No Hope

At least when I was still allowing myself to believe that there was something to hope for, I felt that I had a little spark left in me

But now that hope has been removed from the menu, my entire being feels like an empty shell

A shell which has had all of its contents removed and been left to lie exposed in the full sun

Becoming ever more dried up and brittle, as though a light breeze could fracture it into a million tiny pieces

Yes, I’ve let go of the last vestiges of optimism which I was clinging to, when it comes to the two of us

The next step in this process is the cruelest bitch of all, for it’s the one in which my heart has to listen to my mind and give up on the notion of a relationship with you

Having this clarity is akin to rubbing my entire body with a rough grit sand paper, inside and out

But go through this I must, if I’m to heal and prepare myself to move on without you

Yes, I’m still stunned and feel massively betrayed for you have turned your back on me, despite all of the feelings you declared

When I think about all that I put myself through in order to be with you, all I can do is shake my head

For while the good times were beyond what I ever could have imagined, being left here, torn to shreds was a hefty price to pay.

Poetry ~ Not The Way I Dreamed

Waiting for the anger to kick in so that the pain can recede

Knowing the it will happen sooner or later, but it’s only been two days

Truly not wanting to feel this heartache, but not able to to drown it

No matter how hard I try or wish for it to be that easy

Simply won’t happen yet, and I know that it is as it must be

Begging for a mercy which simply doesn’t exist

There is no way to escape the pain of the loss of love

Of so many unspoken promises, no matter how strongly they were implied

Thinking of him with an entire different life, one which doesn’t include me

At least not in the way in which I had envisioned us being together….fuck, is this real?

Friends once more? I don’t know that I would have the strength for that

As much as I’d like to think that I could be capable of foregoing love

And falling back into friendship, no matter how small it may make me

My heart beats a staccato of hell no, of fuck that, of what the hell for

As much as I crave friendship in my relatively new city, desperation is not that deep.

 

 

Rediscovery

As I sit here on this soon to be rainy day, propping up the bar at my favorite office away from home

I find myself pondering so many things, right down to the very basics of who I am and where I’m going

The course has been thrown off by a storm of epic proportions and my sails have curled into something resembling the fetal position

My emotions run the gamut from depression to anger to foolish optimism

It’s funny though because this space, while painted in shades of black and blue

Is more alive than the state of numbness which preceded the time before I met him

Even though I feel quite dead inside at the moment. Talk about irony

Daring not to hope that love is enough, my aim is finding the fortitude to move forward

To reconfigure my plans now that the ones we were making have been invalidated

Knowing deep inside that I’ve got the inner fortitude to put the pieces back together

Is small consolation as I sit across the bar from where we used to sit and make plans, cozy in our own little world.

 

 

 

Gone

The sadness washes over me like a tidal wave

As I sit here in the silence, there are echoes of you everywhere

The hairbrush sitting at the ready, waiting for the soft locks

Which my fingers delighted to run through just mere days ago

Toothbrush in the medicine cabinet reminding me of you

And that special smile which filled my heart with so much love

I cannot bear the thought of getting rid of them, even though your voice

No longer fills this place with endless conversations and laughter

Seeing them fills my eyes with yet more tears…they’ve shed so many

The sheer volume which has poured from my eyes is staggering

But, I cannot yet part with the few things which were yours

For at least while they remain, there is a part of you here with me

And at least for a painful moment, I can try to pretend that you’ll walk through the door

It isn’t like I need reminding, for you are everywhere

The jar of honey haunts me, as silly as that may be

For I miss the sound of your spoon stirring tea, and the taste of it on your lips

What was once a place of so much joy feels hollow

And I remain behind, floating numb and grey, the ghost of dead romance

My body shaking with sorrow, remembering that flash in time

When the words I love you spilled from your lips. How quickly it all went away

Almost as though our hopes and dreams never existed, but yet I know they did

For this soul crushing pain will not let me forget

Nor will the bed which mocks me when I try to sleep in it

Or the couch which serves to remind me of how it felt to

Snuggle up in what felt like the safety of your arms

In what I was beginning to believe would be endless evenings of movies and podcasts

Not to mention the countless times we sat and enjoyed episode after episode

Of Picard telling Number One to make it so

Oh, if only I could wield the power of his words and put the air back in the room

So that I could once more take even a single breath which didn’t fill my chest with pain

But alas, I cannot. So here I sit in the silence, waiting for this hell to pass.

 

 

 

On Love and Loss

My father had been battling cancer for the past several months. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in the spring. Even though the doctors knew that they couldn’t cure it or perform surgery, they believed that they could hold the disease at bay. A little less than two weeks ago, I got a call that he was back in the hospital. They had found that the treatment had failed, and the cancer had spread. His request was that my sister and I come home.

We made it there just in time to see him while his mind was still lucid. Seeing him so very ill was a terrible experience. To witness the strongest person you’ve ever known be decimated by this horrible disease leaves a permanent mark. Seeing the smile on his face when we arrived however, makes every awful part of what transpired fade into the background. Knowing that he was happy because we made it there to see him is something that I will remember…always. The reality of his being gone is still sinking in as he has just passed on Monday. My mother has been gone for over 13 years and now dad is too. The hole left behind where they once were feels bigger than the Grand Canyon.

It is going to take a while to recover from the long trip home, both physically and emotionally. These days, I’m being gentle with myself by resting as much as I need to and allowing myself to retreat or reach out as I feel capable. The past week has held lessons, pain, healing, love, and incredible loss. When I’ve had more time to heal, I’m sure that I’ll be writing more about all of that. For now, I’m just going to take things one step at a time.¬†As much as I miss my dad, I am thankful that he is no longer in pain. I’ll always remember his snow white hair bouncing down through the field on the tractor, and the silly practical jokes that we used to play on one another.

I want to thank the people who have been and continue to be so loving and supportive. I have discovered through this process who my real friends are…whether related to me or not. First and foremost, I am so very thankful to my dear sister who has been with me every step of the way, not just now but throughout my entire life. There is another family member whose kindness and love I will hold close to my heart always…thank you auntie, for being a safe port in one of the biggest storms of my life. The time spent with you and your sons were the greatest medicine imaginable. There are several others to whom I extend my love and appreciation…the ones who allow me to handle this as I need to, without judgement…the ones who permit me time and space, yet check in on me in quiet ways to let me know that I am not alone…you know who you are.