I find myself revisiting a lesson, making another circle on a well traveled spiral and digging deeper. This particular lesson is about letting go and being okay in the empty places left behind. The loss of my dad back in June has led me to dig deeper into what I wish for my life to look and feel like.
I have found myself looking at the things and people in my life realistically and deciding whether they still have a place there. There have been several things and people which I have chosen to let go of in the past few months. Let’s talk about the things first. I haven’t let go of goals and dreams. I have let go of the expectations that I held onto in regards to exactly how things should go, how I had to reach the goals I had set, and when I needed to do it by.
I’ve let go of making rigid demands of myself and then feeling guilty or paralyzed if I didn’t meet those demands. My father’s passing has reinforced the knowledge that life is fleeting…that there isn’t always a tomorrow…that priorities need to be examined to see if they should even be a priority…that time is of the essence and that we lose valuable time and space by keeping people and things in our lives which aren’t serving us in a positive way.
I used to wonder if I was ‘doing it right’. Now I wonder ‘does this feel right?’. I do visualizations even more than before. I am specific about what I would like to see there…just not on exactly how it is going to come about. My visualizations are now full of me doing things that I love, putting myself in an environment and surrounded by people that make my heart happy, and with feeling the joy and love which make life so beautiful.
We get so caught up in the how and when…and other minutiae…that we completely lose the spirit of our dreams. I realized that I had been doing this. The worries about the how and when had taken so much of my time and energy. I am making progress in learning how to live more intuitively, in the present moment, rather than trying to be such a planner. I’ve finally realized how much I was stressing myself out by looking too far into the past and seeing my perceived failures…and too far into the future to try to see exactly what steps I should take and how things ‘should’ look.
I finally understand that everything is right…right now…as long as I am listening to the voice within. Not the one that harps on me about everything…but the calmer, yet more enthusiastic one which tells me what I need at the very moment I am asking about. Sometimes I am guided to dive in and work. At other times I am guided to sit in the window and feel the breeze on my face or to put on my shoes and go for a walk. Instead of fighting against the sitting in the window or walking moments, I savor them…for inspiration is often found there…even if it isn’t apparent right away, and sometimes we just need to sit in the window with the breeze on our face for no other reason than our soul needs to do so. Sometimes we need to put on our shoes and walk because our soul and body need it.
Drifting away from some of the people in my life has been more challenging. As this is a pretty vulnerable time for me emotionally…seeing my already small circle get smaller has been very uncomfortable. I already have a big tendency toward introversion as it is, so there weren’t a lot of people in my life on a regular basis anyway. Now, there are a few less and this really bothered me for a while.
I saw the need though to let go of the relationships which I had outgrown, ones which were not a two way street, and ones which had either taken a turn for or always had been toxic. A few of the people I’ve needed to drift away from were ones who had been in my life for a very long time and these ones were difficult to let go of. What I am learning though is that in life we have to clear things out from time to time in order to make room for that which either furthers our lives in some way or fills a space with love, happiness, or mutual respect and concern.
I have no regrets for my past behaviors or relationships, because they were all valuable. Some of them only served as lessons in helping me to clear some of the blinders from my vision. Others filled my life with love and happiness for a time. I have no anger or remorse about any of it. I am thankful to each person and thing being released for what role they played in my life. I also have no desire to look back and question myself about these decisions. They were not made overnight, nor were they made lightly. They were made because I had to bring myself into a healthier place in order to keep growing.
How do you feel about letting go without regret?