Settling Into Just Being

Okay, so my best friend wrote a post yesterday that so inspired my post today that the very title was something that she said in what she wrote. She and I both have had a pretty difficult time of it in the last year or so. To say that there has been a lot of learning going on would be an understatement. Please do head on over and read her post if you wish. Now, I’ll get on with it.

So, the past year and a half for me was a breaking point. This is something which needed to happen because I’ve literally spent most of my life living old patterns and it became impossible to keep doing so and stay sane, and I mean that almost literally. It truly was a breaking point in my life. These are patterns which were created long, long ago. In childhood in fact. The hell of it has been that they were set so early that the real me has not really had much time to come out and play. The real me had been almost completely buried.

Sure, there have been glimpses of me here and there, but for the most part I’ve slid back into those ways of being and interacting in the world which were drilled into me as a means to stay safe. While that was never okay, it was at one time necessary for survival. After that necessary time had passed though, I was simply reacting to things which evoked those old responses and instead of standing tall in my own being, I would either put another person first to my own detriment, or I would have a fear trigger and simply squash myself into what I thought would keep the waters smooth. Well let me tell you, this never works.

Maybe for a while things felt calmer, but in the long run it wasn’t sustainable. Sometimes when we feel like we’re playing it safe, we are only prolonging the inevitable, and putting ourselves through unnecessary stress and pain. There is a lot of history which I could go into, but I won’t. Not because I’m not okay talking about it, but because this post is about the present and moving forward.

I have forgiven the past. I have forgiven the people who have caused me harm. I have made great progress in forgiving myself for the role which I played in letting some of those situations play out. Granted, my heart was always in the right place, but there have been many times in which it was very misguided. I’m at a place in which I no longer feel the need or desire to think or talk about the past, unless it’s necessary for some reason. I’ve come to terms with what the past was, and have reached the point of breaking the patterns.

This isn’t to say that my work is done. In some respects I’m only getting truly started, but it feels so good. This is where the words settling into just being come into play. I’ve realized that I truly like who I am at my core, and I really like who I am becoming. A large part of doing this work has been simply allowing myself to settle into being. Learning to live in the present, not in the past and not in the future, is strangely liberating.

Sure, I’ve read about being in the present and it sounded good but I had never really tried to put it into practice before. I had some mistaken ideas about what it meant exactly. It doesn’t mean that the past is erased, it is more of a reminding myself that when parts of the past rear their ugly heads that I am not longer in that place, and that those feelings and memories have no power over me. It doesn’t mean that I can’t make plans for the future. It is simply a loosening of the expectations of how things will work and not trying to plan all of the minute details.

The deeper I go into this space, the less I find myself wishing for anything else. This very moment is a pretty good place to be. More and more, I actually remember to stop and ask myself if there’s anything that I can do about any given thing in this moment, and if there isn’t, it becomes easier to release it and just be. If though, there is something that I can do about something, I find myself being able to break it down even further into what I can do about it right now and to be okay with leaving the rest for when it’s appropriate.

While the deep trauma work which I’ve chosen to undertake isn’t for the faint of heart, there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. To finally be saying goodbye to the triggers, fears, and anxiety is the most awesome feeling. Lots of things have fallen away, and some of those losses have been harder than others. I have to admit though, that every last one of them has needed to happen. I’m looking forward to what is to come, more so than ever. This feels a little bit odd to say because everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING in me has shifted, so my exact direction is not exactly clear. In the past, this would have scared the hell out of me. Now though it feels perfect, because I am starting with a clean slate and I’m not following someone else’s map…I’m drawing my own.

 

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Celtic New Year ~ Word of the Year

Samhain has arrived again, which for me among other things, means that it is time to choose my word for the upcoming year. I’ve been doing this now for several years and it is something that I have grown to look forward to. I not only look forward to choosing a word for the year ahead, I also enjoy reflecting on the year just past to see how the word for that year influenced my life.

My word for this past year was listen, and let me tell you, it was a perfect year for listening. I spent all of 2016 learning to and giving myself permission to tune in and listen to the subtle whispers of my soul…listening for the hints, subtle and not so subtle which we all have pouring in that point us in the direction that’s in our best interest. The secret is tuning into the signal, much like tuning in to the right station on a radio or TV in order to listen to our favorite music or watch a good show or movie.

As I move through any given year, I consciously stop to remind myself of what my word is and ask myself how I can best align with it as I go through my days. In this past year, the act of listening has opened up so much for me. So many of the barriers and limiting beliefs have been dissolved or are at least well on their way to being dissolved. This has allowed me to release what needed to be released, move more comfortably into my own skin…my true callings…and contented, peaceful, enthusiasm at a more rapid rate and more comfortably than ever before. No, it wasn’t all easy, but somehow it was just different from in the past.

The act of listening has become such an ingrained part of me over this last year, that I’ll be happily carrying it forward from here on. Now, to move on to the year ahead. The act of listening to and acting on all of the whispers and hints which poured in has put in me very positive situations and set the stage for the real magic to continue. So my word for this year is…

Live!

For many years now, I’ve been doing much inner work, reflection, and what I like to think of as rewiring. Now, I’m ready to go much more external and live fully. This isn’t to say that I feel as though I’m fully hatched because really, none of us ever are. There are always more things to learn, it’s always a good idea to keep checking the gauges of our lives to see where we stand from time to time, and it’s definitely a good idea to maintain practices in our daily lives which keep us spiritually nourished.

With all of that being said, the time is right for me to take all of the knowledge and changes which I’ve worked on over the past several years and run with them. I feel an enthusiasm for life which hasn’t existed in me for a very long time. It isn’t that I’ve been going around in a total fog, it’s just that this enthusiam which I feel now was not nearly as intense in the past and admittedly at times it was at such a low level as to be practically indiscernable.

Going forth into this year, I’ll be giving myself permission to move beyond the old fears and mental limitations which were largely released last year and really step it up and live all of the things that I’ve been working on and dreaming of. Doors have been opening up and I’m finally ready to walk through them. This feels like a time of action…of movement, and I’m excited to see where the road leads.

Do you have a theme or word which you’ll be focusing on this year? If so, I’d love to hear about it!