Poem ~ Can’t You See

This all too quiet and empty space taunts me with questions

Why can’t you see how beautiful what we share is?

Perhaps you do, but for your own reasons you may not be able or willing to allow it

These have been amongst the longest weeks of my life, caught in the in-between

Many people feel that you are either in heaven or hell, but I beg to differ

For it seems that I am caught in both

Daring not to really hope, yet my heart still beats your name

All the while, my fear has built to a fever pitch and I’m filled with dread

Every time the phone rings and your face pops up, I feel that old excitement

Then I remember…and my body deflates…just waiting to hear the words

Which will either lift me up or tear me down, only this time for good

So much is riding on this little stretch of time that it’s terrifying

Some days, I ask myself why I continue to put myself through all of this

Especially when with each passing day, my faith in love takes another hit

When the emotional and physical toll are to the point that everything feels forced

As though I’m just going through the motions as I wait for the other shoe to drop

With every new morning, I feel more hollow as the distance between us seems greater

It all feels so unfair, almost cruel and unjust…yet I wait as patiently as I can

Because my love for you is so very strong and real that there is no choice but to wait

Until either you put me out of my misery, or I snap under the weight of my heavy heart

With each passing day, I tell myself that it won’t be long now

Which is both reassuring and dreadful at the same time

The thought of us ending before we truly had a chance to begin saddens me to the core

And the longer time stretches out, the less able I am to believe and trust in us

Is what we have enough to withstand a bump in the road and carry our love through

Back into the sunshine where we danced together so freely and joyfully?

I want to walk this road with you…bumps, potholes, daunting hills and all

Can’t you see?

 

 

 

 

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No Hope

At least when I was still allowing myself to believe that there was something to hope for, I felt that I had a little spark left in me

But now that hope has been removed from the menu, my entire being feels like an empty shell

A shell which has had all of its contents removed and been left to lie exposed in the full sun

Becoming ever more dried up and brittle, as though a light breeze could fracture it into a million tiny pieces

Yes, I’ve let go of the last vestiges of optimism which I was clinging to, when it comes to the two of us

The next step in this process is the cruelest bitch of all, for it’s the one in which my heart has to listen to my mind and give up on the notion of a relationship with you

Having this clarity is akin to rubbing my entire body with a rough grit sand paper, inside and out

But go through this I must, if I’m to heal and prepare myself to move on without you

Yes, I’m still stunned and feel massively betrayed for you have turned your back on me, despite all of the feelings you declared

When I think about all that I put myself through in order to be with you, all I can do is shake my head

For while the good times were beyond what I ever could have imagined, being left here, torn to shreds was a hefty price to pay.

Poetry ~ Not The Way I Dreamed

Waiting for the anger to kick in so that the pain can recede

Knowing the it will happen sooner or later, but it’s only been two days

Truly not wanting to feel this heartache, but not able to to drown it

No matter how hard I try or wish for it to be that easy

Simply won’t happen yet, and I know that it is as it must be

Begging for a mercy which simply doesn’t exist

There is no way to escape the pain of the loss of love

Of so many unspoken promises, no matter how strongly they were implied

Thinking of him with an entire different life, one which doesn’t include me

At least not in the way in which I had envisioned us being together….fuck, is this real?

Friends once more? I don’t know that I would have the strength for that

As much as I’d like to think that I could be capable of foregoing love

And falling back into friendship, no matter how small it may make me

My heart beats a staccato of hell no, of fuck that, of what the hell for

As much as I crave friendship in my relatively new city, desperation is not that deep.

 

 

Gone

The sadness washes over me like a tidal wave

As I sit here in the silence, there are echoes of you everywhere

The hairbrush sitting at the ready, waiting for the soft locks

Which my fingers delighted to run through just mere days ago

Toothbrush in the medicine cabinet reminding me of you

And that special smile which filled my heart with so much love

I cannot bear the thought of getting rid of them, even though your voice

No longer fills this place with endless conversations and laughter

Seeing them fills my eyes with yet more tears…they’ve shed so many

The sheer volume which has poured from my eyes is staggering

But, I cannot yet part with the few things which were yours

For at least while they remain, there is a part of you here with me

And at least for a painful moment, I can try to pretend that you’ll walk through the door

It isn’t like I need reminding, for you are everywhere

The jar of honey haunts me, as silly as that may be

For I miss the sound of your spoon stirring tea, and the taste of it on your lips

What was once a place of so much joy feels hollow

And I remain behind, floating numb and grey, the ghost of dead romance

My body shaking with sorrow, remembering that flash in time

When the words I love you spilled from your lips. How quickly it all went away

Almost as though our hopes and dreams never existed, but yet I know they did

For this soul crushing pain will not let me forget

Nor will the bed which mocks me when I try to sleep in it

Or the couch which serves to remind me of how it felt to

Snuggle up in what felt like the safety of your arms

In what I was beginning to believe would be endless evenings of movies and podcasts

Not to mention the countless times we sat and enjoyed episode after episode

Of Picard telling Number One to make it so

Oh, if only I could wield the power of his words and put the air back in the room

So that I could once more take even a single breath which didn’t fill my chest with pain

But alas, I cannot. So here I sit in the silence, waiting for this hell to pass.

 

 

 

Postcard Messages

The following post is another prompt from the site I came across a little while back. The prompt was to base something on postcard messages, and I thought it would be interesting to see what could happen on opposite sides of an exchange.

“I sure wish you were here darling”. That’s the message he dashed off on the card he had quickly grabbed without even looking at the picture on it. Dropping it into the mailbox, he walked away with his mind already on the woman waiting for him at the bar down the street.

“This distance between us makes me ache to see you again. Maybe someday we’ll be lucky enough to be nearer my love. Until then we’ll have memories, promises, and hydrangeas.” This was the reply that she lovingly wrote on her carefully chosen card. She felt lucky to have gotten the last one with a photo of their favorite place to visit when he was in town. She smiled as she brushed her hand over the card he had sent, touched that he had remembered her favorite flower.

“Looks like I won’t be able to get that time away after all. I miss you baby. The boss is such a bastard.” He tossed this card into the mailbox hurriedly too and went back to where she was waiting in the car. Their bags were in the back for a romantic week at the beach. He kissed her as he got back into the car.

“I hate it that you’re working so much. Sometimes I feel as though I’ll never see you again, and we haven’t talked all week. You’re right. Your boss sucks. Need to see you soon. I love you”. She wiped a tear from her cheek before heading to the post office. Her heart was heavy with a loneliness that was so big that she could barely breathe.

The next card came and the message scrawled on it was, “Hope you’re doing well love”. She nervously opened the other piece of mail she had gotten that day, and a handful of photos fell onto the table.

She ripped his card into pieces and scrawled a message of her own in return, using the back of one of the photos to write on. “Go to hell”.