The Flu & A Change Of Pace

Hi everyone. It has been pretty quiet around here for a little while, other than the faces. I thought I’d come by and share what is going on with me right now. The first thing, which is the main reason it has been so quiet, is that I’ve had the flu for a week and it’s still got its grip on me. Right before that, I had a stomach virus. So, the month of February has been a rough one.

Right before I came down with this nasty bug, I had decided to suspend the tarot cards, at least for a while…maybe permanently. I’ve also removed the readings page from the site…also indefinitely. In addition, I deleted the Facebook group which I had been running for a while. It isn’t that I’m through with using my talents and abilities to help others…I just feel that it’s time to change the direction a bit. Before I had a chance to define the changes, even for myself, this flu hit me. I’m aware that this might be a good thing, because I’ve been forced to wait, as opposed to just jumping right into things without much thought as has been my not so successful habit.

While I’ve been too sick to give things a whole lot of thought, I do know one thing. Many years ago I had a blog (which no longer exists). That blog was very uplifting, positive, and honestly…more fun than this one has been in a long time…maybe ever. I have missed this side of myself. While making my statement without reservation…that I can read tarot, that I have a finely honed intuition, that I have the ability to make connections with those who have passed…was important, the time has come to reclaim that other part of me.

You see, for most of my life, I kept those parts of me tucked away. There were several reasons why I did that. The main reasons were the early disapproval and rejection by religion and family. There were many years which I lived in a state of shame and insecurity…and more than a little self loathing. While there were times during which I had worked with these things, there were always people from whom I kept it all a secret because of the fear of rejection. Then, something happened when I hit 40.

After all of those years of ups and downs, I claimed that part of myself in a big way. It became more important to me that I squashed the shame than it was to risk having people, mainly in my family, turn their backs on me. So, for the past three years, I’ve been wide out in the open…and until recently, it felt really good. Recently, I found myself thinking that it’s great that I have been open about that part of myself and am finally without shame. At the same time, I feel that it’s time to blend all of my parts together. To gain some balance.

It isn’t that I’ll never do readings again. I probably will…and it will happen when it is meant to…without me being out there every day, trying to convince people that they need a reading from me. This has never felt good. It isn’t that I’ll never post tarot cards again. I might…and if so, that’s fine…just not now. So, what am I going to be doing?

That is a question which I do not entirely have an answer to yet. I know that I’ll be doing more work in encouraging people to thrive from where they are, and getting the message out there that every life has value. As a person with chronic illnesses, it has taken me a long time to understand that I still have a lot to offer to the world. That old blog that I was telling you about was one which focused a lot on posts, stories, and activities which encouraged people to see the value in themselves. In addition to that, it was always my hope that I might put something out there which would cause those without chronic illnesses or other obstacles to be more compassionate and less dismissive. I also made a lot of silly, just for the fun of it posts on that old blog too, and I’d like to do some of those again because while most of you wouldn’t know it from the previous tone of this site…I am a goofball from way back.

So, those are the worlds which I am in the process of blending together. The pieces will fall together in due time. Until they do I’ll finish editing my novel, make some posts of the old variety, write posts on nature and the environment, make some more videos about various things, and keep making art. Who knows how it will all come together. I surely do not, and for the first time ever…I’m okay with that. I’ve settled into a space of being still and going with the flow of things…of observing and listening to the voice within. You know the one…the one that comes from inside the heart…the one that lights up and brightly says, “yes, that!”, when you are truly inspired to do something which just feels right.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’m looking forward to putting some stuff together…as soon as I’m done healing from this flu. Sure hope that many of you will stick around. Not to worry…there will still be posts and videos on crystals and energy work because this is still very much a part of me. It always will be. As soon as I’m better…the whole me will be taking the wheel. Now that my open statement about the long rejected part of me has been out there for a while, I’m ready for there to be no more fragments. Time to climb out of my self imposed box and open up to life more.

A Little Update

Other than the Card of the Day, posts have been pretty scant here this month. Those of you who follow me on Facebook know that I participated in NaNoWriMo again this year.  Each year in November, National Novel Writing Month is a challenge in which the goal is to write at least 50,000 words. Thankfully, I met my goal. In 2011, I participated in NaNoWriMo for the first time and met my goal, but that’s where it stopped.

Since 2011, my novel has been sitting there not only unfinished, but untouched. Just yesterday, I learned that December is NaNoFiMo…National Novel Finishing Month. So, I decided to dust off my work from 2011 and will be working on that in the month of December. Of course, I’ll need to come back later to finish my work from this year, which was non-fiction, and I will.

For now though, there is a burning desire to finish the story which has been bouncing around in my head since I was in my 20’s. Confession time…I was ready to just let the story go…but in a recent conversation with my awesome writer friend Jules…well, she’s just awesome all around, she let me know that it would be a mistake to let go of something which had kept resurrecting itself for that many years. She was right!

There is a part of me which wonders if I am a glutton for punishment to jump into this right on the tail of November’s mad rush, however I see the benefit of striking while the iron is still hot. My imagination is still turned on pretty nicely, and my old characters are beginning to come back to life in my mind again. They pop up at the strangest times. The scenes and conversations have flitted through my mind as I stir my dinner on the stove. They’ve even invaded the shower…so, the message is clear…they will not be ignored.

Other than writing, I still managed to fit a few readings in. There was a little play with art projects too, to help me to stay sane. For December, I can honestly tell you in advance that the posts, other than the cards, will likely be few and far between again…but you never know. I’ve had to scale things back a little here and there, because in addition to the writing I’ve also been trying to keep up with three classes. One of those classes has needed to take a back seat and I’ve learned to be okay with that. Lucky for me, the person who leads the class understands that I just cannot give proper attention to this many things simultaneously and still feel human.

Please, do not think that I am complaining because honestly…diving into my writing like this is a lifelong dream. So, while my days and sometimes nights are mostly spent with my fingers flying across the keyboard…or with me sitting here not knowing where to go next…it is wonderful! It is feeling as though I’m finding more balance in my life than ever before…and doing more of the things that make me feel alive.

I’m still available to do some readings here and there, so please feel free to ask, and we’ll get something scheduled. Thank you all for staying with me. Know that you are appreciated! These next words may come across as just something that people say…but I mean them…from the bottom of my heart. Over the years, I’ve gotten to know several of you…some through comments…others on Facebook…and others still outside of the online world…and it has been fantastic. Each and every one of you has enriched my life, and I thank you.

 

More To Come

I promise you that a real post is coming soon. These past several weeks have been so hectic that I didn’t even realize how long it had been since I posted anything until last night. Sadly, I wasn’t able to keep the sweet kitty cat who brightened my home for three months and it broke my heart to part with her. My allergies were so severe that no amount of medications for me and baths for her were working. The day after I returned her I discovered that a very close family member had just been diagnosed with cancer. I’ve also been very concerned about the health of another close family member. As if all of that wasn’t enough, I’ve been experiencing some real hiccups in my relationships sector. Plus, a new venture in which I was involved for a brief month came to an abrupt end.

To be quite honest with all of you, there were several days in which I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to hold on to my sanity. I am in a better place emotionally, however I haven’t slowed down enough physically to share much with all of you here. I have been on the go non-stop. Between medical appointments (nothing life threatening) and just simply not being able to remain still because there was too much to think about…its been about all I can handle. I do have a few big pieces of art which are nearing completion which I’ll be able to share with you soon and I also have a few regular posts running through my mind to sit and write in the near future.

So, please don’t think that this blog is dead. It’s just that I have had way too much going on in my personal life. It seems as though things are winding down and I’m taking steps to start making space for the things which really matter but have fallen by the wayside. This blog is one of those things. Don’t give up on me…I’m here…and I’m planning on being way more consistent and present soon. Big changes are happening, and while the road is bumpy it is filled with hope for things yet to come.

Time Flies

It’s been over a week since I’ve posted anything here and even longer than that since I’ve actually written much. Lately a lot of my focus has been on artwork as well as doing a lot of work spiritually. Right now I’m working on a 16 x 20 ink piece. It’s my largest piece to date and it’s coming along nicely. Of course I’ll be posting it here when it is finished.

The spiritual work I’ve been doing is more complicated, just because there are several different things going on at once. I’m glad to report that I’ve gotten back into meditation which is already making a huge difference, as well as finally getting around to resuming work on a series of shamanic journeys which I started and then swiftly let slide back in November. In addition to that I’ve been diving deep into studying tarot. I’ve been working with oracle cards for a while now and have no plans to drop them because I feel a deep connection with this particular deck. It’s just that a new contact really sparked my interest in learning the system and relationships between the cards in tarot decks. Learning tarot has been on my to do list for a long time. I just hadn’t gotten serious about doing the work. It has been a time of digging deep and going within for me spiritually. At the same time, I am reaching outward spiritually in ways that I haven’t before and it feels great.

As far as writing goes, I have to tell you that I’ve found myself with little to say for a while. It seems that my focus has shifted into more hands on visual expression and working with others on a spiritual level and I’m okay with that. I’m not saying that writing is gone forever for me…I honestly don’t know. This year, I won’t be participating in the A to Z Blog Challenge. I’m way too busy with other things to handle it this year. However, I am going to do my best to participate in National Poetry Month again, which is in April. Last year I did both A to Z and Poetry Month simultaneously and while I admit that it was fun, I also felt like I was going crazy sometimes.

I want to thank all of you who have stuck with me as I’ve made the transition from expressing myself almost entirely in writing to almost entirely visually. I’m going to do my best to post something here at least once per week, whether it’s artwork or written word. I’ll see you next week!

 

 

Silent But Not Still

I’m not ready for part two of the Madwoman series yet, but I figured that it was about time that I come here and let you all know that I haven’t vanished. I’ve been quiet here, but have been pretty busy with other things. There are a few journaling courses that I’m working through, and I have a few more courses waiting in the wings when I’m through with those. The theme for me lately seems to be learning.

Learning more about skills, spirituality, myself, the world around me, and so much more. I’ve finally reached a point in which I’ve realized that I have to slow down and learn more in depth about certain subjects. It isn’t as though I do not have the books to make a good dent in what I need to know. I just have to settle down and do the work. I have stacks of notebooks and piles of pens on hand to take notes.It’s more than just what I can find in books too…it’s stilling myself and assimilating. It’s time to embrace my inner nerd for a while and move beyond the beginner’s material…beyond the stuff for dummies. How can I be fully me and do what I do properly if I’m too flipping lazy to sit still and study?

It hasn’t been all work and no play though. Never is for me! I’ve been doing a little painting and a lot of knitting while watching Netflix…a friend has gotten me hooked on ‘The Ghost Whisperer’. I’ll have to take and post some photos soon of the knitting projects I’ve finished and that I’m working on. There are quite a few. I still have to finish the painting I’m working on too and will get it up here when it’s done as well.

I’ve been spending more time at home lately because I’ve been pretty sick for a few months, worse in the past several weeks, with an infected tooth. The original dentist I went to was a total dunce who at least got me started on some antibiotics, but no way was I going back. He wanted to do a cleaning while I had a raging infection. Umm…no thanks. Then he was trying to bully me into doing something I didn’t want to do. Note to the world…Tracy doesn’t respond well to bullying. I found another dentist but it will still be a few weeks before my appointment. Meanwhile, the infection came roaring back about ten days ago and I was well out of antibiotics. I tried toughing it out and staving it off with garlic and vitamin c…didn’t work out. After running a low grade fever and getting sicker over the past week, I went to my GP yesterday and got more antibiotics to tide me over until the appointment. As you can imagine, my energy levels have been on the low side.

There’s more that I’ve been doing too. I’ve been working and networking with some very cool people as time and energy permit and I’ve taken some time for spending with friends and family too. It’s a busy time and as weird as this might sound I’m sort of thankful that my energy levels aren’t as high as they could be, because at least I am taking some down time instead of running myself into the ground completely…as I tend to do.

The Madwoman book and the dark poetry project are on hold for a little while. I had to make some decisions about how much I can possibly work on at any given time and which ones should take the high spot on the priority list. I’ve still got those things right beside me at all times…not forgotten. Possibly becoming something even more powerful as I work through other things first? Time will tell.

I hope that all is well in your little corners of the world. What has taken center stage for you lately?

Shaking Things Up

I’ve been making some discoveries and changes lately. The discoveries are:

*I need to be working on the things that I love to do, and I mean real passion baby.

*Letting go of that which doesn’t enrich my life in some way. It can even be a difficult but needed lesson, as long as I let go once that is fulfilled.

*Conserving my energy for the people and things with which will at the very least will be of a symbiotic rather than parasitic nature.

*Last but not least…I need to get very clear about what it is that I am looking to accomplish.

The changes:

*To help me to work on the things which ignite my passions, I need a clear head. Part of the change which I’m making here is to do away with a medication I’ve been on for several years for neuropathy (Neurontin) from my car accident. It’s going to take several weeks to come off of it, but I’m hoping that it will be worth it. Time is the only thing which will tell on this one.

*Also to work on the things I’m passionate about, I’ll need time. This means that I will be pulling back somewhat from my role as a spiritual advisor. I’ll still be doing some of it because it is a big part of who I am. However, it isn’t all that I am and I need to fulfill the other parts of me too…the writer, the poet, the artist, etc. Catch 22 time…a person cannot be the best at anything that they are doing if they aren’t being the best that they can be to all parts of themselves and I haven’t been. If you choose to see this as me being selfish and wish to leave my company, feel free. This isn’t about you.

*I’m letting go guilt for needing to say no or to leaving a phone or door unanswered.

*I’m letting go of any and all people who have no respect for the fact that I have needs, concerns, interests, and passions of my own.

*Over the next several days or longer I’ll be making clear lists of things which I feel a burning desire to work on and then making way for it to happen. This includes getting out of my own way.

There are a few ideas already dancing around in my imagination. Instead of leaving them at this formative stage, I’ll be taking them further this time around. I’ll be drawing up clear goals and expectations and setting things firmly in place and in motion to make them possible.

Once more I come to you asking you to bear with me as I iron the wrinkles out. Also, I ask you to look within yourselves…at your own lives to see if some of this resonates for you and if so…what you are willing and able to do about it. We’re all here to find our own footing and hopefully to help others to do the same as we stumble our way down the bramble filled rose garden path called life. In telling you my own stories, it’s always my hope that some of you will identify with them in some way and that it might help you to find answers of your own.

Confession Time…I’m Struggling

Seeing as how the tags go at the bottom of the post, I’ll give you a heads up now that there will be adult language. This is one of those times in which I do not wish to nor do I care about censoring myself. So if bad language offends you, this might be a good time for you to skip today’s post with no hard feelings on either of our parts.

As I’ve made mention of in previous posts, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. and Fibromyalgia, as well spinal stenosis, disk herniations, and arthritis (due to an auto accident). While I do my best to be upbeat and positive at all times, there are times, and this is one of them in which I just fucking fail at it. I’ve been in a serious flare up for well over a week now and it isn’t showing much sign of letting up. My weekend and my Monday were spent in bed watching Netflix because I was too sick and exhausted to do anything else.

My mood started to become majorly impacted a few days ago. Yes, I’ve been feeling really depressed and isolated. As one can never tell for sure with CFS/M.E., the sore throats and fevers that go along with it are either directly related to it and not contagious or it’s something else. While I’m pretty certain that this instance is all CFS/M.E. I still try not to go around people more than necessary on the off chance that it isn’t and risk getting them sick. Between that and just being too wiped out and sick to go out much, a person can get really lonely at times. Luckily for me, this doesn’t happen too often because I’ve always needed a fair amount of time to myself anyway but when those feelings do hit, it sucks.

On top of this stuff, or maybe partly due to it…who knows…I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. When I first moved here I was out having a great time, meeting new people and getting more active. All of the activity might be at least partially to blame for my current state. Then again, it could have just been time for a flare up. I don’t know, but having to limit my life because it may or may not cause CFS/M.E. consequences pisses me off. It wasn’t so bad when I lived in a location that I hated but I truly love it here and want to partake in all that it has to offer.

This leads to the next item on my to bitch about list. Money…or lack thereof. My physical state has caused me to be in what is the lowest income bracket I’ve ever been in, and as much as I want it to change I am not feeling confident at the moment. This adds to the depression I’m feeling. It isn’t as though I aspire to be wealthy but I openly admit that I aim for better than it is right now. If there’s a way to figure it out, I’m sure that I will in time. This is just a low moment in which I’m letting things screw with my head. I haven’t even been able to write much lately, and writing is one of my hopes for changing my situation.

While I’m at it I may as well go all the way and spill everything that’s on my mind. I’ve been legally single now for almost five years and didn’t date at all for two years after the divorce was final. I needed time on my own to figure my life out and also to try to figure out why it was that I had made such horrible choices with men, even before my ex-husband. I will say that my background (in childhood) was not real conducive to knowing what healthy relationships of any sort are supposed to look like.

In addition to just not knowing if I’ll ever be healed enough to make wise romantic choices, at the moment I’m also feeling as though my health issues would be too much to deal with. I know that some of you are going to say that real love works through and around these things, and I agree, but when I’m feeling this badly I do think about the impact that my health would have on another person and wonder if it’s even fair to put someone through this shit. I guess I can make that decision at such time that Mr. Right becomes available to me or shows up or whatever.

I don’t want anyone to worry because I’m not ready to go dive off the roof…not even close. I’m just feeling very uncertain, a little depressed, and more than a little pissed off right now. Why am I sharing all of this here? Because it’s important to me that all of you know the whole me and not just the good bits. Yes, I’m pretty upbeat most of the time but there are times when my life feels like a steaming pile of dung and this is one of them. Knowing that we are all human and that we all struggle sometimes is important, because it lets us know that we aren’t alone. There are people out there, whom I like to call the fluff bunnies…and they portray that they are just these shiny, happy people all the time…to which I respectfully say…bullshit. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so respectful, but sometimes life is difficult and we can’t help but wallow in our misery for a little while. It’s okay as long as we don’t stay there too long…and I won’t. Here’s to being human!