Another Sleepless Night

The three words comprising the title of today’s…tonight’s…whatever the hell it is’s (that doesn’t look right) post seem to have become the new norm. I figured that rather than try to pretend that I’ll be asleep soon if I just read a little more that I may as well just do a little writing. We all know (well, I did and now you do) that I’m going to be awake until at least two anyway, so why fight it. Why so little sleep? Because I have a lot going on in this sleep deprived mind of mine. Some of it good, some of it confused,  and just a little bit of…oh fuck it…thrown in for good measure.

I feel as though I’m getting close to figuring out how to reinvent the wheel which has become my life. For the past few years I’ve been thinking that there has to be a way to convert my talents into a living. We always hear how an instant can change a life, but until it hits us personally or at least someone close to us, it’s sort of hard to truly fathom the meaning of those words. After being in a serious car accident in 2005, I was forced to admit…three years after the fact…that the doctors were right and that I was no longer able to sustain my old career in the insurance/medical/legal field. No, I didn’t like what I did all that much in the first place but have to admit that the money was decent, no matter how soulless it was.

Then I went through a lightening round of meeting, marrying, and getting divorced during the same time period. The entire shebang lasted a whopping three years and four months. I’d like to blame it all on the pain medications after the accident but I can’t in good conscience remove myself from all responsibility. I was charmed, deceived, and mind screwed in rapid succession. I won’t go into all of the gory details (at this point in time), I’m mentioning it because it took me quite some time (read years) to get my bearings again after the dust settled. By the time I got out of there I was barely capable of thinking for myself, and to this day truly think that if I had stayed much longer that I might not have survived intact, or at all. 
My experience with the ex-nightmare was just another notch in my gnarly past of abuse, mistakes, perpetuation of thought patterns, etc. Pretty isn’t it? No pity please…put your little violins away! The point of this is that while it has taken me a very long time to work my way through the sordid past, that I have made it…better than intact. Unmarred? No. So flippin’ smart that I’m no longer capable of mistakes? Oh, if you only knew… I still make some real doozies, but at least now my doozies are for the most part intentional and with full understanding that I’m likely screwing up big time but have deemed it worth the risk/repercussions. What am I talking about then?
What I’m getting at is that I’ve really been thinking a lot about what to do with the rest of my life and have made a few observations. 
1. I’ve got a whole armada’s worth of stories to tell. The question is what mixture should be biographical as opposed to fictionalized. 
2. My experiences have given me a whole lot of insight as to how to get through some really hellish situations with sanity and dignity (mostly) intact. 
3. I  have a measure of artistic ability, which needs a lot of honing as I’ve only mostly toyed with it to date. 
4. There is also the matter of my spirituality and the measure of intuition among other things which I’ve been blessed with (yes I finally get that it is a blessing and not a curse).
So…what do I do with it all? I’ve been pouring a lot of internal work and thought into this and am ready to do a few things about said conclusions to start. 
1. I’ll be starting to tell some of those stories, in a dedicated way and not as a passing fancy. 
2. I’ve been having discussions with a few people, but one in particular person about collaboration in regards to coming up with some material which will eventually (hopefully) lead to in person workshops regarding coming to terms with yourself, your history, and not only not resigning, but thriving. 
3. To dedicate more time to exploring the creation of art. 
4. This is the tough one as I’m not entirely sure what all to do with the intuition etc. At this point in time, I’m sort of thinking that I can incorporate it into everything that I do and trust that I’ll know the right thing to do with it. 
It has taken me a while to sort out what direction I wish to go in, but now that I have with some degree of certainty, I’m ready to buckle down and make things happen. As for the rest of my life…who knows how things will work themselves out. The one thing that I am sure of is that things are never as simple as we would like for them to be, especially relationships, of all kinds, but especially those of the romantic variety. I’ve learned that definitions aren’t always possible. Okay, I lie…there is another thing that I am certain of. No matter how unsure I might be about a few situations, I am happier now than I’ve ever been and the reason for that is simple. 
I am finally good with who I am. I’ve seen through all of the bullshit, misconceptions, negative messages, and realize that my life is what I make of it…not what someone else has told me that I can or cannot do. It goes deeper than that though, into completely understanding that we are the masters of our own destiny. The only barriers we have are the ones which we construct for ourselves. I know more than most how difficult it can be to move past early events in our lives because they so deeply embed themselves into the fiber of our beings. This messy human journey we’re all a part of is complex to say the least, but I am thankful for the experiences…good and not so good…past, present,and future. Without each and every one of them, I would not be capable of the love, compassion, and understanding which I now possess. I wouldn’t trade it for the world! The best is yet to come. And now for some sleep…

19 thoughts on “Another Sleepless Night

  1. Hi Tracy .. that looks a good place to be – and those experiences, while awful, will hold you in good stead in the future.I'd go with the positive .. do your art .. and not dwell back too much … yet when you're ready tell your story with a positive mind ..Good luck with your ventures and I hope sleep – lots on the brain doesn't help that side of life!Cheers Hilary

  2. Great post Tracy. You should listen to Chumbawamba's 'Tubthumping' some time. I get knocked down but I get up again and they're never gonna keep me down! I've thought about writing down a lot of my stories too….but now that I'm back here and so many locals read my blog, I find myself holding back. Several years ago when I was first blogging I let it all hang out b/c there was no Facebook yet and the only readers I had were people I met on the blogosphere. I do know one thing though, every day I wake up with a grateful heart. It's been over 2 years since I've been back but that feeling of dodging a bullet hasn't worn off and I hope it never does.

  3. I can understand how all these thoughts can actually give you sleepless nights. My suggestion cool it for a while. Take a break in your head and start afresh. Once we start looking at things from far they start emerging clearer. Take a step back and then round off what you want to take on first. Then one at a time keep moving ahead- one step at a time. It will all fall into place. Take care sweetie! Good luck!

  4. Hi Hilary~ It is a very good place. I agree with you about the future. You know…the positive is definitely where I want to remain. My plan for telling my personal story is to wait for the time being and stick with writing fiction. I've had time to think since writing this last night and want to focus on creating artistically rather than reliving the past. Thank you for your lovely comment!Cheers πŸ™‚

  5. Hi JoJo…thanks! I love that song lol. I know what you mean about being careful in how much you say about things because of the feelings of others etc. It is definitely a consideration. Totally get you on the grateful heart and the feeling of dodging a bullet. Hope that neither of us ever lose our awareness of how fortunate we are now. Love this comment and your insight.

  6. Hi Karen~ I know! It seems like it's been ages. I've been thinking about you lately. Glad I didn't call though because I saw that you were at dance camp. We'll have to chat soon! Miss you too. πŸ™‚

  7. Hi Kajal! It is all falling into place quite well, but you are right that I need to take a mental breather. Today, I came up with a few plot ideas for some new fiction and will be focusing on that for a little while. This is a really good time in my life…just have to do as you said and decide what to take on first. Thank you so much for your input. Wise words! You take care too. πŸ™‚

  8. Being good with who you are is so important! And the world can make it so hard for us to KNOW that, but I think the sooner we learn to accept ourselves warts and all as they say, the sooner we start to find lasting peace. I still have that battle, like most of us, though I feel it is an essential battle to fight. And as for songs, I love the sentiment from Imagine Dragons : "I'm never changing who I am." Focusing on your Art will help heal you, I bet. πŸ™‚

  9. Hi Wendy! It is very important to be good with ourselves. Wow, you said a mouthful about it being hard to know that sometimes. Love it…warts and all. Yep, that's what I have finally learned and am so much happier this way. Hmm, going to have to listen to that song you mentioned. Love the name Imagine Dragons. Know what? Bet you're right. πŸ˜‰

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