. After a while, I had given myself permission to just be where I needed to be and enjoy the moment, instead of trying to rush myself through the process.

Before I go, I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me through this huge transition phase. 2018 taught me just how amazing some of the people in my life are. Here’s to a wonderful, and smoother 2019!

Much love ❤

 

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Late Summer Magic

On a late Summer’s evening, the sound of a trumpet beckons people to come closer

The patio filled with music and voices of happy people enjoying the night air

Twinkling lights filling the garden with dancing colors, adding to the magic

Glances across the table, a brush of a hand, an intimate whisper, secret smiles

How quickly life can change, transforming tears into hope and burgeoning love

It is moments such as these which remind us of how sweet life can be

Filling hearts with memories and desires for a cascade of the riches of togetherness.

 

Poem ~ Can’t You See

This all too quiet and empty space taunts me with questions

Why can’t you see how beautiful what we share is?

Perhaps you do, but for your own reasons you may not be able or willing to allow it

These have been amongst the longest weeks of my life, caught in the in-between

Many people feel that you are either in heaven or hell, but I beg to differ

For it seems that I am caught in both

Daring not to really hope, yet my heart still beats your name

All the while, my fear has built to a fever pitch and I’m filled with dread

Every time the phone rings and your face pops up, I feel that old excitement

Then I remember…and my body deflates…just waiting to hear the words

Which will either lift me up or tear me down, only this time for good

So much is riding on this little stretch of time that it’s terrifying

Some days, I ask myself why I continue to put myself through all of this

Especially when with each passing day, my faith in love takes another hit

When the emotional and physical toll are to the point that everything feels forced

As though I’m just going through the motions as I wait for the other shoe to drop

With every new morning, I feel more hollow as the distance between us seems greater

It all feels so unfair, almost cruel and unjust…yet I wait as patiently as I can

Because my love for you is so very strong and real that there is no choice but to wait

Until either you put me out of my misery, or I snap under the weight of my heavy heart

With each passing day, I tell myself that it won’t be long now

Which is both reassuring and dreadful at the same time

The thought of us ending before we truly had a chance to begin saddens me to the core

And the longer time stretches out, the less able I am to believe and trust in us

Is what we have enough to withstand a bump in the road and carry our love through

Back into the sunshine where we danced together so freely and joyfully?

I want to walk this road with you…bumps, potholes, daunting hills and all

Can’t you see?

 

 

 

 

Suspended

Time is standing still, yet I cannot settle down

Everything hangs in the balance, and I wait

Until an indefinite time to know for sure what the future holds

I am paralyzed in a state between hope and grief

What a place to be

My emotions are spinning, therefore so is the earth under my feet

I’ve ridden the top of the wave, crashed, and shattered on the rocks

Resigned myself to be broken for a while, awaiting the lull in the storm

Had given in to the notion of empty spaces and a whirling vortex of disbelief

And now,  I’ve been caused to feel the up surge, feeling as though I’m being lifted up

Dare I to allow myself to hope, given that it could all come crashing down again

Before it even gets back off the ground?

For there have been no real promises made, though beautiful words were spoken

How can I stop it, when my heart seems to whisper the sound of your name

Each time it beats in my hollowed out chest?

Just for now I will dare to allow a glimmer of hope

As I sit in a state of trepidation, knowing that on the other side of this storm

Will either be the rushing return of love’s embrace or the cold, harshness in which

I’ve recently dwelt, and had begun to convince myself I’d have to live in until I learned to go on without you

Even though terror quakes in my chest,  just for now I embolden myself to anticipate the feel of your kiss once more.

 

 

No Hope

At least when I was still allowing myself to believe that there was something to hope for, I felt that I had a little spark left in me

But now that hope has been removed from the menu, my entire being feels like an empty shell

A shell which has had all of its contents removed and been left to lie exposed in the full sun

Becoming ever more dried up and brittle, as though a light breeze could fracture it into a million tiny pieces

Yes, I’ve let go of the last vestiges of optimism which I was clinging to, when it comes to the two of us

The next step in this process is the cruelest bitch of all, for it’s the one in which my heart has to listen to my mind and give up on the notion of a relationship with you

Having this clarity is akin to rubbing my entire body with a rough grit sand paper, inside and out

But go through this I must, if I’m to heal and prepare myself to move on without you

Yes, I’m still stunned and feel massively betrayed for you have turned your back on me, despite all of the feelings you declared

When I think about all that I put myself through in order to be with you, all I can do is shake my head

For while the good times were beyond what I ever could have imagined, being left here, torn to shreds was a hefty price to pay.

Poetry ~ Not The Way I Dreamed

Waiting for the anger to kick in so that the pain can recede

Knowing the it will happen sooner or later, but it’s only been two days

Truly not wanting to feel this heartache, but not able to to drown it

No matter how hard I try or wish for it to be that easy

Simply won’t happen yet, and I know that it is as it must be

Begging for a mercy which simply doesn’t exist

There is no way to escape the pain of the loss of love

Of so many unspoken promises, no matter how strongly they were implied

Thinking of him with an entire different life, one which doesn’t include me

At least not in the way in which I had envisioned us being together….fuck, is this real?

Friends once more? I don’t know that I would have the strength for that

As much as I’d like to think that I could be capable of foregoing love

And falling back into friendship, no matter how small it may make me

My heart beats a staccato of hell no, of fuck that, of what the hell for

As much as I crave friendship in my relatively new city, desperation is not that deep.

 

 

Rediscovery

As I sit here on this soon to be rainy day, propping up the bar at my favorite office away from home

I find myself pondering so many things, right down to the very basics of who I am and where I’m going

The course has been thrown off by a storm of epic proportions and my sails have curled into something resembling the fetal position

My emotions run the gamut from depression to anger to foolish optimism

It’s funny though because this space, while painted in shades of black and blue

Is more alive than the state of numbness which preceded the time before I met him

Even though I feel quite dead inside at the moment. Talk about irony

Daring not to hope that love is enough, my aim is finding the fortitude to move forward

To reconfigure my plans now that the ones we were making have been invalidated

Knowing deep inside that I’ve got the inner fortitude to put the pieces back together

Is small consolation as I sit across the bar from where we used to sit and make plans, cozy in our own little world.