Word Of The Year For 2018

I would have normally had my word for the year chosen long before now. This year though has been so full of ups and downs that it had completely slipped my mind until my best friend mentioned it a few weeks ago. Ever since then, I’ve been digging deep to think of what I’d like to choose as my word for next year (which is rapidly approaching).

2017 has been a rough one, and I’m pretty glad to see it going. To be fair, I’ve learned a lot about life and myself this year, but I have to say that it could have been a lot gentler.  I’ve had an ass kicking of epic proportions! Who am I to question though? The way that the past several months have gone has been so extreme that I’ll likely be picking up some of the pieces for a while to come. However, I’ve always been willing to roll my sleeves up and work on whatever needs to be done and this time is no different in that aspect. The good thing about times like these is that the comeback always sees me stronger, and better than before.

So, without further adieu, my word for 2018 is “Trust”. For a while, the word confidence was in the running, but for where I am at this moment, trust is the better choice. Not only that, but I have come to believe that confidence is a part of trust. For if there is no trust in ourselves, in the richness of life, in the goodness of people in general, in love, and in the knowledge that we can always grow and achieve, that there can be no confidence.

I’ve spent the past several weeks in a state of suspension, and have reminded myself on a daily basis to trust that everything would level out and that I’ll be up and creating again before I know it. For a little while, I tried to push myself to get back into the swing of things and found that I simply wasn’t ready. So, instead of making matters worse than they already were, I learned to be still…be with myself…even be depressed…all so that I could practice trust in the process of my own renewal.

There will be some changes coming in 2018, both here and in my life behind the scenes. My art will be making a comeback, only it will be more of a throwback as I’m finding myself inspired to revisit some art forms which have been dormant for a few years. As I cleaned out my art supply area about a week ago, I was flipping through old sketch books and art journals, to discover that there were a few areas in which I was gaining proficiency. Not to mention…I remembered how much flipping fun it was working on those pieces. There will be more poetry to come as well, not only haiku.

As for the other things I have in store…well, we’ll all just have to wait and see them as they unfurl, myself included. I’m in the middle of a major revamp, but due to recent events, things are moving in baby steps. I’m okay with that…it feels good to take my time and flesh things out…to study…to plan. I will say that it’s definitely exciting and unlike anything I’ve ever offered before. How is it all going to look? I can’t honestly say, but…

I have trust! ❤

Here’s to new beginnings

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Mabon ~ Balance Between Light and Dark

It has been a while since I’ve written anything spiritual or to honor the cycles of life, so here I am. Mabon aka the Autumn equinox is a day in which there is a balance between light and dark. It is a day to look within and reflect on what we’ve accomplished over the previous months, and to examine whether there is anything in our lives which no longer fits. Before we turn inward over the Winter, it is the perfect time to give that last push toward what we wish to manifest.

I’ve always enjoyed this time of year a great deal, and this year things really kicked into high gear in my own life in terms of letting go and looking ahead. Just a few days ago, I was finally able to let go of a very toxic situation in my life after months of confusion and not honoring myself. The amount of relief that I felt, and the almost immediate shift toward embracing what makes me feel happy and fulfilled has been nothing short of drop dead gorgeous!

Over the past year, I entered into a situation which was in direct opposition to my deepest desires, what I stand for, and what I believe in. As the months wore on, I found that I was turning into someone barely recognizable to myself. Yet, I soldiered on and continued to wander through what rapidly turned into an emotional, mental, and spiritual wasteland. I pushed myself beyond my limits of acceptability in order to give someone the benefit of the doubt…and it cost me greatly (not gonna happen again). There’s no need to go into further detail because I’ve left all of that behind me.

Looking forward, not only can I see what I do not want, but I have more clarity about what I don’t. There will definitely be more caution about what I allow into my life, and I’m gaining a broader picture of the types of activities and things which suit who I am at my core. It feels so good to have the stress gone, and to be able to rebuild my life. To reclaim my life and power has been a feeling like no other. I’ll be working through the anger for some time, but that’s okay. Sometimes you just need to be pissed, sometimes anger is appropriate and can be used to bolster us as we learn how to thrive.

Throughout the day, I’ve spent a great deal of time envisioning my life as I wish it to be and in clearing out traces of the heavy energy which had gathered around me. Am I exhausted? You betcha! Is it worth it? Undoubtedly. Thankfully I have a month to heal and rest before seeing my best friend since the 5th grade in person for the first time in…well, a very long time. I’m diving more deeply into my art and working through more rounds of submission for my novel. I’ll be putting a lot more energy into my other work too…my writing, my coaching practice, my work in constructively helping others to embrace themselves…so many things.

Even though I’ve only been out of the situation for a few days, I’ve been very proactive…making contacts and gathering information. I am being a little tight lipped about some of my plans, because I have a lot to do over the upcoming months. As things continue to take shape, I’ll reveal more. For now though, I’ll say that things are about to get a lot more creative and busy around here. One other thing I’d like to share here today is that in November, I’ll possibly be adding a feline friend to my household. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but have held back on for various reasons. I may throw caution to the wind and allow myself the joy of having a cat again.

In closing, I’d like to encourage anyone reading this to reach for what you want in life. Don’t be afraid to truly live and actively seek your joy. In that process there may be some painful truths and releases which need to happen, but don’t we all owe it to ourselves to work toward the fullest realization of ourselves which we possibly can?

Happy Mabon everyone!

Love,

Tracy

 

 

 

Poetry ~ Not The Way I Dreamed

Waiting for the anger to kick in so that the pain can recede

Knowing the it will happen sooner or later, but it’s only been two days

Truly not wanting to feel this heartache, but not able to to drown it

No matter how hard I try or wish for it to be that easy

Simply won’t happen yet, and I know that it is as it must be

Begging for a mercy which simply doesn’t exist

There is no way to escape the pain of the loss of love

Of so many unspoken promises, no matter how strongly they were implied

Thinking of him with an entire different life, one which doesn’t include me

At least not in the way in which I had envisioned us being together….fuck, is this real?

Friends once more? I don’t know that I would have the strength for that

As much as I’d like to think that I could be capable of foregoing love

And falling back into friendship, no matter how small it may make me

My heart beats a staccato of hell no, of fuck that, of what the hell for

As much as I crave friendship in my relatively new city, desperation is not that deep.

 

 

Love Letter ~ Right Where You Are

Dear beautiful souls,

In this fast-paced world that we live in, many of us have gotten so accustomed to looking at life through the lens of time, instead of in the moment. From a young age we are taught to prepare for “someday”, “the future”, and to “look back at our mistakes”. While a little bit of planning and reflection are not bad things, always living or looking to the past and future make self acceptance and overall success and satisfaction difficult.

After all, if we are constantly looking at our perhaps less than ideal current conditions, blaming ourselves due to the past, it truly isn’t productive. At the same time, if we are always looking to the future for ways to improve our lives or our selves, that isn’t productive either.

There’s a lot to be said for this very moment, right here, right now. When we retrain ourselves or deepen our awareness and appreciation for what is in front of us at any given moment, a brilliant thing happens. All of that stress we’ve been carrying around like a monkey on our back because we’ve been looking back at all of our mistakes? Gone. The anxiety we feel about not only how we’re going to get from point a to point b, but if we’re even capable of achieving it? Gone.

Being present in the now is one of the biggest gifts which we can give to ourselves. You see, when you take away the shame and blame of the past and the fear about the future, what you’re left with is an increased appreciation for yourself, your life, and what is around you. It opens the doors to ever increasing self love, clarity, and relaxation. It’s so much easier to find solutions to things when we are focused on the present moment, as opposed to trying to figure out every possible outcome or fork in the road or comparing to the past.

Please, give yourself permission to release yourself from the chains of time. Be here, now. Taking off the filters of someday and yesterday is like turning on the windshield wipers when it’s pouring rain…everything clears right up. What we did or didn’t do in the past is just that…past. What might happen next year if x,y, or z does or doesn’t happen is just a maybe.

The one piece in time which we always have some control over is now. Learning to live in the now takes practice, just like any new skill. No matter what your path in life, there’s a lot to be learned about being in the now from Zen Buddhism. So, if you find yourself looking for tips and advice on living in the moment try looking at a few Zen websites or checking out a book or two (just so you know, I’m not a Buddhist, I just have a deep appreciation for the philosophy). Making our way into the present is making our way to a beautiful, calmer, more joyful life, which is my wish for each and every one of us.

With love and wishes for ever growing peace and happiness,

Tracy ❤

 

 

Sometimes There Is No Point

The typical Monday here usually consists of a post in which I write about a particular issue with the aim of making a point or to attempt to induce a positive way of thought about whatever the topic is. Well, sometimes there simply is no point to make. Most of the time, when I force a point into existence it feels…well…forced.

So for today, I’m going to let the notion of making a point go and just talk about my life a little. Lately, much to my pleasure, I can honestly say that things have been really good. For the past few months, I’ve been experimenting with some lifestyle changes in order to get my health on a better track. While I’m still working some kinks out, I feel as though I’m getting closer to finding the right balance with nutrition and exercise.

The greatest pleasure I’ve had in recent weeks has been the amazing people that I’m fortunate enough to consider friends and family. Many of my close friends live too far away to visit in person, but I get so much joy out of my chats with them on the phone or on Skype. Some of us do not get many opportunities to talk real often because we’re all busy, but when the relationship is deep and true, I’ve found that two people can go for extended periods of time without speaking and just pick right up with no awkwardness at all.

Not long ago, I went through another round of releasing what (and who) no longer fits and it has felt amazing. To be able to just let go, with no resentment, and especially for me, no guilt, is such a great experience. I’ve noticed that since I’ve set myself free from feelings of obligation to others who do not resonate with me that the way has been cleared for much richer relationship experiences. It has been liberating to surround myself with the people who I can just be myself with…people who I can talk about all kinds of stuff with, no matter how off the wall or geeky.

I’ve been allowing my inner nerd to come out and play a lot more in recent weeks and as weird as it might sound, I had no idea how big a part of myself I had been suppressing until I had the opportunity to indulge in the kind of geekiness which I hadn’t fully indulged in for more years than I care to admit. It has been akin to releasing the kraken. It’s like stepping back in time to an era which makes me feel very much at ease, and honestly enthusiastic. I’ll invite you to step into my personal wayback machine to get an idea of the brand of dorky which I’m fondly recapturing.

I’m talking about stuff I used to do with friends back in the day, like discussing advances in science or about the natural world, seeing who could come up with the coolest program in BASIC to make the most elaborate moving images (told you it was way back), watching sci-fi, staying up late into the night theorizing ways of solving practical issues, or bouncing back and forth with plot lines for stories or stanzas of poetry. Yeah…that kind of nerdy. Honestly, I’m in heaven.

This part of me, which many hadn’t really known about before (with the exception of a few people who’ve known me for a long time) is one which I had pushed into the recesses of myself in order to fit in better with the people I’d been surrounded with for many years, with those few exceptions who were my saving grace. Silly I know, but something which most of us have done at some point or another. Now that the beast has been unleashed, she won’t be going back into her cage anytime in the near future.

For someone with nothing to say, I seem to have done a good job at rambling on. In closing, I just want to send out a big thank you to the people who make my world a better place. You definitely know who you are, because I’ve either talked to you on the phone, emailed you, Skype chatted with you, or hung out with you in person in the past week. I’m a lucky girl indeed to have such amazing people in my life.

 

 

Bonus Post ~ Letter To My Younger Self

Yesterday, Miriam’s Well published a letter to my you younger self that I had sent in response to a call for submissions. Many of us have wished that our present day selves could go and have a chat with our younger selves about life. Sitting down to write this letter was a very healing experience. I highly recommend that some of you give it a try sometime.

To read the letter, please click here. Sure I could post it here, but I’d really like Miriam’s Well to get the traffic for being so kind as to publish my letter. Feel free to come back here to comment. ❤

Dignity

For the purposes of this post, I am only using a few of the possible meanings of the title word of this post. To see the entire definition of the word, please click below: Dictionary.com

noun, plural dignities.
1.

bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.
2.

nobility or elevation of character; worthiness:

dignity of sentiments.

Dignity is one of those things which many of use do not give a whole lot of thought to for at least part of our lives. Either we do not think about it, or we hadn’t been taught the value of it. The hope is that at some point that we figure out how valuable it is, and how to restore it. We’ve all done things in our lives which may not have been in line with a sense of dignity. However, all things have the potential to lead us there.

The reason for that last line is that it would be very easy to feel so ashamed of things in the past that it feels as though we are not worthy of self-respect or a sense of dignity. Trust me, I get that. I also know that it is never too late. When we start putting the pieces of ourselves back together, all things are possible.

Perhaps we were taught or told as children that we weren’t worth much and we went through our lives believing this to one extent or another. That one is a tough nut to crack, yet with time and repetition, we can turn the volume of those ancient voices down or even hit the mute button. Once we realize that those negative messages were less about us and more about the person who planted them, it becomes simpler to let it all fade into the background. While working through all of that, it is key that we do not allow that realization to turn into anger, because that is not productive. Not only that, but we can turn it around and use those experiences to learn how to do better by ourselves and perhaps help others to do the same.

 Please try to remember that a desire to help others does not make their actions, or acceptance of the advice or example your responsibility. A few days ago, I read something to the effect of ‘caring is not the same as carrying’. I’m sure that it wasn’t worded exactly like that, and I do not remember where I read it, but the sentiment is one which automatically stuck with me.

Often, we can trace many of the things we’ve done of which we aren’t proud back to negative programming or events in our earlier years. This doesn’t give us a pass, but it does help us to understand the origins of our feelings and do something to avoid taking similar actions in the future. We should also be a little gentler on ourselves, or less harsh in our self judgements. Why? Because deeply holding onto guilt or shame over past actions or words does not propel us forward into reclaiming our dignity.

So how to we get to that place? Through a process of realizing the untruth in the old beliefs and messages which led to the loss or dimming of our dignity, and making a conscious decision to uncover who we really are. There may be things we’ve done for which there will always be a sense of shame. This doesn’t mean that there is no redemption, or that we are not worthy of having a better life.  Even though we cannot undo or unsay things, we can absolutely give ourselves permission to rise above them from here on out.