Every year around this time, I like to take a look at what I have learned, how I have grown, and where I want to go from here. This has been a time of tremendous growth, big discoveries, and last but not least…colossal mistakes. I wish to discuss each of these, one at a time.
Growth…I have learned to set boundaries, to be okay in saying no, to stand up for myself, to allow myself to explore both internally and externally, to realize once and for all that the things which took place in my life when I was a child were not my fault and that the responsibilities which I had tossed at me and accepted as my own along with their guilt were not mine to bear, and most importantly I have learned that I am worthy of receiving love…just because.
Discoveries…that I have a love of drawing and painting, that I am more interested in writing short fiction and poetry than I am in writing novels, I’ve figured out that spirituality and creativity are not two separate things, that I really would like to have a true and real romantic relationship in my life, and thankfully I’ve learned that emotions do return after years of being locked away.
Colossal mistakes…I have learned that going against your core values never ends well and that when we do go against them, we not only harm ourselves but usually wind up hurting others too, and that no amount of making excuses or pretending that you aren’t seeing what you really see will change a damned thing. I’ll never discuss this huge mistake here. All that I will say is that I completely regret it, and not only for my own sake. There is no excuse…so I won’t try to explain it away. I saw and heard what I wanted to…ignored what my heart, intuition, and common sense screamed at me…and it makes me feel sad that I was so…I don’t even know what to call it. All I can do is move forward with a firm resolve that this was a once in a lifetime mistake which will not be repeated. To resolve to be a better person…to be the person who I thought that I was…the person who I should have been in this situation…to never forget how shitty the entire experience felt.
It’s been a big year. One in which I have learned more about who I am, what I am about, and where I am headed than in any previous year. This is the year in which I’ve truly begun to move on from the paralysis of the past. My only wish is that I could take back the mistake…to have not been responsible for someone else’s pain. I know that I cannot change it now though. While I am working on forgiving myself, I always want to remember this feeling…so that none of it was in vain.