The past few months have been among the most difficult and strange ones I’ve had in a long time. I would say ever had, but that wouldn’t be the case as there have been a few occasions which at least rival it, and possibly surpass it in terms of difficulty and strangeness.
I had just finished typing out this mega long post, and WordPress ate it…nope it isn’t in my drafts…that’ll teach me not to write my posts elsewhere first! The funny thing is that I was thinking that the thing was way too long anyway, so there you go. Okay, back to the post.
The major thing that was affecting me and my ability to handle all of the other shit that had floated downstream was a medication. My doctor had put me on Requip to help me to get my legs to stop moving around so that I could sleep at night. Well, I slept…but my mood slowly deteriorated over a few month time period to the point that I was seriously having to battle not to go and jump from the roof of my building. I have never wanted to end my life before. What caused me to put two and two together was that I was having other side effects and when I looked into those, I found that my depression and suicidal thoughts were possible with that medication. Thankfully, my doctor took me off of it a little over a week ago and I am feeling so much better.
Other things were going on during this same time. My sister was slowly feeling worse with heart symptoms, to the point that she was feeling as badly as she was last year. My father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and has gone through radiation and other treatments. My love life went from confusing to abysmal. The icing on the cake was that I was trying to figure out ways to improve my financial situation, only to keep hitting a dead end. It was a few months of pure suck.
Now that my mind is free from the effects of the drug, I am now focusing on things that I can actually do. I know that I can’t change the health of my loved ones, but I can enjoy the moments we have. I know that I can’t keep crying the same tears over the same relationship situation, but I can just live my life and dedicate myself to doing what is best for me.
I know that I can’t keep thinking that I am a loser because I can’t go back to work at a regular job, but I can devote myself to my writing and art. Some people might think that this is a pipe dream but you know what? Writing is something I’ve been passionate about since I was a young girl and then I got busy in what people like to call the real world. Now, due to an accident that wasn’t my fault, I am no longer able to function in the normal way in this ‘real world’. Why should I continue to berate myself and feel stuck? Now that I’ve discovered art, I’ve discovered a new passion. I am declaring these things, among others, my job.
In the midst of all that had been going on, I had also lost touch with myself spiritually. Well, I am happy to say that over the past few days, I’ve been working very hard in that area. I’ve done several things for the Summer solstice to get back in touch with my spirituality. I’ve done five Summer solstice journeys, which Pixie Campbell produced for last year’s solstice. Tomorrow I’ll do the final two. I’ve also done a collage and have made my first hand sewn book which I am making into a series of sketches and text…things which I am actively drawing in to my life right now. At least at the present moment, I do not think that I’ll be sharing any of those projects here because they are intensely personal. If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know.
My best friend reminded me in a recent post about the word for the year. Mine was fearless, and while I’ve been fearless about a great many things already this year, I’m ready to step it up. I’m no longer going to keep looking back at the past, in terms of what I used to be able to do. The time has come to fearlessly move forward with the things that I can. It’s time to put my talents and abilities to work for me. It’s time to be fearless in general and just start going for the things that matter to me…to truly build a life for myself…to stop waiting for others…to stop looking for approval. Not only am I back…I’m better and stronger than ever.