No Hope

At least when I was still allowing myself to believe that there was something to hope for, I felt that I had a little spark left in me

But now that hope has been removed from the menu, my entire being feels like an empty shell

A shell which has had all of its contents removed and been left to lie exposed in the full sun

Becoming ever more dried up and brittle, as though a light breeze could fracture it into a million tiny pieces

Yes, I’ve let go of the last vestiges of optimism which I was clinging to, when it comes to the two of us

The next step in this process is the cruelest bitch of all, for it’s the one in which my heart has to listen to my mind and give up on the notion of a relationship with you

Having this clarity is akin to rubbing my entire body with a rough grit sand paper, inside and out

But go through this I must, if I’m to heal and prepare myself to move on without you

Yes, I’m still stunned and feel massively betrayed for you have turned your back on me, despite all of the feelings you declared

When I think about all that I put myself through in order to be with you, all I can do is shake my head

For while the good times were beyond what I ever could have imagined, being left here, torn to shreds was a hefty price to pay.

Poetry ~ Not The Way I Dreamed

Waiting for the anger to kick in so that the pain can recede

Knowing the it will happen sooner or later, but it’s only been two days

Truly not wanting to feel this heartache, but not able to to drown it

No matter how hard I try or wish for it to be that easy

Simply won’t happen yet, and I know that it is as it must be

Begging for a mercy which simply doesn’t exist

There is no way to escape the pain of the loss of love

Of so many unspoken promises, no matter how strongly they were implied

Thinking of him with an entire different life, one which doesn’t include me

At least not in the way in which I had envisioned us being together….fuck, is this real?

Friends once more? I don’t know that I would have the strength for that

As much as I’d like to think that I could be capable of foregoing love

And falling back into friendship, no matter how small it may make me

My heart beats a staccato of hell no, of fuck that, of what the hell for

As much as I crave friendship in my relatively new city, desperation is not that deep.

 

 

Rediscovery

As I sit here on this soon to be rainy day, propping up the bar at my favorite office away from home

I find myself pondering so many things, right down to the very basics of who I am and where I’m going

The course has been thrown off by a storm of epic proportions and my sails have curled into something resembling the fetal position

My emotions run the gamut from depression to anger to foolish optimism

It’s funny though because this space, while painted in shades of black and blue

Is more alive than the state of numbness which preceded the time before I met him

Even though I feel quite dead inside at the moment. Talk about irony

Daring not to hope that love is enough, my aim is finding the fortitude to move forward

To reconfigure my plans now that the ones we were making have been invalidated

Knowing deep inside that I’ve got the inner fortitude to put the pieces back together

Is small consolation as I sit across the bar from where we used to sit and make plans, cozy in our own little world.

 

 

 

Gone

The sadness washes over me like a tidal wave

As I sit here in the silence, there are echoes of you everywhere

The hairbrush sitting at the ready, waiting for the soft locks

Which my fingers delighted to run through just mere days ago

Toothbrush in the medicine cabinet reminding me of you

And that special smile which filled my heart with so much love

I cannot bear the thought of getting rid of them, even though your voice

No longer fills this place with endless conversations and laughter

Seeing them fills my eyes with yet more tears…they’ve shed so many

The sheer volume which has poured from my eyes is staggering

But, I cannot yet part with the few things which were yours

For at least while they remain, there is a part of you here with me

And at least for a painful moment, I can try to pretend that you’ll walk through the door

It isn’t like I need reminding, for you are everywhere

The jar of honey haunts me, as silly as that may be

For I miss the sound of your spoon stirring tea, and the taste of it on your lips

What was once a place of so much joy feels hollow

And I remain behind, floating numb and grey, the ghost of dead romance

My body shaking with sorrow, remembering that flash in time

When the words I love you spilled from your lips. How quickly it all went away

Almost as though our hopes and dreams never existed, but yet I know they did

For this soul crushing pain will not let me forget

Nor will the bed which mocks me when I try to sleep in it

Or the couch which serves to remind me of how it felt to

Snuggle up in what felt like the safety of your arms

In what I was beginning to believe would be endless evenings of movies and podcasts

Not to mention the countless times we sat and enjoyed episode after episode

Of Picard telling Number One to make it so

Oh, if only I could wield the power of his words and put the air back in the room

So that I could once more take even a single breath which didn’t fill my chest with pain

But alas, I cannot. So here I sit in the silence, waiting for this hell to pass.

 

 

 

Fading

We once waited for our eyes to open

Just for the chance to hear one another’s voice

Saying good morning, before starting the day

Our feet barely registering how many steps we took

In the course of our gleeful explorations

To hear the excitement in your voice when I answered the phone

Was such sweet music to my ears,  my heart skipping a beat with each word

How quickly things change and we fall into routines and patterns

Making it feel like just another appointment penciled in

Just waiting for the eraser to come along and wipe it all away

The excitement in your voice has been fading over time

Even though my heart still skips a beat

Glow

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Some moments are reminders to slow down, for life moves fast enough

To enjoy the simple things which fill the world with magic

Like the fiery glow of daylight dipping down over the horizon

Or the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle and peonies drifting through the air

Accompanied by the sound of a lone trumpet player in the distance

Warm summer evenings filled with kisses sweeter then raspberry wine

The feel of my lover’s fingers intertwined with mine, like the finest lace

Weaving tenderness clear down to the toes, perhaps into the earth itself

Take in the sight of the gentle breeze ruffling his sun kissed hair as he sits on the park bench

Tune in, be present, these snapshots of life become etched in the heart

Forever coloring the world with memories, and unlocking the doors of possibility

 

 

Like The Tide

In the night, we left this place and drove to the sea

Arriving to a full moon floating over the gentle waves

Like something out of a dreamlike game sequence

So beautiful and ethereal, everything seemed almost unreal

The scene had us in an awestruck state of bliss

Oceanfront oasis with a wall of windows and giant fluffy bed

Facing the moonlit sea, loving one another to the rhythm of the surf

As the sky began to lighten, we moved to the wall of windows

Opening one to fill our already flooded senses with the sound and smell

Of the briny excitement of the purple sky and rushing water

Your arms around me as we stood by the window taking it in

Were all too real as we watched and listened, lips meeting now and then

Until the sun came up over the horizon and the scene faded out of existence

With the ebbing tide, leaving me to wake up in my usual spot

All of it left behind, hopefully to be revisited another night

What a delightful scene to have to vacate in lieu of a rainy day spent in a waiting room.