Recent months have held more than a few ass kicking realizations. I had allowed my metaphorical house to get pretty dirty, and it was time to do a major cleaning, inside and out. Even though I find myself feeling exhausted all of the time, I’m making much more of an effort to do the things that need to be done. Part of what led me to where I am at this moment is some deep work that I’ve been doing to understand how and why certain events, relationships, and inner feelings have happened. I’m not going to lie. That part of the work was pretty rough. I won’t say that I am completely done, because I don’t believe that any of us truly are.
After all of those realizations, and there were a lot of them, I had a breakthrough. Now that I had processed so much and let go of so much…I needed to shift my focus into the present and start taking care of myself. I needed to move on. The process of understanding and allowing awareness had taken a toll. It was necessary, but let me tell you, it isn’t a place where one wants to linger. So, I am taking a major break from dealing with the past. Honestly I think that I understand more than enough to ‘get’ how I got to be where I was at. It was heavy stuff, I was worn out…or wrung out…but now had the power to liberate myself. About all I wish to do with the past from here on out is quick maintenance in those times that it rears its ugly head.
For a while I had been letting all of that muck sit there in a pile in the corner, not really wallowing in it, but not sweeping it out the door where it belongs either. So, a few days ago I got out the broom…make that shovel…and shoved it out. I had seen it, understood it, made sense of the impact of it. So, what the hell was it still doing sitting in my corner?
Through several powerful conversations with some of the most amazing women I know, I have found my spirit of determination again. I’ve been getting back into exercising…slowly. While I am in the midst of a horrible flare of CFS/ME…and it has been going on for a while…I know that I have to keep my body moving, as much as I can. About two months of almost complete inactivity have taken a huge toll. I do not like the way that I am feeling physically and I have to do something and so I am. I’m also getting back on track nutritionally.
Now, I don’t want you think that my life has been nothing but sheer drudgery and heavy stuff. So, here are some of the very good things I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been meditating daily and feeding my soul. I am writing almost every single day, and it feels great. The other day, I cracked out a blank canvas and started a new painting for the first time in ages, with candles burning and music in the air. I’ve been working with a few new people who needed some assistance, and these people are the type of people I’ve been looking for…people who want to do their own work…they just need a little compassion, someone to hear them, a touch of advice, and that’s it. The best part is…I haven’t charged them a penny. Sure I want to make money doing something, but I’ve discovered that for me…I do not want to put a price on this sort of thing.
This is a slow process, and the physical challenges that I’m dealing with are a little daunting right now. However, I am feeling better about who I am and where I’m headed than I have in a long time. I’m looking forward to continuing my program of self care, and to the work that I’m doing creatively as well as what I have in the works with not only a cool chick, but my best friend. If you click the link it will take you to the page where you can find all of her work…and let me tell you…this is one busy mama!
I also want to thank my dear sister Julie for walking on this journey with me…listening to me ramble…giving advice…and helping me to sort through sometimes difficult emotions, my fabulous friend Rosemary who inspires me every single day with her positive outlook, and the other wonderful people who touch my life with love and inspiration. This has been a rough little patch and I have a lot of work to do, but I feel ready and enthusiastic…because this is the work that is about building myself back up.
Is there any cleaning that you need to do?