Something hit me last night. It hit me so hard that I am surprised that I didn’t wake up with a hand print across my face. The realization which popped up, and that I’m really having a hard time dealing with today, is that somewhere along the way my inner child has been buried beneath layers of seriousness, sorrow, doubts, negative messages which I’ve allowed to seep in, and who knows what other kind of muck.
No, this isn’t me scolding myself over what I think that I should be doing. This is me saying that if I don’t get an infusion of fun into my life and soon, I know that it isn’t going to be good mentally, spiritually, or physically. Last night, sleep eluded me as I tossed and turned wondering what in the hell I was going to do to fix this.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty despondent and still confused about what I was going to do to remedy my situation. Well, this afternoon as I sat here finishing up something that I’ve been working on, the answer came. To be honest, right now I have no desire to get involved in group learning events…that’s more seriousness. It isn’t that I have lost my desire to learn. That will never happen. It’s just that what my heart needs at this does moment cannot be found within the walls of a class or serious on topic meetup group. I can study on my own. I’ve always excelled at that anyway. Not only that, but I can always do the group learning thing later if I choose to…it just isn’t my current priority.
Over the past few years, times have been tough and it has slowly taken a toll on me. I know that there are a lot of good things happening in my life too, and I am very grateful for all of that. Not to worry, my heart is still very much into my writing, doing readings and other spiritual work, and art. It’s just that I have lost my silliness. Between heartaches, heartbreaks, and perpetual worry about one thing or another I just don’t goof off anymore…and I’m tired of it.
Until not all that long ago, I was always the silly one…the one who would make everyone laugh and then run off giggling to get into more mischief. When I look at myself now…I see a person who feels and acts old. Screw that. I’m not! While I’m not sure yet exactly how I’m going to recapture this lost part of myself…I do know that I will stop at nothing in my quest to find her. I miss playing in the rain, jumping in puddles, feeling the surf on my toes, and blaring my music while the wind whips through my hair or I dance with a paintbrush in my hand. My wildness got tamed by too much tragedy and too many whispers of fear.
Yes, I understand that I allowed it to happen. In all fairness to myself though…I didn’t feel it sneaking up on me. Before I knew it I was living in a gloomy, gray world of going through the motions while life passed me by and I yearned wistfully for a spark. This is going to take a little time and I know it. I have to tell you though…this is work that I am looking forward to more than any other thing I’ve undertaken in quite some time. Relocating the sparkle in my eye is more important to me than finding the pot of gold at the end of the leprechaun’s rainbow.
Have any of you gone through a similar time in your own life? If so, what steps did you take to get back on track?