When Did This Happen?

Something hit me last night. It hit me so hard that I am surprised that I didn’t wake up with a hand print across my face. The realization which popped up, and that I’m really having a hard time dealing with today, is that somewhere along the way my inner child has been buried beneath layers of seriousness, sorrow, doubts, negative messages which I’ve allowed to seep in, and who knows what other kind of muck.

No, this isn’t me scolding myself over what I think that I should be doing. This is me saying that if I don’t get an infusion of fun into my life and soon, I know that it isn’t going to be good mentally, spiritually, or physically. Last night, sleep eluded me as I tossed and turned wondering what in the hell I was going to do to fix this.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty despondent and still confused about what I was going to do to remedy my situation. Well, this afternoon as I sat here finishing up something that I’ve been working on, the answer came. To be honest, right now I have no desire to get involved in group learning events…that’s more seriousness. It isn’t that I have lost my desire to learn. That will never happen. It’s just that what my heart needs at this does moment cannot be found within the walls of a class or serious on topic meetup group. I can study on my own. I’ve always excelled at that anyway. Not only that, but I can always do the group learning thing later if I choose to…it just isn’t my current priority.

Over the past few years, times have been tough and it has slowly taken a toll on me. I know that there are a lot of good things happening in my life too, and I am very grateful for all of that. Not to worry, my heart is still very much into my writing, doing readings and other spiritual work, and art. It’s just that I have lost my silliness. Between heartaches, heartbreaks, and perpetual worry about one thing or another I just don’t goof off anymore…and I’m tired of it.

Until not all that long ago, I was always the silly one…the one who would make everyone laugh and then run off giggling to get into more mischief. When I look at myself now…I see a person who feels and acts old. Screw that. I’m not! While I’m not sure yet exactly how I’m going to recapture this lost part of myself…I do know that I will stop at nothing in my quest to find her. I miss playing in the rain, jumping in puddles, feeling the surf on my toes, and blaring my music while the wind whips through my hair or I dance with a paintbrush in my hand. My wildness got tamed by too much tragedy and too many whispers of fear.

Yes, I understand that I allowed it to happen. In all fairness to myself though…I didn’t feel it sneaking up on me. Before I knew it I was living in a gloomy, gray world of going through the motions while life passed me by and I yearned wistfully for a spark. This is going to take a little time and I know it. I have to tell you though…this is work that I am looking forward to more than any other thing I’ve undertaken in quite some time. Relocating the sparkle in my eye is more important to me than finding the pot of gold at the end of the leprechaun’s rainbow.

Have any of you gone through a similar time in your own life? If so, what steps did you take to get back on track?





5 thoughts on “When Did This Happen?

  1. Whenever I feel stagnant I pick a day trip or something…just get out of the house and take pictures somewhere. Of course that hasn’t worked out real well this summer b/c of the weather, but a walk around the neighbourhood or down the Canal also works. Do you drive? Can you head into the mountains for a few hours? I hear that whole area is gorgeous. I just googled ‘things to do in asheville’ and OMG now I want to go!!!!!! Pisgah National Forest, an arboretum, botanical gardens, historical buildings……WOW! Get some ideas for your paintings and collage and stuff.

  2. I do understand what you are talking about Tracy, for me it was slightly different … I had gotten to a point where I didn’t like one thing; not one single thing, about myself. I started by working on my outside and then going inside. I tore into the darkest corners of my soul. I evaluated everything and proceeded to work on the things that truly needed worked on. I rebuilt myself from the ground up and now I do this intentionally on a regular basis. Keeping check on my self is something that is vital to me.

    These are just suggestions and I am no expert by any means but I suggest these things based on my journey and methods, and an open heart for nothing but the best for you! They may sound hard or harsh but you are doing the hard, inner, growth type work here. The greater the struggle the greater the growth if we absorb the lesson.

    I would say sit down with yourself and analyze exactly when your joy of spirit left. Honestly evaluate WHY you were ok to allow this (the devaluing of yourself in the fact that losing your joy was acceptable) in yourself and face anything in that answer, which needs faced, head on and with an open heart … address that issue and forgive yourself for it … I understand that this happened, you did not see it coming it just was all of a sudden, but those things do not happen without subconscious reasons.

    Analyze if it was certain situations, or if it was specific people, or if it was energies you were around, or if it was a lack of allowing self to matter, or even a combination of all of the above. If it was it may be time for an evaluation and potential culling of people, energies, attitudes and behaviors in your life as you are correct … You SHOULD live in joy and anything or anyone that causes you to devalue yourself in any way should be dealt with accordingly.

    Look for things on a daily basis that make you smile inside, no matter how small … a butterfly, a flower, a funny acting animal, a joke, whatever it is … and give thanks for that moment of joy. Make it a point to find and give thanks for those things.

    Make yourself do something that sounds like “it might be fun” even if it is only for 15 min a day … Start giving yourself permission to have fun again.

    Buy coloring books & crayons, or an etch a sketch, or maybe a Barbie doll … something that brought you joy in childhood, help yourself to connect with the inner little girl and embrace her.

    These are all just my suggestions, I hope something here may help and know that I will do anything I can to help you find and embrace your joy again my friend! Brightest of Blessings

    • Wow, thank you so much for this comment. So much of what you say makes sense. I know why I let it creep in…the reasons are clear in my head and trust me I am working my way through this layer of junk so that I do not have to repeat some of these lessons. I did play with paint today…that made my little inner child very happy. ❤

      • Oh I know you are working through it Tracy (((hugs))), and I know that it is hard inner work. I am happy for you that you know and recognize the underlying reasons, it makes it easier (albeit harder in the moment) to address or eradicate them. … That ^^^ sounds wrong with no tone of voice so I hope you hear it like we were just talking lol … I am so glad that you took time today to do something that makes you, and your inner child, happy. We all need to do more of that. It is not selfish to take a time out for us and our spirits, it is better for us, and therefor those around us in the long run.

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