Flash Fiction ~ Gag Me With A Spoon

Why did it always have to be the nerdiest of the nerds who asked her out? Okay so, she could admit that she was a little on the geeky side, but nothing like the endless stream of dweebs that she seemed to be attracting. She was in the debate club because her dad told her that it would give her good practice for the courtroom when she finally graduated law school and joined his firm.

She also liked being right, and the debate club gave her plenty of opportunities to show just how right she was about most everything. Why though, people assumed that she wanted to date guys from the math and science clubs was beyond her. In her opinion, she was a much better match for the guys on the rugby and football teams. They always went for the dumb, slutty girls though, and she’d sooner jump off a bridge than dumb herself down for a date.

So, here she sat on yet another Friday night keeping her couch warm while she watched Netflix. Unable to take it anymore, she went to her room and got dressed up, determined to go to her favorite club and pick up a guy. She walked up to the bar, on thin high heels, and swung her long legs up onto a stool next to a hot guy. Wearing her one short skirt and low cut shirt, she felt bold and started talking to the man next to her.

This guy was on the rugby team and his body showed it. He smiled at her and offered to pay for her drink. Giving him a big smile, she accepted. As they continued to talk, she couldn’t believe her luck. He seemed interested. Finally though, a tall blonde slinked up to him, throwing her arms around his neck and planting a kiss on him that should have come with a warning label.

Admittedly confused, she was stunned as he introduced her to his girlfriend, who barely acknowledged her. Seeing the look on her face, he told her that he had been thinking that his buddy would like to meet a cool girl like her. Barely unable to contain her excitement, she agreed to meet him. Excusing himself, the guy went outside where it was quiet to call his friend.

When he came back, he explained that his friend didn’t like bars and asked if she’d consider going to his apartment for a cup of coffee. Against her better judgement, she took the address and made her way there. When she knocked on the door, a deep voice from inside called for her to let herself in. Thinking that he needed a few more minutes to get ready, she let herself in and said hello before sitting on the couch.

After a few moments, a door opened and out walked one of the guys from the debate team, who was also in the math club. She was beyond pissed. He sat next to her and told her how long he’d been waiting to get to know her better. He’d asked her out several times, and she’d said no each time. What was with this guy? She asked how she knew the guy from the bar, and he explained that he tutored him. She was trying to think of a way to get out of this gracefully when he stood up and asked her to follow him into the kitchen for coffee.

Watching him as he got the coffee ready she noted how thin and pale he was. Not only that, but his clothing had cheap written all over it. She snapped out of her reverie as he handed her a mug. He smiled at her and told her how beautiful she was. “I promise you that I’m going to make you feel special.”

Was he serious? “Get out of here. How many times do I have to tell you no before you finally get it? I’m not interested.”

He grabbed her arm. She was surprised at how strong he was. Pulling her in for a kiss, he made brief contact before she pushed him away from her. Indignation spread through her like a wildfire. Before she could get a word out, he was grabbing at her again, telling her what he wanted to do with her.

“Gag me with a spoon.”, she said. “You’re gross. I wouldn’t let you touch me with a ten foot pole.”

“As you wish.”, he said as he opened the silverware drawer. Grabbing her again, he took hold of her hair.

The last thing she saw was a shiny spoon, heading toward her face.

Short Fiction…On The Run

Even though she knew that what she was about to do was wrong, Lara just couldn’t seem to control herself. She had worked too hard over the years to build her reputation as the world’s most popular plus sized model to sit back and let those jerks in the high fashion magazines tear it apart. In her living room, she sat on the couch reading countless headlines mocking the way she looked and calling her names. One of them even went so far as to put the caption, “moo” under her photo. She’d show them!

With her list of targets and what they had said about her in hand, Lara got to work. After everything was in place, she set the plan in motion. Night one of her plan was the most mild. One of them had said that her dresses were big enough to be duvets and pondered whether they were down filled. At 2am, she broke into their offices posing as a cleaning lady. In every room, she dumped piles and piles of goose feathers. They were strewn on the floors, on top of the desks…they were everywhere. When her work was complete, she muttered, “duvet this”, with one middle finger jabbed up into the air, and headed home with a smile on her face.

Night two was reserved for the magazine which had said that in their opinion “plus sized models were big fat zeros” who would never have a place in their publication . She’d show them what it felt like to be reduced to nothing.She had learned that there was no staff in the building at night. Not even security. At midnight, dressed in men’s coveralls, she pulled around to the loading dock at the rear of the building and backed up to the bay to which she had earlier jimmied open the door. She and the men she hired went up, and using the service elevator, emptied out each office. When they were through, there wasn’t a scrap of anything left. She dropped the men off, drove the truck to the river, and slid everything into the water.

The next day, the newspapers were buzzing. The headlines said that it seemed as though someone were targeting the offices of fashion magazines. Several magazines were interviewed. When asked if they knew why this had happened, the editors of the magazines said that they had no idea why anyone would do what had been done. The one who had captioned the word moo under her photo had gone so far as to say that it was preposterous that anyone would commit such heinous acts against institutions that brought so much beauty to the world. Lara giggled at that one and said, “Wait ’till the bitch sees what I’ve got planned for her”.

This last act of revenge had really taken some planning. She left early in the afternoon and drove to upstate New York, where she had purchased 10 cows from a farm. She picked up the loaded truck and paid the farmer. She arranged for him to come to the city the following afternoon to pick the cows back up. When he told her that he wasn’t giving her any of her money back she laughed. “No sir, I’m not asking you to. I have doubled your payment to include a fee for the pickup and transportation of the cows back to your farm”. When she asked that he keep her name, which he knew to be Bob Jenkins, confidential, he indicated that he found the arrangement odd, but agreed. Once the deal was struck, she tipped her ball cap, hitched up her jeans, and spit on the ground narrowly missing her work boot.

She made her way back to the city in darkness and wound her way through the quiet streets to the loading dock of her least favorite magazine. This building had security, and they met her at the door. She told them that the magazine was doing a shoot tomorrow which required livestock. They looked at her suspiciously, and told her that she’d have to wait while they made a call. Since it was cold outside, she told them that she’d wait in the cab of the truck.

Inside the cab of the truck, a burner cell phone rang and she answered, making her voice sound as though she had been awakened. “Yes, yes, let them make the delivery. This is a special campaign and no one is to enter that office suite except the delivery person. There is some very proprietary material in there, so you keep your men out of there. Do you understand me?”, she barked into the phone. It paid to have friends in low places. The head of security agreed, and walked up to the truck to tap on the window.

“It’s okay for you to go in sir. Sorry for the delay”. Lara opened the door and proceeded to lead the cattle into the building three at a time. It took several hours to get them all upstairs and into the offices. She placed some small cameras in the office to which she’d have remote access, because she simply had to see the reactions. When she got out of there it was almost five in the morning. She had made sure to leave every door to every office open, in order to give the cattle free reign.

When she got home, she made a big pot of coffee and sat watching the camera feed. Those cows were chewing up papers and crapping all over the place. It was great! The queen bitch made her way into the office around 8:30. Her shrieks were so loud that Lara had to turn the volume of her speakers down. Upon witnessing the woman stepping into a nice big cow pie in her $500 shoes, she howled in delight. The next few hours were highly entertaining. When all of the cows had been cleared out, Lara finally went to bed.

The next day, the news media was abuzz. They were covering the stories of Lara’s revenge like crazy. Then, the tide turned. The editor of the “moo” magazine had named her as a suspect, and because of the amount of damage that had been done at the three offices the case was turned over to the FBI. “The perpetrator of these vicious attacks will be brought to justice”, were the words of the agent who had just been interviewed.

She threw a few things in an overnight bag, went to a hotel, and was in full panic mode when her phone rang the next morning. Looking at the caller ID, she saw that one of her best friends was calling. Before she could even say hello her friend said, “Hi sweets. I think I know where you are and I’m on my way to get you. Do not answer the phone or your door until after I get there”.

“I thought you were doing that shoot in Italy”.

“Yes, well I saw the news and hopped a plane. I’ll be there in 15 minutes”.

The two women had met five years ago at a fashion expo in London. Her friend had been named one of the top 10 supermodels in the world last year, and had been in Italy doing a cover shoot for a European fashion magazine. Lara was curious to find out what her beautiful friend had up her sleeve.

After they got back to her apartment, they settled onto Lara’s buttery soft Italian leather sofa with a martini and her friend said, “I know that the cops will be here soon. I’m going to assume that you disguised yourself when you made your little house calls”. Lara nodded her head, indicating that she had. “Good”, her friend continued, “I have proof that you have been in Italy with me for the last four days and I’m prepared to show it to the police”.

The women sat there casually waiting for the authorities to arrive. The buzzer rang in the early evening. Lara opened the door and invited the two FBI agents inside. When they got into the living room, the younger agent’s eyes almost popped out of his head. “Oh wow! You’re…”, he stammered. Then he looked at Lara, before looking back at her friend. His face said it all. How could someone like her have a supermodel for a friend? Very unexpected.

“Yes”, said the long tall blonde, “I am”. ┬áIn her head she added the word, “jackass”.

Lara asked the agents how she could help them. When they asked her where she had been over the past several days, she told them that she had been in Italy with her friend. “Do you have any proof of that? One of the editors named you as a suspect, and I find the fact that she referred to you as a cow and that they had their offices filled with cows to be a mighty big coincidence”.

Lara’s friend jumped in then and told them that they should call the private airport to check the flight manifest and to call the resort in Italy to speak with the manager. “We just got back in this morning”.

The older agent said that they would be checking into the information and instructed Lara not to go anywhere until she was cleared as a suspect. She agreed to their request, and let the agents out. A few minutes later, Lara’s friend asked if she happened to have the cow video. “I’d love to see it before you have to destroy it”.

They sat and watched the video, laughing so hard that they cried. “Now that’s some funny bullshit right there kiddo”, said Lara’s friend. Her words set them off into another fit of laughter. Once they calmed down, Lara removed the flash drive and crushed it with the heel of her shoe before flushing the pieces down the toilet.