Seeing as how the tags go at the bottom of the post, I’ll give you a heads up now that there will be adult language. This is one of those times in which I do not wish to nor do I care about censoring myself. So if bad language offends you, this might be a good time for you to skip today’s post with no hard feelings on either of our parts.
As I’ve made mention of in previous posts, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. and Fibromyalgia, as well spinal stenosis, disk herniations, and arthritis (due to an auto accident). While I do my best to be upbeat and positive at all times, there are times, and this is one of them in which I just fucking fail at it. I’ve been in a serious flare up for well over a week now and it isn’t showing much sign of letting up. My weekend and my Monday were spent in bed watching Netflix because I was too sick and exhausted to do anything else.
My mood started to become majorly impacted a few days ago. Yes, I’ve been feeling really depressed and isolated. As one can never tell for sure with CFS/M.E., the sore throats and fevers that go along with it are either directly related to it and not contagious or it’s something else. While I’m pretty certain that this instance is all CFS/M.E. I still try not to go around people more than necessary on the off chance that it isn’t and risk getting them sick. Between that and just being too wiped out and sick to go out much, a person can get really lonely at times. Luckily for me, this doesn’t happen too often because I’ve always needed a fair amount of time to myself anyway but when those feelings do hit, it sucks.
On top of this stuff, or maybe partly due to it…who knows…I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. When I first moved here I was out having a great time, meeting new people and getting more active. All of the activity might be at least partially to blame for my current state. Then again, it could have just been time for a flare up. I don’t know, but having to limit my life because it may or may not cause CFS/M.E. consequences pisses me off. It wasn’t so bad when I lived in a location that I hated but I truly love it here and want to partake in all that it has to offer.
This leads to the next item on my to bitch about list. Money…or lack thereof. My physical state has caused me to be in what is the lowest income bracket I’ve ever been in, and as much as I want it to change I am not feeling confident at the moment. This adds to the depression I’m feeling. It isn’t as though I aspire to be wealthy but I openly admit that I aim for better than it is right now. If there’s a way to figure it out, I’m sure that I will in time. This is just a low moment in which I’m letting things screw with my head. I haven’t even been able to write much lately, and writing is one of my hopes for changing my situation.
While I’m at it I may as well go all the way and spill everything that’s on my mind. I’ve been legally single now for almost five years and didn’t date at all for two years after the divorce was final. I needed time on my own to figure my life out and also to try to figure out why it was that I had made such horrible choices with men, even before my ex-husband. I will say that my background (in childhood) was not real conducive to knowing what healthy relationships of any sort are supposed to look like.
In addition to just not knowing if I’ll ever be healed enough to make wise romantic choices, at the moment I’m also feeling as though my health issues would be too much to deal with. I know that some of you are going to say that real love works through and around these things, and I agree, but when I’m feeling this badly I do think about the impact that my health would have on another person and wonder if it’s even fair to put someone through this shit. I guess I can make that decision at such time that Mr. Right becomes available to me or shows up or whatever.
I don’t want anyone to worry because I’m not ready to go dive off the roof…not even close. I’m just feeling very uncertain, a little depressed, and more than a little pissed off right now. Why am I sharing all of this here? Because it’s important to me that all of you know the whole me and not just the good bits. Yes, I’m pretty upbeat most of the time but there are times when my life feels like a steaming pile of dung and this is one of them. Knowing that we are all human and that we all struggle sometimes is important, because it lets us know that we aren’t alone. There are people out there, whom I like to call the fluff bunnies…and they portray that they are just these shiny, happy people all the time…to which I respectfully say…bullshit. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so respectful, but sometimes life is difficult and we can’t help but wallow in our misery for a little while. It’s okay as long as we don’t stay there too long…and I won’t. Here’s to being human!