Confession Time…I’m Struggling

Seeing as how the tags go at the bottom of the post, I’ll give you a heads up now that there will be adult language. This is one of those times in which I do not wish to nor do I care about censoring myself. So if bad language offends you, this might be a good time for you to skip today’s post with no hard feelings on either of our parts.

As I’ve made mention of in previous posts, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. and Fibromyalgia, as well spinal stenosis, disk herniations, and arthritis (due to an auto accident). While I do my best to be upbeat and positive at all times, there are times, and this is one of them in which I just fucking fail at it. I’ve been in a serious flare up for well over a week now and it isn’t showing much sign of letting up. My weekend and my Monday were spent in bed watching Netflix because I was too sick and exhausted to do anything else.

My mood started to become majorly impacted a few days ago. Yes, I’ve been feeling really depressed and isolated. As one can never tell for sure with CFS/M.E., the sore throats and fevers that go along with it are either directly related to it and not contagious or it’s something else. While I’m pretty certain that this instance is all CFS/M.E. I still try not to go around people more than necessary on the off chance that it isn’t and risk getting them sick. Between that and just being too wiped out and sick to go out much, a person can get really lonely at times. Luckily for me, this doesn’t happen too often because I’ve always needed a fair amount of time to myself anyway but when those feelings do hit, it sucks.

On top of this stuff, or maybe partly due to it…who knows…I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. When I first moved here I was out having a great time, meeting new people and getting more active. All of the activity might be at least partially to blame for my current state. Then again, it could have just been time for a flare up. I don’t know, but having to limit my life because it may or may not cause CFS/M.E. consequences pisses me off. It wasn’t so bad when I lived in a location that I hated but I truly love it here and want to partake in all that it has to offer.

This leads to the next item on my to bitch about list. Money…or lack thereof. My physical state has caused me to be in what is the lowest income bracket I’ve ever been in, and as much as I want it to change I am not feeling confident at the moment. This adds to the depression I’m feeling. It isn’t as though I aspire to be wealthy but I openly admit that I aim for better than it is right now. If there’s a way to figure it out, I’m sure that I will in time. This is just a low moment in which I’m letting things screw with my head. I haven’t even been able to write much lately, and writing is one of my hopes for changing my situation.

While I’m at it I may as well go all the way and spill everything that’s on my mind. I’ve been legally single now for almost five years and didn’t date at all for two years after the divorce was final. I needed time on my own to figure my life out and also to try to figure out why it was that I had made such horrible choices with men, even before my ex-husband. I will say that my background (in childhood) was not real conducive to knowing what healthy relationships of any sort are supposed to look like.

In addition to just not knowing if I’ll ever be healed enough to make wise romantic choices, at the moment I’m also feeling as though my health issues would be too much to deal with. I know that some of you are going to say that real love works through and around these things, and I agree, but when I’m feeling this badly I do think about the impact that my health would have on another person and wonder if it’s even fair to put someone through this shit. I guess I can make that decision at such time that Mr. Right becomes available to me or shows up or whatever.

I don’t want anyone to worry because I’m not ready to go dive off the roof…not even close. I’m just feeling very uncertain, a little depressed, and more than a little pissed off right now. Why am I sharing all of this here? Because it’s important to me that all of you know the whole me and not just the good bits. Yes, I’m pretty upbeat most of the time but there are times when my life feels like a steaming pile of dung and this is one of them. Knowing that we are all human and that we all struggle sometimes is important, because it lets us know that we aren’t alone. There are people out there, whom I like to call the fluff bunnies…and they portray that they are just these shiny, happy people all the time…to which I respectfully say…bullshit. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so respectful, but sometimes life is difficult and we can’t help but wallow in our misery for a little while. It’s okay as long as we don’t stay there too long…and I won’t. Here’s to being human!


31 thoughts on “Confession Time…I’m Struggling

  1. Hilary~ I appreciate your support…thank you so much. Things will get better, I'm sure. It's just a difficult time and I wanted to share all of myself with all of you. Reaching out and sharing with others, the good and the bad, is one of the keys to building communities of people who build one another up…at least that is what I think. I wanted to write this post so candidly in large part in order that someone reading it might feel a bit less alone in whatever struggle they may be going through. All the best to you too! šŸ™‚

  2. Awwwww Tracy….I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. Life always has ups and downs. When things are going well, you can count on the proverbial 'other shoe' to drop. Right now you need rest, peace and quiet. You have been go-go-go since you moved. There was packing and unpacking and setting up. You helped nurse your sister back to health, you've been exploring, drawing, writing, partaking in blog challenges and hosting company!!!!! I don't have health issues and even I'm feeling exhausted from all you've been up to. It's OK to pull back into your shell a little and take care of YOU. As for potential partners/mates, whoever you do find will love you for YOU. You are not defined by your health issues. Sweetie, we're all getting old(er)….none of us can push ourselves the way we did 20 years ago. There's nothing that says that b/c you have a boyfriend that you guys have to do stuff every weekend or all the time. There's something to be said for nesting at home.The financial thing sucks; lord knows I've been sick with worry when it's 5 days till rent's due and I don't have it, but somehow we manage to scrape it together. Does it suck being poor? Hell yeah. That said, you can try to sell some of your pics and poems. I bet there are lots of galleries in Asheville that'd be interested. If you haven't done a tarot reading for yourself lately, maybe you should consult the cards and see what they say? And I'm here for ya so if you wanna email me and vent, please do so anytime. Love you LOTS!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. This is one of my favorite blogs. I hope you don't mind, but I nominated you for two more awards (besides the Liebster I had already nominated you for). You don't have to accept them, but I hope they at least add some brightness to your day:I've nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award, as well as a Sunshine Award. For more details, please see my post about it.

  4. Tracy, I'm assuming if you didn't call, you don't want to talk, so I'm not going to call you. I'm here, when and if you need an ear. Just know you are loved and you are loved in the good times as well as the bad times. I am so sorry for this flare up and hope it passes very quickly.

  5. Tracy, I'm so sorry you're not in a good space. Pain is simply awful. Can this be brought under control? Cortisone? I had fibromyalgia a few years back and it was crippling so I can empathise. I was not well at all but cortisone helped enormously in terms of pain. It was a hell of a struggle and I often wonder what triggered it. I can think of a few triggers …I am sure you have done a huge amount of research on this and have seen a medical person?Can you juice beetroot carrot and apple and take this daily? It WILL come to an end but we can never say when. I wish I could help … you are in my thoughts.

  6. JoJo, wow. What a sweet comment. You're right about taking on too much right after I moved here. I knew that I was and was being warned that I was, but couldn't seem to make myself stop. Well, I'm not having that problem now! Also agree about not having to do something every weekend. Yes, I am aware of your financial struggle too and really hope that things improve for you. It's hard. Funny you should mention the tarot reading for myself. I had my hand on them evening before last and the phone rang and I forgot about it lol. Have I mentioned that I get distracted easily? Thanks for the reminder. I'll have to get the cards out very soon. Thank you so much for your friendship and support. I'll remember your offer to email. Hope you know that the street goes both ways. Love you lots too!

  7. Aww thanks Kristen! Of course I don't mind, I am flattered. Thank you for your kindness. I'll check out the post soon and hopefully be back around to your blog to more thoroughly catch up with what you're doing over there. I really love what you're doing too!

  8. Thank you Karen. I really appreciate that offer. Just so you know…you are very loved by me as well at all times…good and bad. I hope it passes quickly too!

  9. Hi Susan~ Thank you. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and will be talking to him about this flare. Since moving to another state this is my first flare that I've had with my new doctor so we'll see what he suggests. As for the juicing I'll have to look into it and see what I can do. Not opposed to it, just need to check into getting one. Thanks for the tip. I've written it down. Any certain ratios of each ingredient? I am so glad that yours has gone into a remission and hopefully it's permanent. I was diagnosed with CFS/ME twenty years ago and fibro about twelve. So, I'm hoping that mine will vanish soon lol. Thanks for being so sweet!

  10. Tracy,I'm sorry you're having to go through this right now. Fluff Bunnies. Yep. I like that. I think it's healthier to express what gets us down, when we're down. One of the things I like about what you write is the authenticity. And you can't really KNOW a person if all they show you is a sunny facade, I agree with you.I know we all get depressed sometimes. And I know it comes and goes. All I know to say is that I really hope something wonderful and unexpected happens to you to give you some of that hope. Good days seem to find their way back somehow. Take care of yourself. šŸ™‚

  11. I think many of the thoughts to you have been mentioned… I wish I had a happy answer, I am sticking to "jumping off"… there is always someone who can help, maybe just an open ear or written in word. Pain is a sucky thing, yes my big word "sucky"… scream it, share it. I hope you can find a viable solution, I could say it will get better… it will. Dammit when… we care and we hear you… I am a dude so I think I make sense, if not I say again… we care, we hear you. So no jumping unless it is a conclusion.jeremy

  12. Jeremy~ I will gladly use your big word…pain is majorly sucky! Yep, it will get better for sure. When? Your guess is as good as mine and I'm sure we are both hoping for sooner rather than later. I have known for a while and have overwhelmingly seen today that there are a lot of people who do care. I just hope that all of you know that I care about all of you just as much. No no no…there will be no jumping! šŸ™‚

  13. Well. This really sucks. A sucky job, finances, those all tend to iron themselves out but your flare ups.. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I live with my chemo pain daily and at times it's unbearable and I find myself in bed too. Nothing wrong with taking your time to heal. And as for Mr. Right. That has a way of ironing itself out too. šŸ˜‰ He will love you no matter what, health issues, 2 extra arms, a head on the back of your other head.. Oh wait, that's me.. šŸ˜‰ Wrap yourself in your love and spirit and take all the time you need. – Keeping you in my prayers Mz. T. – Hugs

  14. Here's hoping things get better! Medical issues always suck, especially if they isolate you for awhile. Chin up! This too shall pass. You've got people here to help should you need it.

  15. Thanks Tracy re: remission. Yours has been a long long time. What purpose is it serving? What is its function?I juice up a beetroot or two, an apple and a carrot or two. Skins (outer), pips (inner), the whole lot and drink immediately.Am sending you healing thoughts. Any thing that contains sugar creates an inflammatory response – supposedly – although I think there is some truth in this, as I have found this to be so sometimes as in chocolate and sweets for which I have a strong liking … bread too … Am now wondering about the carrots and apples and whether they contain sugar? I think they do … so perhaps a pause for a moment. Though this combination is supposed to be good. When I go on a drink in the a.m. of this on a regular basis I definitely feel better, skin looks better etc etc and it is for me a good way and discipline to start the day while being mindful of other stuff I eat. eg laying off the bread and butter … chocs etcHave you joined fibro-myalgia sites?Can you imagine the FM going into remission?

  16. lol MiMi, now you stop that. You're a gorgeous lady. Wish there was something that I could say or do to help with your chemo pain too. You know…what you said about things ironing themselves out…it's true about all of it. Thanks for being you MiMi and for the encouragement, prayers, and hugs. Sending the same right back to you. ā¤

  17. Susan, I truly am happy that yours is so much better. Thanks for giving me more info about how much of the fruits and veggies to use. I'll start looking for a juicer. As for what purpose mine might be serving and what its function might be…I'll have to think about that. Honestly I haven't. It's odd that I see these questions here from you though because I was just talking to a contact on the phone a while ago about some tai chi stuff and I mentioned to her that I felt that I needed to think about what it is that is keeping it hanging onto me for so long…is there a message in it for me…is it that I am holding onto something which is keeping me ill…or none of the above. Years ago I was on several sites and haven't visited for a few years. I've found over the past couple years that I'm just not able to keep up with the constant flow of information that's always coming in electronically through email, web searches, and blogs. Let alone all the books I've got stacking up to be read lol. Can I imagine it going into remission? Yes. You've given me a lot to consider and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. ā¤

  18. When I'm feeling like this (and you know I have), folks expressing sympathy rarely helps me, but a good laugh works a treat, so here's a joke for ya:Every morning, Mary goes out to her deck with her freshly brewed cuppa joe and compares her garden with her neighbor's. Not maliciously, or anything, she just likes to get ideas and whatnot. Anyway, one morning she notices how huge and lushly red the tomatoes in the garden next door look. Neighbor George steps out with his tea and, after they exchange greetings, Mary asks him, "So, what's the secret to growing such gorgeous tomatoes?""Well, you're gonna laugh," George says, "but I typically get up a couple hours before you do, you see. I do my yoga, have a shower and, before I get dressed, come out into the garden and expose myself to them. They get all embarrassed and turn red and swell up!"Mary laughs. "That's pretty unorthodox, George, but it might be worth a shot!"A couple of weeks go by and the neighbors keep missing each other. Then one Saturday, George runs into Mary at the market and asks after her tomatoes."Well, George, they're not doing very well," Mary admits. "But you should see my cucumbers!"Tee-hee. ;-)Hang in there, kid. ā¤Some Dark Romantic

  19. Mina…I do love you! I too am a fan of laughter when I'm feeling down. This joke is too funny. Cucumbers…ha! Hope you're doing a bit better these days. Also wondering how your writing is coming along. Hopefully all is well. šŸ™‚ Thanks for the laugh. ā¤

  20. Well, the only writing I've been up to is blog writing, as I'm focused on the business of prepping to self-publish this fall…it's a lot, but I'm happy to say that I'm making things happen in spite of my heartache. So yay, me! And yay, you! šŸ˜€

  21. *hug* I know very little about Fibromyalgia, but have known a few people with it. It seems to affect everyone to different extent, or are there different stages/levels and progressively gets worse? I've sometimes wondered if I have Chronic Fatigue. Are those ailments usually all associated together? If having one, is it more likely you may have the other? Sorry, I'm a bit ignorant. I avoid most all things medical related.I definitely don't mind when you speak bluntly and honestly. Like you said, it's important for people to know the whole you. Not placing on a mask and being a "fluff bunny" is good, but sometimes it's just a defense mechanism for many. Being vulnerable isn't easy.I agree when the right person comes along, it won't matter about the preexisting medical conditions. It's speaking honestly when voicing awareness of how it wouldn't be easy for many, and I'm sure many can relate. I do it to a lesser extent as well, which is associated with my lack of income (so I hear ya loud and clear there).Hopefully opening up and being raw has been therapeutic for you!Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink

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