Have you ever thought about or realized how we can deceive ourselves at such a deep level, that after a while we accept it as fact? I am in the midst of such a realization at this very moment. While I am not going to go into any detail about my particular situation, I can see how there can be many scenarios in which self deception can become an issue.
We have all been tossed around in the stormy seas of life and smashed into the rocks, sometimes multiple times with the same type of thing. When this happens we sometimes convince ourselves that we really do not want whatever it happens to be in our lives at all, that we just do not care about it. When levels of disappointment and fear reach a certain point, giving up feels like the path of least resistance…and for a while it can be. We keep telling ourselves over and over that we ‘never want to do that again’…and eventually we believe it.
Maybe we get tired of seeing rejection letters for our writing, not getting chosen for the spot in the band, receiving no call back after the audition, having the gallery tell us that our work isn’t what they are looking for, or we keep facing disappointment with relationships whether platonic or romantic. It starts out with feeling the pain of things not working out, and over time progresses to giving up altogether. Eventually it comes back to bite us in the ass and we painfully realize that we gave up on something which is dear to us.
It would be easy to play into the whole woe is me mentality right now…to beat myself up for wasting time. I’m allowing myself to feel what I need to feel for a little while, but I won’t be wallowing for long. Instead I am going make sure that I’m putting myself out there…and not letting fears and self deceptions rule me any longer. My last few posts were about taking chances and anticipation and it’s funny how everything has come full circle. It all happened in a round about way and while it doesn’t feel the best at the moment, I am thankful because I see a truth which I had been hiding from myself for years.
In addition to re-learning yet another thing that I really want in my life, I have also seen the importance of standing up in the face of fear and being honest with myself. Instead of telling myself that I do not care, I will be truthful from here on and allow myself to walk through the shadows sometimes. For a person who has prided myself on honesty, it was a real slap to realize what a big fat liar I had been to myself. All’s well that ends well though and I am committed to living fully from here on out…in all areas. No more giving up.