It’s All In The Small Things

Life has remained difficult, and I have remained uninspired. Or have I? Every now and then, I take a break from wondering why I’m not doing more, or where my fucking mojo has gone, to think about what is really going on behind the scenes of my life.

The truth is that my life is at a very interesting point. Yes, there are small remnants of trials through which I’ve already walked, some which are long-term but manageable, and another in which there is simply no way around, only through. Even though there are difficult things going on, I have hope and belief in the alchemy of fresh starts.

So, things have been really hard for a while and I’m very much still in the process of healing from it all, and finding my footing. There are times when I feel as though I’m not making any progress. Then, I remember where I really am:

  • On the other side of some really hard shit, which means that I made it (through those parts)!
  • In a pretty empty space, which means that I cleared the decks of what no longer worked.
  • Totally free to do what is good for me, giving myself the power to decide.
  • Not able to do much due to a few badly broken toes, which is a chance to reflect.
  • One day shy of a week as a non-smoker, which is HARD but wonderful.
  • Savoring moments of joy spent with loved ones who really get me.
  • Taking on the work of healing emotionally and spiritually, and it’s a (hard) blessing.
  • Knowing that there is nothing I can do sometimes, but be present, and learn to accept what is, no matter how much I wish I could change it. There’s power in this.

When I stop and think of this in-between space that I’m in, and I mean really think of it, a blank slate is something I’ve always wanted. Having a few years of extended illness and lots of other stuff which won’t be mentioned, because it has been converted from the status of “shattering experience” to “wonderful lesson”, has given me the tremendous gift of self discovery. For some reason, I thought that a blank slate would be like hitting an easy button, and life would just be easier and smoother, just like that. Haha, the joke was on me!

It isn’t like that, and it’s okay. Moments like these are times of life altering discovery, which lead to a degree of clarity which is literally scary good. Why am I writing this post though? Because, sometimes we all need a reminder that the frightening in-between moments in life can hold the most power. These are the moments in which we learn who we are, what we want, what makes us happy, and what we need to let go of. It is in the letting go, and allowing the pause, that we create space to become. It’s where the magic lives.

If you too, find yourself in the in-between, remind yourself often that you’re in the most perfect space to create something wonderful…an empty canvas upon which you decide what to fill it with. It may feel scary or “wrong”, because we’ve been trained to believe that it is. Let’s call bullshit on societal expectations, and see the beauty and value of pausing to find ourselves again. It’s a process that cannot and should not be rushed.