Poetry ~ Rediscovery

Opening the door to a brand new me

Not that all has changed, but enough

Tossed and turned by truth, lies, and betrayal

In the wake, the question looms

Who am I now?

This place is exciting, freeing, and scary all at once

For there are parts of me which don’t seem to live here anymore

Not sure that this is a bad thing

Waiting for the dust to settle so that I can see clearly

I feel the need for some of the additions to my essentia

Yet, they worry me at the same time

New levels of distrust and caution have entered

These dangerous words have a dual edge which can free or cut

While needing to embrace more caution, for my own wellbeing

There’s resentment for the way in which I’ve been forced to let it in

Not sure if I truly want to absorb those feelings

For while they protect, they can steal precious life and joy

Yes, people, including myself are fucked up to infinity

Some though, storm the castle walls, tearing them to shreds

While wearing the guise of an ally

Intentional or not is irrelevant, for the destruction is all the same

They rip away sense of security, and the walls which were trained with blooms

The beautiful parts which when removed, strip away the verve

Things which make up the self

For a while, I’ll be sorting through the rubble

Tossing out the rubbish, repairing cracks in things I need to keep

And finding pieces to emerge stronger, both old and new

It’ll all be better than ever

Perhaps, someday I’ll be grateful for the lessons

For the beautiful phoenix who is rising from the ashes

Will be stronger, better, more joyful

For now though, I’m walking a fine line

Between the world of forgiveness

And hanging on to the reminders of what brought me here

So that the sword which felled the blow

Never has the chance to inflict another wound

Just going to let that one sit on the back burner

While I focus on rediscovering myself.

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Mabon ~ Balance Between Light and Dark

It has been a while since I’ve written anything spiritual or to honor the cycles of life, so here I am. Mabon aka the Autumn equinox is a day in which there is a balance between light and dark. It is a day to look within and reflect on what we’ve accomplished over the previous months, and to examine whether there is anything in our lives which no longer fits. Before we turn inward over the Winter, it is the perfect time to give that last push toward what we wish to manifest.

I’ve always enjoyed this time of year a great deal, and this year things really kicked into high gear in my own life in terms of letting go and looking ahead. Just a few days ago, I was finally able to let go of a very toxic situation in my life after months of confusion and not honoring myself. The amount of relief that I felt, and the almost immediate shift toward embracing what makes me feel happy and fulfilled has been nothing short of drop dead gorgeous!

Over the past year, I entered into a situation which was in direct opposition to my deepest desires, what I stand for, and what I believe in. As the months wore on, I found that I was turning into someone barely recognizable to myself. Yet, I soldiered on and continued to wander through what rapidly turned into an emotional, mental, and spiritual wasteland. I pushed myself beyond my limits of acceptability in order to give someone the benefit of the doubt…and it cost me greatly (not gonna happen again). There’s no need to go into further detail because I’ve left all of that behind me.

Looking forward, not only can I see what I do not want, but I have more clarity about what I don’t. There will definitely be more caution about what I allow into my life, and I’m gaining a broader picture of the types of activities and things which suit who I am at my core. It feels so good to have the stress gone, and to be able to rebuild my life. To reclaim my life and power has been a feeling like no other. I’ll be working through the anger for some time, but that’s okay. Sometimes you just need to be pissed, sometimes anger is appropriate and can be used to bolster us as we learn how to thrive.

Throughout the day, I’ve spent a great deal of time envisioning my life as I wish it to be and in clearing out traces of the heavy energy which had gathered around me. Am I exhausted? You betcha! Is it worth it? Undoubtedly. Thankfully I have a month to heal and rest before seeing my best friend since the 5th grade in person for the first time in…well, a very long time. I’m diving more deeply into my art and working through more rounds of submission for my novel. I’ll be putting a lot more energy into my other work too…my writing, my coaching practice, my work in constructively helping others to embrace themselves…so many things.

Even though I’ve only been out of the situation for a few days, I’ve been very proactive…making contacts and gathering information. I am being a little tight lipped about some of my plans, because I have a lot to do over the upcoming months. As things continue to take shape, I’ll reveal more. For now though, I’ll say that things are about to get a lot more creative and busy around here. One other thing I’d like to share here today is that in November, I’ll possibly be adding a feline friend to my household. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but have held back on for various reasons. I may throw caution to the wind and allow myself the joy of having a cat again.

In closing, I’d like to encourage anyone reading this to reach for what you want in life. Don’t be afraid to truly live and actively seek your joy. In that process there may be some painful truths and releases which need to happen, but don’t we all owe it to ourselves to work toward the fullest realization of ourselves which we possibly can?

Happy Mabon everyone!

Love,

Tracy

 

 

 

My Turn

First off, let me start by writing a little bit about why I have this blog and who I am as a person. The point of this blog is to put out expressions of personal thoughts, experiences, and even creative writing which are (for the most part) positive and moving or entertaining. There have been times in which I’ve come here and talked a little about the challenges in my life. With that being said, the point of those posts have always been to convey the valuable lessons I’ve been provided through the challenges or to demonstrate the truth that we always have the ability to choose how we handle and/or react to things.

In a nutshell, I show up here to give encouragement or to share my love for poetry and creative writing. This is meant to be a positive space-a place where people drop in to be reminded that life is largely what we make it and to gather perspective for those times when it might be a little more difficult to remember that we can choose. Now, I’ll get to the point of the post which is reflected in the title…my turn.

I understand that people face many challenges in their lives and that our experience on this planet is one of learning. We gather wisdom and perspective along the way, and learn throughout the course of our time here how to handle the challenges which we will all be presented with. Difficulty walks through the door of every one of our lives, as do joy and triumph. My job here is not to become a sounding board for how much someone’s life sucks.

Let me repeat that- My job here is not to be a repository for anyone’s negative thoughts or outlook. As a matter of fact, I am going to come right out and say it…leave that stuff somewhere else. While looking for the silver lining in everything may not be everyone’s cup of tea, that’s how I live my life and that’s what this entire blog is about. This is my creation of a space of upliftment, sharing experiences with a positive twist, and creative expression. Of course we all need encouragement from time to time…yes, even me.

If you find yourself here and wish to state your case for how life keeps kicking you in the ass and that you have absolutely no say in the matter, this is not the place for you. As a matter of fact, I’ve had people who have been discouraged from expressing themselves in a more positive way because someone negative had beat them to the punch in the comments section. So, I am claiming this space for its intended purpose and if need be, I will turn comment moderation back on in order to get things back on track.

To be clear, there is a big difference between asking for a little support and grumbling about how you view your life as worse than just about everyone’s, and we all know the difference. So here I am asking you to respect the rules of engagement here, which are simple. No overt negativity and no arguing your case for why things are always stacked against you. As a person with more than her fair share of challenges, I can manage to come here five days a week and very rarely mention said challenges in a way which sounds like a woe is me statement.

From here on out, any comments which are overtly negative will not be replied to and will likely be deleted.

Unknown Endings

I remember the first time that I heard the song “Great Unknown” by Various Cruelties. It made me think about how our lives are largely a great unknown…especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Sometimes the end of a relationship is heart wrenching, and you wind up drowning in a pool of your tears as it all shatters around you. Sort of like the mirrors in the castle of the goblin king that burst into thousands of shards as he snatches what you love the most away from you. Others seem to flicker out so gradually that you wonder if it was all just a figment of your imagination.

Love is a complicated thing which seems as though it should be simple. Girl meets boy…they fall in love…and spend happily ever after together, holding onto one another’s hand and heart through the ups and downs of life…through the dreams and disappointments. It may happen for some but for many of us, there seems to be a series of glorious takeoffs, false starts, fizzles, duds, and the occasional nuclear meltdown.

New love is certainly exciting, but I think that there is something to be said for longevity as well. It might not have the fireworks and racing pulse of the early days, but there seems to be a gentle sweetness about it. A deep knowing…a bottomless understanding of another person…someone who understands you better than you understand yourself at times. I am not speaking from experience here and will openly admit that my longest relationship was six years…and my only marriage lasted for three. This might say something about me as a person…or maybe about my judgement in picking a mate…perhaps a combination of both…I don’t know. What I do know is that I love to see people in love. There is just something about it which makes my heart happy and gives me a feeling of hope for the rest of us. Not only that, but I always (okay usually) send a silent wish that the couple feels that way about one another always.

For the time being, I am in a limbo state…not really knowing what my future holds in this respect. None of us really do..I know that. It isn’t that I am in such a rush to be coupled up because I have plenty in my life to make me fulfilled and happy. I just wonder if there will ever be a day for me when I’m not living the first line of the song….

I know that I’ve been here before…packing up my suitcase, one foot out the door

Thursday Thoughts ~ Why?

I’m sure that you find yourself asking this one word question often too. Why? One little word with so much impact, yet so few answers. I’ve asked this question many times over the years in various situations, both large scale and on an interpersonal level. We all have. We can ask it about big things like why there is so much violence and war. We can ask why it is so difficult to trust that people are what they portray themselves to be. Why does love fade? Why are people so cruel to one another? Why do people lie so much?

These situations are universal and know no borders or boundaries. The truth is that the answer to all of these questions are as unique as the particular circumstances and people that we ask them about. It is impossible for us to figure out the motivation for the actions, or inaction of most people. Sometimes it is difficult to know for sure why we do some of the things that we do ourselves. So, what are we to think of the eternal question of why?

There might not be an answer to our questions, but that doesn’t mean that we should stop asking. As long as we are still asking, at least we can rest assured that our internal compass is still working…that our capacity to feel is still there. As painful as it can be sometimes to look upon and experience all of the difficult things which happen and the emotions that go with all of it, the alternatives aren’t so hot as far as I am concerned.

We can either continue to question and feel, become numb and lose our compassion, or worst of all we could decide to “get even” by doing to others what we have had done to us. As much as it has plagued me to have so few answers, when I think about the alternatives to wondering…

Wondering why doesn’t seem so bad after all.

11 Things…

I just finished reading the latest post on a blog I’ve been following for a while. The post over at Rainbow Hues today gave Kajal’s answers to the “11 Things Which Every Woman Should Write Down Before The Year Ends”  from the Oprah website. I loved reading her post and so…I’m going to follow her lead.

1. What younger you would like about present you: 

That I’m finally getting the courage to follow my own path instead of allowing others to dictate it to me. Younger me used to sit on the bed with her back to the corner and cry, wondering why there was apparently something so wrong with her that her every move seemed to displease those she wanted to please the most. This might sound hardcore, but present me has learned not to give a damn about the approval of others. Opinions are welcomed but approval is completely superfluous.

2. The watched/read it list

I have been watching more TV than normal lately and have been a tad better about watching a few movies. It isn’t that I dislike movies, it’s just not easy for me to sit still and focus on something for that long unless it’s really good. Not long ago I re-watched “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, a few Tinkerbell movies (I know lol), also re-watched “Zeitgeist”, a few scary movies, and episodes of “Ghost Whisperer”, “Medium”, “Big Bang Theory”, and the original “Law & Order”. I’ve watched some other things too, but the list escapes me. I can remember watching a few movies that made me cry but don’t ask me to name them.  As for reading…wow the list is way too long to even try to place here. I’ve been reading a lot of light fiction at night before sleep. During the day and evenings I’ve been reading some spiritual stuff, poetry, and articles about art.

3. The mistake you never want to make 

Okay, I have two. This would be better worded as the mistakes that I never want to re-make. Way too many times in my life I have given my heart…completely wide open…to people who have exploited and abused it, and not just romantically. It isn’t that I no longer wish to give my heart. I just need to be more selective on whom I open it to. I also no longer wish to allow fear to keep me from pursuing my dreams. These two things are the two biggest mistakes I’ve already made and would not like to repeat.

4. Your ideal outfit

I have two here too. The first one is completely serious, the second is for fun but I honestly do like it and would wear it…though maybe a different color or less pink. A little pink goes a long way in my book.

Scarf outfit

NERD

5. A deep, dark–shh–secret

I don’t keep many secrets, but here is one which I might not have ever shared publicly. I have often had the desire to just disappear and let very, very few people know where I am…to just start over…to leave the past behind.

6. The most unexpected compliment you ever got

This is a tough one to answer without feeling as though one is bragging, which I truly dislike. One of the most difficult instructors I had in college was the woman who taught a some of the science courses…anatomy/physiology and microbiology to name a few. Well, I remember one day in class she was showing some slides and randomly choosing people to identify the type of cell we were looking at. Well, she pulled up this one and called me. This was my answer, “I have no idea what the hell I’m looking at there. This slide is a mess”, which elicited titters all around. She then asked if anyone else could identify it and no one could. She turned back to me and named the cell which I can’t remember now, but I said, “Wow, there’s no way that this is ______. The wall is completely wrong. I can see the markers in the center but the wall makes identification difficult for someone still learning this stuff. This is either a diseased cell or someone compromised the slide”. She asked me to stay after and I thought I was in deep shit. To my surprise she told me that she had always been impressed by my ‘brilliant mind’ and begged me to change my major. She told me that she felt that I was wasting my talents by sticking with what I had chosen. It blew my socks off to get such high praise from her!

7. That one quote

This quote is one which I try to be mindful of. It can change my frame of mind when I’m having one of those days where you just want to slap the hell out of someone.

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not. ~Samuel Johnson

8. The best surprise you’ve ever had

Believe it or not, I have to give credit to my ex-husband here. One weekend morning, he asked me to get dressed but to get back into bed. He said that he wanted to make breakfast. Who would turn down such a rarity? So I did. A little while later he comes in and tells me to get my purse, so I jokingly asked him if he had burned our breakfast and followed him out the front door. He had rented a convertible sports car for the day and we drove up the coast to our favorite little town. It was an amazing day…wind in our hair…sunshine…it was lovely.

9. Your true happiness

My true happiness is found walking hand in hand with someone I love…wandering aimlessly through galleries, book stores, coffee houses, pubs, swimming in the ocean, walking in the forest…just soaking it all in. Finding things to giggle about…sharing private jokes and stolen kisses. Romance…truly makes me happy…nurtures my creativity…makes the world go round. This could also go into the deep, dark secret category…no secret that I’m a person who loves to create things…words, images, garments, etc…but what not many know is that I reach the height of inspiration when embroiled in romance. Probably not such a rare thing…I can’t speak for others…but it definitely makes me tick.

10. Your favorite failure

Not finishing my degree in nursing. As much as I love assisting others, I know that I wouldn’t have found bliss doing that for a living…I had even been thinking about going into pre-med. Since I’m admitting things here I may as well admit that I never finished a degree in anything…at least not yet. Back to my favorite failure…I was coming into the home stretch of the program when my mother had a massive heart attack right in front of me, and died. There was nothing that I could have done to save her. What made it so difficult is that we were working on the cardiovascular system at the time and it was too raw…too painful. I tried returning to class but could not. I was quite upset and felt like a failure for some time afterward, but I realized later that it had truly never been my dream. I’m still working on that part but am glad that I walked away from that.

11. An amendment to the bucket list

I’d like to cross off working with a crystal ball and add falling madly in love with the perfect man for me. I’m not looking to get married again. Not all the way opposed to it, but honestly do not find it necessary. I’m waiting for that guy…the one who makes the room light up and my heartbeat quicken…the one to wander aimlessly with…the one who can take care of business but also knows how to dance under the stars by the sea. Who knows if he’ll come around…but I’ve got other things on the bucket list to work on while I’m waiting to find out.

If you made it all the way through this post…thank you so much. I know that it was a long one. If you haven’t taken any time to do something like this today, I would like to encourage you to do so. Introspection such as this on the cusp of a new year helps to set the stage and find focus. You won’t regret taking the time…I sure don’t.

To Censor Or Not To Censor…That Is The Question

There are times in every blogger’s life, well those of us with even a tiny smidgen of a conscience left, in which this question comes up. Anyone who has been with me in the blogging world for a while or knows me in real life knows that I do not hold back a lot when it comes to expressing myself. I have been candid…I have been irreverent…I have used bad language…at times I have been too open for the taste of some…the list goes on.

The line between sensitivity and censorship is quite narrow, and that’s the rub when it comes to blogging I suppose. Of course I wouldn’t want to go out of my way to hurt anyone. At the same time, I have to wonder…how much responsibility do I hold for the feelings of someone who makes the decision to come here and read?

There are many reasons why I blog. Some of those reasons are to share my writing and poetry, to share my artwork, to try to help others to get in better touch with themselves, to encourage self love and respect, to open discussions about topics which are important and relevant for our growth, to hopefully assist in opening minds and hearts, and sometimes I just feel like sharing parts of my life with all of you.  As candid as I normally am, there are times in which I find myself thinking about what I am about to share…wondering if it might rattle anyone’s cage.

Honestly, I do not wish to spend a lot of time having to think about what I choose to say or omit here. So, I will post what is in my heart and what is going on in my life. My promise to all of you is that I will never make a post with the express intention of hurting someone.That’s about as good of a promise that an imperfect human can make. Other than that though, this is my blog…this is my life…and I will write as I deem fit.

Please remember that it is always your choice to come here or not and also that what I write here shouldn’t be taken personally because none of it is about you…no matter who you are. It’s either about me or it is a generality. Why am I writing about this now? Every now and then it feels imperative that I make clear what my intentions are here. Also, it never hurts to take a stand for free expression.