Filling in the Gaps…Should We?

There are times in our lives in which we find gaping holes present where situations or people used to be. Many of us are usually in a mad rush to fill these gaps as quickly as possible…or even trying to fill them before they are even created. Though I’ve done it in the past, I’ve come to believe that some types of holes should be permitted to exist for a while. Namely, the ones left behind when relationships end. Not so much with the spaces which are held by our careers/sources of income. Those are usually wisest replaced before leaving the last behind if at all possible. So, let’s talk about the holes left behind after a relationship has ended.

It can be an unpleasant feeling to be all on your own again after being with someone for a while, even when you are the one who has ended a relationship. Really, we all know that the feeling sucks. You have had this person whom you loved in your life…and then you don’t. It can feel lonely to the point that you might even think about contacting them, despite the fact that the relationship ended for valid (hopefully) reasons. It’s difficult not having someone who plays such a large role in your life to talk to and spend time with any longer, which is why a lot of people try to fill that space as quickly as possible. 
I really do believe that doing so is usually a huge mistake. How could you be sure that you weren’t simply using the new person to avoid being alone…how could you possibly have time to work through any issues which may have arisen as a result of the recently ended relationship…how could you know for sure that you were ready to be involved with someone again? While there are rare instances in which you can go straight from one relationship into another and do fine with it, I truly think that we usually need some time in between to heal…to think…to feel…to mourn the loss…to cry. That way, when we do find a new one…hopefully one which will fulfill our desires and needs from a relationship…we will be fully open and ready for it. 
When we find ourselves in the midst of one of these difficult times, it can also be tempting to throw ourselves into activities to avoid our feelings. There is some wisdom in this if the feelings are too overwhelming…and if this is the case call a friend, get out of the house for a while, or find something to do to distract yourself for a while. If they aren’t too intense to handle though, it’s best to allow them to work their way through us. Sooner or later, they’ll have to be dealt with anyhow. It hurts, it’s hard, and at times it feels as though the heart will split in two. However, time will heal the pain of a breakup eventually, and hopefully there will be a relationship in the future which will BE the happy ending…some day. If you find yourself in this situation, know that you aren’t alone. There are many who are going through this right now, including myself. Let’s walk alone together for a little while shall we?

10 thoughts on “Filling in the Gaps…Should We?

  1. Very thoughtful post. I know a lot of people thought I was making a huge mistake getting involved w/ Russell and moving in w/ him after ending my 22 year marriage. People, esp my mom, kept saying, take some time for yourself before getting into a serious relationship. But what no one realized is that I was already alone. I had a roommate, not a husband. For years and years. I did everything alone. I am one of the rare cases you cite. Both Russell & I knew what we did and didn't want in a relationship and we spent the first 6 months before I moved talking and emailing honestly what we expected of each other. By the time we finally got together for good, on 6/24/11, we were already best friends and in lockstep. Not to say that we don't have disagreements from time to time, but we talk it through. I am very lucky. So's he. 😉

  2. Jeremy~ You're right that sometimes we walk around the holes. What comes to my mind when thinking of walking around them is total avoidance of the hole by continuing situations or relationships which we aren't happy with any longer. Stepping in…wow, there are a lot of scenarios which I can think of there. As for singing/humming. Why not both? 🙂

  3. Hi JoJo~ Thank you. You are one of the reasons that I threw the caveat there about the rare cases as I knew the story of how things played out between you and Russell. I am glad that the two of you found one another and as a result, happiness. 🙂

  4. Thank you Sistar! I do know that and am so thankful to have you in my life. We sure have shared loads of laughs and tears…and I know that there will be lots more. Lots of love right back. *HUGS*

  5. Tracy,I think that is so very wise. Difficult but wise. Loneliness can be so hard to face, but then again, I have heard it said that you can be lonely in the midst of people. Better to take time to figure out what you really want and need if you can. I agree.I remember a horrible break up many years ago, and crying every day and night. But I will say the next guy understood me, and the things that were wrong in the past relationship were not at issue, and in fact I married him. There are no guarantees with any relationship, I am sure, but I think knowing what you are looking for is a good way to go. I learned that late. 🙂

  6. Thanks Wendy~ It is very hard to face the blank spaces left behind. I do know what I want and need…the trick will be to find it. Not looking for perfection but there are certain things that a person can't compromise on. As far as you learning it late…better than never right? 🙂

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