Chronic Worth

Note: This is a re-post. The only thing changed is the title, which I did because the original title didn’t convey the sentiment the heart of what was being said. Many thanks to Julie from Mountain Made Crochet for helping me out with that.

When I first came back to the blog, I wrote about my awful experiences with variousĀ  medications for autoimmune disease. On some levels I feel a lot better without them, but my pain is getting a lot worse, and my energy never did make a full comeback. Back when I wrote that post, my mindset was leaning toward telling the rheumatologist that I didn’t want to try anything else after three different ones being so awful. Now that some time has passed, I am going to ask to try again, because the pain is not conducive to much.

It’s not a fun thing to have to choose between severe pain all the time, or the possibility of medication that makes things so much worse. However, I have things that I want to do, and there are a lot of other things that can be tried, so when I have my appointment in late June, I’ve decided to be brave and give it another go. Surely one of the many medications available will be tolerable by my supremely picky body.

What finally made me decide to continue with treatment is noticing that yet another of my fingers is starting to turn sideways. The incessant body-wide pain was already making me lean in that direction, but seeing yet another joint becoming disfigured is concrete proof to me that there is damage being done that needs to be stopped. In the meantime, I’ll be here as much as I can, and I’m hoping that it’s fairly often. Now that I’ve gotten this all out in the open, the next post will be about something other than my health. It isn’t something that I really like to talk about, but it is part of my life that will be popping up.

For several reasons, I’ve felt almost ashamed to talk about my struggles here. While I do not wish for health issues to make up a large part of this blog, I have decided to be a bit more open about it. There isn’t any shame in it, and that is part of my inner narrative that I am choosing to tell to shut the hell up. All the old voices of the past, and even in our society which cause us to place our value in what we produce, what we can do, how perfect we can make ourselves look can hush. It may be a little later in life, but it’s finally coming clear to me just how wrong those voices are and how to see myself differently.

Of course we should always be doing our best to have a life which is meaningful, but it can’t always be about how much money we make, what possessions we have, and all around being a poster child of materialistic success. Not saying that having nice things is bad, it’s just that as a society we all too often make those things the measure of worthiness in a person. Coming to a realization that I will not be rejoining the rat race has really helped me to see the intrinsic value of people, and it isn’t tied to what they do and what they own. While I’ve never viewed the world in that way, this is a whole new level, because those values had been embedded in me when it came to my own worth. So glad to finally have this fading, as I had a hard time fully loving myself and feeling worthy of acceptance. Here’s to all of us finding our sense of worth.

Do any of you go through this?

Celtic New Year ~ Word of the Year

Samhain has arrived again, which for me among other things, means that it is time to choose my word for the upcoming year. I’ve been doing this now for several years and it is something that I have grown to look forward to. I not only look forward to choosing a word for the year ahead, I also enjoy reflecting on the year just past to see how the word for that year influenced my life.

My word for this past year was listen, and let me tell you, it was a perfect year for listening. I spent all of 2016 learning to and giving myself permission to tune in and listen to the subtle whispers of my soul…listening for the hints, subtle and not so subtle which we all have pouring in that point us in the direction that’s in our best interest. The secret is tuning into the signal, much like tuning in to the right station on a radio or TV in order to listen to our favorite music or watch a good show or movie.

As I move through any given year, I consciously stop to remind myself of what my word is and ask myself how I can best align with it as I go through my days. In this past year, the act of listening has opened up so much for me. So many of the barriers and limiting beliefs have been dissolved or are at least well on their way to being dissolved. This has allowed me to release what needed to be released, move more comfortably into my own skin…my true callings…and contented, peaceful, enthusiasm at a more rapid rate and more comfortably than ever before. No, it wasn’t all easy, but somehow it was just different from in the past.

The act of listening has become such an ingrained part of me over this last year, that I’ll be happily carrying it forward from here on. Now, to move on to the year ahead. The act of listening to and acting on all of the whispers and hints which poured in has put in me very positive situations and set the stage for the real magic to continue. So my word for this year is…

Live!

For many years now, I’ve been doing much inner work, reflection, and what I like to think of as rewiring. Now, I’m ready to go much more external and live fully. This isn’t to say that I feel as though I’m fully hatched because really, none of us ever are. There are always more things to learn, it’s always a good idea to keep checking the gauges of our lives to see where we stand from time to time, and it’s definitely a good idea to maintain practices in our daily lives which keep us spiritually nourished.

With all of that being said, the time is right for me to take all of the knowledge and changes which I’ve worked on over the past several years and run with them. I feel an enthusiasm for life which hasn’t existed in me for a very long time. It isn’t that I’ve been going around in a total fog, it’s just that this enthusiam which I feel now was not nearly as intense in the past and admittedly at times it was at such a low level as to be practically indiscernable.

Going forth into this year, I’ll be giving myself permission to move beyond the old fears and mental limitations which were largely released last year and really step it up and live all of the things that I’ve been working on and dreaming of. Doors have been opening up and I’m finally ready to walk through them. This feels like a time of action…of movement, and I’m excited to see where the road leads.

Do you have a theme or word which you’ll be focusing on this year? If so, I’d love to hear about it!